tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15857250278766701502024-03-05T20:25:36.372-08:00My Adoption Journeya birthmother's storySterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.comBlogger95125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-53966729720698611342014-02-20T12:58:00.001-08:002014-02-20T12:58:42.186-08:00I'm still here!Wow.. it has been a very, very long time since I last posted to this blog. Over a year!<br />
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Well, here is my year in a nutshell -<br />
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Little David turned 3 in February 2013, my little Valerie turned 1 in April. At the beginning of June (and over my birthday!) Brad, Valerie and I took a trip down to Arizona to visit Brad's aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. It was so much fun! I hated the heat, but it was so difficult to leave. I told him that if we ever felt that it was right, I would move down there in a heartbeat. (Although I know that I would miss all of our siblings and parents sooooo much!)<br />
In July we celebrated our 2 year (whattt???) anniversary. It was simple and wonderful.<br />
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Ooooh... I need to go back to June. Just before we left on our trip to Arizona, Amy messaged to ask if I could chat for a bit. They had decided to do IVF, and their first round would be in the middle of June. I was so excited for them! Since placing little David, I had been praying that somehow they would be able to experience pregnancy (with all of its ups and downs and crazy!), but obviously I had no way to make that happen. So those three weeks were soooo long...<br />
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Fast-forward to the end of June... IT WORKED! AMY IS PREGNANT! Her due date is in less than two weeks now - March 4. She is having a little boy. David will be a big brother! Oh, I seriously can't contain my excitement about this... I get giddy every time I think about it!<br /><br />Little David turns 4 today - and it feels a little surreal. He's a little boy, not a toddler! We're hoping to Skype this afternoon, depending on how their schedule is and how Amy is feeling (oooh... those last two weeks of pregnancy are soooo hard...).<br />
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Oops, I forgot to mention my little bit of fun news... We're having another baby, too! I'm due May 19... so I still have a few months to go. It's a boy. We are thrilled.<br />
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I've had some thoughts running through my head the past few days about why I still grieve over placement, but I'm okay with where I am now and how everything has turned out. I'll be posting my full thoughts within the next week. But if any birthmothers are reading this - do you ever feel guilty for not regretting, or for feeling at peace? I'm curious, because I always feel a strange mix of joy and sadness... the sadness because I still remember very strongly how heartbreaking placement was, but joy because my life and Dave and Amy's lives have turned out so beautifully. It's contradictory, it feels, to not have regret. I often hear that I should, or I will later, or that I'm drinking the adoption kool-aid (see birthmothers4adoption in regards to this...) and have been brainwashed.<br />
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But the truth? The Lord knows my heart, and has blessed me beyond what I feel I deserve. I know this, I believe it. The peace I feel is because of Him, and the sadness I feel is because I am human and I NEED to remember it - if I don't, I won't remember to depend on the Lord.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-28228465916740187232013-01-22T09:49:00.000-08:002013-01-22T09:49:07.163-08:00Letting go... again.Every now and then, I get blindsided by something that gets me so emotional that I just HAVE to write about it. But then I realize that if I write about it, then I run the risk of the person/people I am hurting over reading it. So I chicken out. I suppose that is what a journal is for.<br />
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But, I am opening up now. Almost three years ago, my step-dad died. I miss him terribly. If you have read more than a few posts, you will know he made a huge impact on my life and I have been changed for the better because he was in my life. I long for the day I see him again. For a while after his death, I handled it pretty well because I still had his family ("my" family) to lean on and when I was with them I felt connected to him again. Since then, life has happened, misunderstandings, families have fallen apart, and somehow in the midst of it I lost most of them. I miss my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... and especially my sister (step-sister, I guess). I check up on them now and again through Facebook, just to make sure they are doing well and happy. For some reason today I am feeling especially sentimental and just wish I could make everyone make peace with everyone else. <br /><br />Unfortunately, I know that won't happen. My picture has been taken down (literally), my side of the family all but forgotten or written off. Loyalties have been tried and, sadly, blood won out. It is devastating but it is what it is. I have done all I can do, and lately I feel that gap getting wider.<br />
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Argh! It is so frustrating! Wanting to just love and care about people, but they won't let me! It is so out of my control, and I can't stand it. I have prayed, visited (or at least tried to visit), given space, expressed how much I care, but I feel like I am hitting a brick wall. <br />
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If I have learned anything in the last 4+ years, it is that family is the MOST important thing. I just don't know what to do when the family you long to be near, the family you want to feel connected to won't let you. What do I do? Someone help me... What do I do?<br />
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Do I let go? Do I keep trying? Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-27974127831985585162012-12-18T12:53:00.001-08:002012-12-18T12:53:31.065-08:00Stay classy!So I heard new song on the radio this morning (well, new to me. Who knows how long it's been out?) and couldn't help but giggle when I heard the chorus. It's from Miranda Lambert's song "Mama's Broken Heart". Here's the chorus -<br />
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~Go and fix your make up girl, it’s just a break up<br />
Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady<br />
Cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together<br />
Even when you fall apart<br />
But this ain’t my mama’s broken heart~<br />
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Man alive... You know how you see some people and think, "Pull yourself together, woman!" and others you think, "How do you always look so put together?!"... well, I'm more of the "Pull yourself together!" types. I can rock a mean ponytail without makeup, especially when I am an emotional wreck. So here's my call, LET ME BE A MESS SOMETIMES! Okie?! <br />
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... So as I'm thinking about the lyrics, I started thinking about how amazing my mother has always been. She's the queen of "suck it up" when she needs to be (that time I slaughtered my solo at the state band competition), but when I have truly been hurting inside, she has been there for me. There are few times in my life that I remember her just holding me while I cried (at least, not since I was a small child), but I know that she will always be there if I need her.<br />
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During breakups... okay, I would definitely go a little crazy and act like a complete child, and those were the "suck it up" times.<br />
Three-and-a-half years ago, when I found out I was pregnant out of wedlock, I was in the middle of a mental/emotional crisis. I was already acting crazy, and my mom was already at a loss of what to do. After dragging my butt to counseling, and when I started realizing I really did need help, I remember crying on the couch and my mom just holding me. It was exactly what my breaking heart needed. I was pregnant, single (for all intents and purposes), and just needed my mom to love me. And she did.<br />
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Soon after that, she encouraged me to keep my head held high, and stay classy.<br />
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I still think about that... "stay classy".<br />
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I can rock a mean ponytail and have absolutely no makeup on, yet still be classy. Being classy is more than shiny earrings and a cashmere sweater. It is being kind to those around you, being confident, and being compassionate to others. That's true class. <br />
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(Although, I probably shouldn't wear pajamas to Wal*Mart)<br />
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So here's my point - Fall apart, cry, eat an entire tub of ice cream, but do not lose your class. Walk tall, you are all daughters (and sons) of a loving and eternal Heavenly Father. It is okay to feel grief, to feel loss, to feel pain... but don't let it ruin the beautiful person inside you. Stay classy, ladies. Even when you fall apart.<br />
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PS - This cutie is the reason I haven't been blogging as much lately <br />
<br />Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-22572269376228251562012-10-17T10:15:00.000-07:002012-10-17T10:15:48.656-07:00Why I am Mormon (or, the post where I ask you to please pick a different reason to hate Mitt Romney)<br />
With the upcoming debates, my sweet hubby and I have decided to stay out of the political debates on Facebook. That is, not get involved. I do love to scroll through my newsfeed, find posts slamming one candidate or the other, and read through the heated comments. It takes me back to my college days, listening to all of the poli-sci majors that I worked with (Katie, Jon, :-)). Brad and I are outwardly neutral, and have not stated who we are voting for (except to family) or which issues mean the most to us. It is not worth losing friends over. I guess you could call me a closet politics junkie. ;-)<br />
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Here's the deal, though. I don't get upset when I see slams on "bad foreign policy" or "inaccurate claims about coal and oil industries". (Those are two different candidates who receive those slams, by the way). Whatever. What hurts the most is when I see a post that says 'I hate Romney, he's a mormon' 'Mormons are evil' or even better (one I read today from someone I consider a good friend, I will just say the last part) 'are we really ready for a Mormon to run this country?' (Uhm... Kennedy was Catholic. GASP!)... I feel like screaming "What does Mormon matter?? I'm a Mormon! You like me! At least I thought you did..." <br />
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Could it be that what makes me who I am, if my friends understood it's because I am a Mormon, would make them hate me instead? Terrifying.<br />
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Here is my plea. I don't care who you vote for, (well, I guess I do, but that isn't the point), but PLEASE, for my sake and for the sake of any friendships you wish to continue with us crazy Mormons, find another reason to hate Mitt Romney. When you hate him because he is a Mormon, it implies that you hate ALL of us who are Mormon. (And if that's the case, you can forget about getting any homemade green Jell-o carrot cookies for Christmas! Ha...) <br />
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Well, for anyone who has read thus far, here goes. I am about to tell you why I am a Mormon. Understand that yes, I was raised in the LDS faith (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the real name of the Mormon church). I left the church for a while toward the end of high school and through college. These are the reasons that I am now a fully active "Mormon".<br />
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My church teaches, above all else, to live a clean and honest life. The ten commandments apply here. We also are encouraged to live by a code of healthy living and conduct called the "Word of Wisdom"... the most significant parts encourage abstinence from dangerous substances, including tobacco (yes, dangerous. It can cause cancer, it has been proven to be extremely unhealthy, don't argue with me on this, ok? I don't care if you smoke. That is your choice, I still love you, but I don't smoke), alcohol, strong drinks such as coffee (which is where most people have a problem. Again, drink your coffee. I love the smell. We can still be chums), and recreational drugs. The other side of the Word of Wisdom encourages healthy living choices. This includes a diet of lots of veggies, grains, fruits, etc., and encourages exercise. Take a step back and look at that again... does that really seem bad? Nowhere in there does it say to not drink caffeinated sodas. That is a personal choice that many members make for themselves, and has somehow become understood as "gospel doctrine". It is not. We do not believe you are damned for drinking Diet Coke. Heaven knows I love a cold Diet Coke when I'm not breastfeeding. :-) Now to the "honest" part. Don't lie, cheat, steal, abuse, covet, or otherwise hurt others. Plain and simple. Are you really going to hate on Mormons for that?<br />
*side note* I know there are some in my faith who "hate" on people who are not Mormon. Please understand those are PEOPLE, not the LDS Church as a whole. The LDS Church has, over and over, encouraged acceptance and love of everyone, regardless of faith. My mom once told me, "The Church is true, the people aren't always." This is true anywhere. I know very, very wonderful people who are Catholic, Muslim, Baptist, and Atheist. I also know some big jerks. We all do. I am guilty of being a big jerk sometimes. That's not in the name of the LDS Church, though... that's all me. :-)<br />
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The LDS church teaches that our souls existed before this Earth life as spirit with a loving Heavenly Father (God). It also teaches that our souls will continue to exist after our mortal bodies die. Before this life, during this life, and after this life we have purpose and a divine destiny. Marriage and family relationships will not end at death. They will continue eternally, through our personal faithfulness and sacred covenants made in this life. That means that my wonderful husband, the man I love more than anyone else, will be with me forever as long as we are faithful to each other (shocker, right?) and God. It will not end at death! My daughter, and my future children, will be connected to us for eternity. What a beautiful thing to know! It is this knowledge (or faith, if you will) that helped me cope with the death of my step-dad, an incredible man who helped me turn my life around when I hit rock bottom. I know I will see him again. That relationship did not end with his death.<br />
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My church encourages humanitarian service and helping the world. "Love thy neighbor" is very literal. <br />
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Members of the LDS church are NOT secretive, contrary to what many believe. We send out missionaries to tell people all about it! We want so badly for EVERYONE to know that we have a loving Heavenly Father, who sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins so that we can live with Him again. Our lives have purpose! We know where we came from, what we are here to do (prove our faith in Heavenly Father and live virtuous lives), and where we are going. There are no mysteries! In response to our Temples (sacred places) being secretive, they are not. Worthy members of the LDS church are encouraged to attend the Temple and learn the things taught therein. We believe that Temples are sacred, and God's spirit dwells inside. Not just anyone can go inside the temple... But we sure do want everyone to be able to! I would LOVE if my friends who are not members or who are inactive could make the changes necessary to come inside with me. I have never felt closer to my Heavenly Father than in the temple. He knows me personally. I am a unique, loved daughter of an eternal God.<br />
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The LDS Church encourages following the laws of the land and supporting our elected leaders. Sure, Mormons complain with the best of them about politics, laws, etc. Who doesn't? But being Mormon doesn't make us superior to the law or governing bodies. On that subject, the LDS Church never has and never will side with one political party. It is true that most members of the LDS church identify with the republican party, but many also identify themselves with the democratic party. I even know quite a few who consider themselves independent. The LDS Church will, on occasion, make a statement regarding some political issue if it is in direct conflict with church teachings. For example (this is a biggie), abortion. Abortion, except in extreme cases of rape, incest, or threat to the mother's life, is against church policy. In circumstances listed before, it is then a personal choice and is to be considered very prayerfully by the individual. (Being against abortion counts as a reason I am Mormon... but I could just as easily be Catholic, Baptist, or any other pro-life denomination).<br />
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We have a living Prophet, Seer, and Revelator. Thomas S. Monson is the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As members, we revere him as a prophet. He receives direct inspiration from God, and has been called by Him to lead and guide our church on the Earth today. "We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive
Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists,
and so forth." (Articles of Faith #6). This is the same organization that existed before Christ came to the earth, and that Christ established while on the Earth. (Any faith that believes the Bible to be holy scripture will not deny that). If then, why not now? God does not change. Nor do His laws or organization. <br />
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Love. Love is the biggest reason I am a Mormon. When I found myself at rock bottom a few years ago, very alone, single, pregnant... I had lost all hope for my life. I was terrified of telling my family. I didn't want to ask for help. I thought I would be kicked out of my house (I had only just moved back three weeks earlier from college), shunned, and a huge disappointment to my big, Mormon family. Instead, I felt love. My mom and step-dad wrapped their arms around me and told me I would be ok. They would help me. They would support me in whatever decision I made concerning the baby. My local church leaders, instead of looking down on me as a sinner, loved me and encouraged me to hold my head up, ignore those who would judge me, and helped me through the process of fixing myself mentally and emotionally. My parents invited me to attend church with them through my pregnancy... Oh how embarrassing, with all these good, upstanding, never-do-bad Mormons?!?! I was shocked... instead of receiving the "hateful, judging stares" I had always heard people talk about (and slammed on myself), I was greeted warmly and accepted. Nobody made me feel dirty. Nobody made me feel like an outsider. If I had treated them badly, then things would have been different. But instead, I opened my heart to others and soon learned I was not the only one who had made mistakes, felt alone, had poor judgement, or ached. I connected with women who had been in the same situation as me, or had been on the opposite end - could not conceive and had felt alone and felt judged harshly for NOT having children. I was reminded that the love of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ would not, could not end. No matter how badly I had messed up my life, how many people I had hurt in the process, they still loved me. They still wanted me to come back to them and give my heart to them. There is no greater feeling than when you are scared as a child, and your father (or any parent) wraps their arms around you and tells you it will be ok, you are safe, you are loved. That is the feeling I have when I pray to my Heavenly Father. That is why I am a Mormon. <br />
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For more information, or for clarification on anything I have said, visit <a href="http://www.lds.org/">www.lds.org</a> and search for it. Also, you can link <a href="http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,106-1-2-1,FF.html">HERE</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1585725027876670150"> </a>to read our Articles of Faith, or the very basic beliefs of the LDS Church. And <a href="https://www.lds.org/topics/restoration-of-the-gospel?lang=eng">HERE</a> to learn about how the LDS Church is not a breakoff of another church, but is a restored church. <br />
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Oh, and if you comment and tear me apart or hate on my faith... I probably won't delete it. But understand that I am not ridiculing anyone's beliefs. Only stating mine. (But uh, please share some love, those who support me!)<br />
<br />Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-38317452316408409032012-08-05T20:52:00.000-07:002012-08-05T20:52:06.277-07:00The ~Real~ HappySo over the past two years, I have met many expectant single mothers. Some have placed, some have parented. Each have made a decision that has been tough. Each has had to really evaluate themselves... and I'm proud of <strike>almost</strike> every single one of them. They are great girls who became women.<br />
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Today I learned about the daughter of a dear friend who is expecting. My heart broke a little, thinking back on who I was when I was in that position. (Of being unwed and pregnant).<br />
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I was pretty selfish. Emotional. I didn't care much about my family, or expectations. I didn't have much of a belief in God, let alone a testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Why did I think back to who I was? Because I have made some very, very wrong calls on what I *thought* an expectant mother would decide for her child.<br />
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I am guilty of assuming that because a girl does not live the law of chastity, and doesn't initially seem to understand the importance of a family, they will not make the decision to place. I have been proven wrong on many occasions. Then, when I know a girl is absolutely not going to parent, she does.<br />
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It's not fair that I make these assumptions... because I'm almost positive that until I was well into my pregnancy, nobody expected me to place. But then... my heart changed. I don't know when, or how, or exactly why. But I know that it did. I know that between June 2010 and December 2010, my world changed completely from "me" to "baby". My heart began to burn with the knowledge of an eternal truth - families are forever. My baby deserved an eternal family... not a "maybe" family. <br />
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As a new mom, with my own sweet baby, I still can hardly believe that I was able to place. It was so hard. But because of what I have NOW, it was all worth it - the unexpected pregnancy, the horrible and dramatic breakup (which ultimately ended up in happiness for both parties, separately), and the decision to live at home at age 20. It was because of all of that that I ended up meeting Bradley, falling into a love I never dreamed possible, and starting my little family. If not for my adoption experience, I would not have had so many opportunities open to me. I would not know so many wonderful people across the world.<br />
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Before I got pregnant, I was living a "happy" life. I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. I thought life couldn't get any better. <br />
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But this... this is REAL happy. I have a firm faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I have been forgiven for the things of my past that hurt others. I know that I am a precious daughter of a Heavenly King. I am destined for incredible things.<br />
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My real happy is this - knowing that I helped create an eternal family, and through that experience, I desired my own. And now, every morning, I wake up to my wonderful husband next to me. I gaze at my daughter's beautiful face... and I am home. I am whole. <br />
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<br />Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-22415724097414873742012-05-02T08:56:00.001-07:002012-05-02T08:56:30.506-07:00Sweet Baby ValerieLadies, (maybe a few gentlemen?) she is here! Our little Valerie Bo arrived on April 13, 2012 at 3:05 am. Hop on over to our <a href="http://bradsterlloyd.blogspot.com/">~Family Blog~</a> to read about her birth story (unmedicated!) and see hospital pictures. I'll blog soon about how different it has been from my last experience. <br />
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Motherhood so far has been amazing. It has been very difficult and scary, but I love this. <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5-yQVEL2Ab6kBMfhj8tU3S1v-AuCDJBAYvArRsJoFbylS7tvoEwORROKdVKNsov3fiKWJNH_seKY1KMWf80MlcZfzcapqJsp_4UY_RKb47as4ArEFIHGJIEo4T0t7fg7GmCTVSK3Rw6iI/s1600/3-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5-yQVEL2Ab6kBMfhj8tU3S1v-AuCDJBAYvArRsJoFbylS7tvoEwORROKdVKNsov3fiKWJNH_seKY1KMWf80MlcZfzcapqJsp_4UY_RKb47as4ArEFIHGJIEo4T0t7fg7GmCTVSK3Rw6iI/s320/3-1.jpg" width="205" /></a></div>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-67339259656992552642012-05-01T13:10:00.003-07:002012-05-01T13:10:48.059-07:00Giveaway over at The Blessings of Adoption!A sweet friend, Angie, was asked to review an LDS-themed children's book about adoption! She is sponsoring a giveaway on <a href="http://theblessingsofadoption.com/">*her blog*,</a> so check it out! (Also, I encourage you to check out her other posts!)<br />
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I am always searching for positive and/or LDS adoption books. If you know of any, please comment! <br />Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-14334894906942780362012-04-11T10:13:00.000-07:002012-04-11T10:13:33.844-07:00In case anyone is wondering...Yes, I am terrified to become a mother. Do I regret that we decided to start our family so soon? Not one bit.<br />
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Brad and I were snuggled up watching TV last night, discussing if I should pick up a shift on Saturday or not. He said not to, because it is the day before baby will *hopefully* be here, and he wanted to spend the day together. It suddenly hit me... we are down to the last few days of *us*. If baby girl comes on Sunday, we will never have another Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday of our little twosome. While the thought brings tears to my eyes and makes me wish for just a little more time, I'm also so grateful. We prayed for this, and we both know it is an absolute blessing.<br />
<br />
I know I will miss my alone time. I know that I will miss just having BradSter time. Somehow, though, I feel that it is going to be worth it.<br />
<br />
So in the next few days, we have decided we are going to try to do some last-minute things together we wanted to do, but won't be able to (at least, for a while) once baby is here. <br />
<br />
I'm not so nervous about the hospital as I am about bringing little girl home afterward... I know I can make it through labor and delivery. I don't know squat about being a mom!<br />
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Maybe the hospital will be more difficult than I'm anticipating. Will I relive memories? Will I suddenly be preparing myself to grieve, because it's all I know how to prepare for? We chose a different hospital, a different doctor, and a different birth plan than what I experienced with little David. I do not have a parent who is struggling to stay alive. I feel free and I know I have so many people who love us and care about us. I have a husband who will be the only person in the room, holding my hand, and who will be the first to hold our little girl when she arrives. The experience will be completely different... but I can't help but wonder, still, if my emotions and the bittersweet memories I have will come back full force. I pray that they won't, but I am preparing myself anyway. This little girl will be mine, all mine. <br />
<br />
I am so grateful for Brad. I'm grateful that we will have our weekends and evenings together as a family. I'm grateful for this little girl who is about to come into our lives. Regardless of how long or short a time it takes for a child to come into the world, and by whatever means that child makes it into a family, it is always a miracle.<br />
<br />
Little David was a miracle on many sides. I'm soon going to experience my own miracle... without the heartache. Oh little girl, mom and dad cannot wait to hold you in our arms!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUYhh1Zjd-3vp8rK7LdXDkzsgHgMSk50WmEuXPgNUGKiZC6KA9-DwnhOc3YN26Suqu_qX_sYTk_wELeInUkZXv6W_44lkn3Or00mCau3OIatXRnYYcYfM2LZCJwxPhyphenhyphenNIHuznXqDp3_UOu/s1600/430508_202432129858683_100002756932336_265430_67953500_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUYhh1Zjd-3vp8rK7LdXDkzsgHgMSk50WmEuXPgNUGKiZC6KA9-DwnhOc3YN26Suqu_qX_sYTk_wELeInUkZXv6W_44lkn3Or00mCau3OIatXRnYYcYfM2LZCJwxPhyphenhyphenNIHuznXqDp3_UOu/s400/430508_202432129858683_100002756932336_265430_67953500_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>(PS... My wedding ring is on the wrong hand in this picture, we took pictures of it on my tummy and when I put it back on, I put it on the wrong hand. Oops!!!)Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-88898310300626990562012-02-07T13:42:00.000-08:002012-02-07T13:42:35.782-08:00PerspectiveThis will be a short post, but I've really been thinking the past week about February 2010, the month I placed little David into Dave and Amy's arms. February 2010 also marks the 2 year anniversary since my beloved step-dad, Lynn Kraaima, became sick and slipped into a coma. It was only 11 days before I was due with little David, and I can still remember being in the ICU at McKay-Dee Hospital with him. I asked my mom if I could have a few minutes alone with him.<br />
<br />
Lynn was unconscious by this point, and we wouldn't ever see him awake again. I started crying when my mom left the room and begged Lynn to wake up. I kept telling him that I couldn't do it [placement] alone, that I needed him, and I didn't know how I'd survive if he wasn't there to help carry me through. I held his hand and waited for a sign... any sign... that he would be there for me.<br />
<br />
Lynn never woke up. Little David was born, and placement went flawlessly.<br />
<br />
Knowing now that Lynn was never meant to wake up, and looking back and how perfect placement was, I truly believe he WAS with me. Just before placing little David into Amy's arms, I took him into another room to feed him one last time. While in there, he got wide eyes and just stared past me into the corner of the room. That sweet little boy was so at peace in that moment, and I couldn't help but wonder who he was looking at. There was nobody else there.<br />
<br />
Whether or not little David saw Lynn, I know that I did have his help at placement. More than anything, I had my Heavenly Father's help.<br />
<br />
When Lynn passed away three months later, I gained a whole new perspective on placement and adoption. I quickly went from "woe is me", in regards to placing and missing little David, to "I'm so grateful he is alive!". Immediately after placement, I thought nothing could be worse than not holding "my baby". The empty arms feeling was devastating. After Lynn passed away, I realized it could be much, much worse. Little David could be gone forever. He could have died at birth, or been stillborn, or any number of things. But here I was, getting pictures and emails about a perfect, beautiful little boy who was happy and so full of life! I may not be there to hold him, but I know that I will see him again in this earth life. I know Lynn is in a happier place as well, but it will be some time (I hope?!) before I will see him again.<br />
<br />
I still tell people I wouldn't wish the pain of placing a child for adoption on my worst enemy. I also can say that losing a parent, for me, has been more painful. I still have time to tell little David I love him (I do quite often in letters), but I so wish I had had more time to thank Lynn for everything he did for me, and tell him how much I love him.<br />
<br />
I miss you, Lynn. I love you. Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-41037936872559518882011-12-30T11:34:00.000-08:002011-12-30T11:34:18.048-08:00Three days.I've been struggling internally with myself. Three days ago, I found out Ben got engaged. At first, I was angry. Upset, making stupid little remarks in my mind like "yeah, like he's not going to screw THAT one up..."... and then as my blood is boiling over everything, a little thought came to mind.<br />
<br />
<i>What gives me the right to make such a judgement? What gives me the right to think I'm so much better?</i><br />
<br />
Didn't we ultimately make the EXACT same mistake? But here I am, still seeking forgiveness of my trespasses with those around me, although I know I took the (<i>incredibly difficult and heartbreaking) </i>steps to be married in the temple to an amazing man. Yet I'm unable to forgive Ben and allow him the same happiness.<br />
<br />
<i>Why wouldn't I wish this kind of happiness on someone else?</i><br />
<br />
I can't be truly happy and let go <u>until I forgive</u>. I thought for a time I had, but I realize now that it was just jealousy. It was my mind saying, "Why can things work out so seemingly perfect with someone else, but they didn't with me?"... well, dumb question. One, it wasn't right. Two, we weren't living our lives to be worthy of an eternal happiness. But now we have our separate lives, and somehow (<i>miraculously!) </i>we have both straightened ourselves out - but we had to be separate. It wasn't his fault or my fault. It just had to happen. And now we are both being blessed for it. <br />
<i> </i><br />
<i> </i>The night before last, I had a really hard time sleeping. My mind was racing. I was bouncing between thoughts of, "What if they become Dave and Amy's favorites?" (A senseless thought, I know... but don't judge a sleep-deprived pregnant woman!) "I don't know how to be mother, I only know how to get to the point of delivering a baby!" "Why did I have to mess up what could have been a potential friendship so badly?" and "I am so scared to be a mother!"... Truly, my mind was out of control. After an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I rolled over and told my sweet, dear Bradley what was on my mind. How scared I was. How angry I was. How somehow the fear I felt at becoming a mother connected to me still being angry at Ben for things that happened way before and way after placement. (Placement was truly perfect... blogpost on the left explains that). How I was trying so hard to forgive, but all I could do was be upset about things that happened over a year ago. Bradley held me for a while, kissed my forehead, and offered to give me a blessing. <br />
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He blessed me that I would be able to forgive. He blessed me that I would be able to find peace in becoming a mother. He blessed me that as we became a family, I would feel peace and be able to LET GO of the pain I had felt.<br />
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I fell asleep soon after the blessing. I spent the day yesterday in a silent prayer, trying to determine where my unsettled feeling stemmed from. What I finally realized is that I'm unsettled because though I am trying very hard to forgive, and as of this moment I am truly HAPPY for Ben and his cute fiance (I'll totally admit I blogstalk her... she's a fantastic writer), I haven't sought forgiveness myself. Knowing that I caused pain and sadness in someone else's life, for whatever reason, has really left me wide open.<br />
<br />
In another world, had I known then what I know now, I think I would have handled the friendship/relationship between myself and Ben differently after placement. I used him as a crutch, without once thinking he was feeling the same pain. I silently blamed him for the mistakes prior to little David's arrival in this world. My mind had already determined that nobody could ever hurt as much as I did. It was no wonder things didn't work out! He needed someone separate and free of everything that had happened just as I did. Someone who didn't blame him. And someone who didn't resent him for the pain associated with everything we had been through - pain that I was just as much to blame for!<br />
<br />
When I met Bradley and fell in love, it was so different from the feeling I had ever had in my relationship with Ben that I didn't look back. I was so blessed that Bradley found me. That he swept me off my feet. That he loved me because of who I was, and who I was trying to become. He has been my rock. He has been my stronghold when I'm scared or losing control. Bradley was what I needed, and absolutely what I wanted. He his handsome and kind and knows exactly what I need. He is so easy to fall in love with over and over, and he helped me make it to the temple. He wouldn't give up that goal himself, and he did everything in his power to help me make it there, too, so we can be together forever. I was able to because with Bradley, it was right.<br />
<br />
My acting angry and vindictive disallows (in my mind) Ben from finding that same happiness. I would be selfish to not want these same blessings for him. Though I highly doubt a friendship will ever reform between us, I do hope he and his fiance know that I am happy for them. I hope they get to experience the blessings I've been able to experience with Bradley.<br />
<br />
How lucky am I that little David will have not only his parents, but also BOTH birth parents set a great example for him? It doesn't happen often... if ever. Most people I talk to, one birth parent has gotten their life back on track and the other has gone off the deep end. I truly believe that part of the blessings we each have received from placement has and will be the opportunity to be sealed to our spouses in the House of the Lord for eternity. <br />
<br />
My last thought for the day (maybe for a while, as it has been quite a process figuring it all out), is that I am indeed GRATEFUL to Ben's fiance (if she ever reads this, I hope she smiles at the word fiance... it's such a fun word when it's official!) for the example that she has (unknowingly) set for me. All I've heard about her (from mutual friends) and read from her are kind things. Even when I wasn't so nice to her. We spoke once on the phone when I was going through some angry changes, and instead of being cruel and hateful, she stood her ground but she was KIND. It's that kind of woman I'll be proud for little David to know. (Of course I'll still be a little jealous... in an I-want-to-be-the-favorite-aunt kind of way!)<br />
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Maybe someday I'll work up the nerve to ask her to guest blog for me. Until then, I'm wishing them the best. They deserve it. If I deserved it, then they do, too. <br />
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The Lord works in mysterious ways. This is part of my healing. Not being angry anymore has helped me feel more at peace about being a mother. I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful.<br />
<br />
Congrats, you guys. Being sealed in the temple is incredible. So, so incredible. <br />
<br />
Oh, and here's a cool article that I love that talks about adoption and the sealing ordinance. From a birthparent perspective, it makes my heart SO happy. Especially the last line. <span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><a href="http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/2011/11/can-temple-ordinances-bring-adoptees.html" rel="nofollow nofollow" target="_blank"><span><br />
http://</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>com/2011/11/</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span><span>can-temple-ordinances-bring-ado</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break"></span>ptees.html</a></span><br />
<br />
<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}">For those wondering what the heck I'm talking about with sealing and temples and all of the LDS mumbo-jumbo, please visit <a href="http://www.lds.org/">http://www.lds.org</a> to learn more. You won't regret it. :-) </span>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-89092454443846397932011-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:002011-12-05T21:13:59.857-08:00Basically, my husband rocks.So a couple of days ago I was bent on a certain blog post I wanted to publish. It was written because I was angry and annoyed. I was almost done, when my computer died. Oops, forgot to plug it in. So I plugged it in, waited for it to restart, and when my page came back up - the post was gone. My husband says to me, "Hon, maybe it's a sign you weren't supposed to post that." ... I immediately got defensive, checked my "Edit Posts" page, and the entire post was there. But then we spent a half an hour talking about fire breeding more fire, and if I really want to call someone out for a wrongdoing, I should confront them directly and not in a blog post. Even though I assured him it wasn't directed at just the person I was upset with, and it had been a long time coming, he talked me out of posting it then. Now, in retrospect, I am grateful. I'm grateful I married a man who has enough sense to see the possible ugly outcome of what I would have considered innocent. I try to not be mean-spirited, but when I get on my high-horse... oh man. Had I posted what I wanted to, it would have caused a hailstorm of anger and backlash. I'm so glad he has more sense than I do. <br />
<br />
I'm so blessed to have my amazing Bradley in my life. Now, I'm off to blog on our family blog about our baby girl! Oh, did I tell you we're having a girl!?Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-44941174785924313552011-11-10T15:07:00.000-08:002011-11-10T15:07:29.341-08:00Australia - Holly is amazing.I've blogged about Holly before, but I just want to talk about how much I love her again. We met about four years ago at USU, in the Aggie Marching Band. At the time, we had no idea we would ever meet up again in the adoption world. When I was expecting little David and planning to place, Holly and I started talking. She and Nate were seeking to adopt at the time, and I got a lot of crap from people because I didn't choose to place with them.<br />
After placement, Holly became one of my biggest supporters. She helped buoy me up and gave me encouragement as I trudged through the first year after placement. I tried as much as I could to support her and Nate as they went through multiple failed placements. It was heartbreaking to watch. <br />
Then, last May, they had their sweet little Miles placed into their arms. Oh that boy is so handsome! I got to spend a little time with them this past adoption conference, for which I am very grateful because they are being stationed in Italy. I know, rough life, right?<br />
Anyway, Holly posted <a href="http://sunnysideupsidedown.blogspot.com/2011/11/australia.html">*THIS*</a> today and I remember reading it months ago. It still makes my heart ache. But it is so beautifully written. It is worth reading and remembering. Even if you are going to Australia by plane, don't forget the others who are going by boat. Don't take it for granted.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-15119392794234213372011-11-04T10:30:00.000-07:002011-11-04T10:30:20.559-07:00Pregnant After PlacementWhile I know I'm not up to the challenge this year of writing every day, I still want to make an effort to post MUCH more than I have recently. This month is National Adoption Awareness Month. I get so excited for this month every year because I go to my blogroll and almost ALWAYS have new blog posts to read!!! I'll have guest posts from Starlee, a dear friend of mine who had a huge impact on my decision to place, some close friends from group, and (YAY!) my mom... sharing her "birth-grandmother" story. I'm very excited about all of them, but this will be the first time my mom shares HER story. Hers is quite different from most birth-grandmother stories, so it will be great.<br />
<br />
I decided to start off, I wanted to contribute a bit of my current personal situation.<br />
<br />
Almost two years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and placed him into the arms of his eternal family. My life has changed so much since that time that I can hardly believe any of it was real anymore. I can still feel every emotion from that day, but sometimes it feels more like a dream than anything else.<br />
<br />
As of today, I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I've been married for 17 weeks. Not quite a honeymoon baby, but pretty close! Bradley and I decided that even though we were both scared to death to have children so soon, we were both getting a strong "yes" each time we prayed about it. Little did we know that our little one was coming a LOT sooner than we anticipated!<br />
<br />
The past three months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I sort of had the idea that being married and pregnant would be a fairy-tale and all the other hurt would go away. Of course, I was wrong. First, I felt a LOT of guilt. Not because I was pregnant, but because I know SO many people who would give anything to be pregnant. My heart was breaking for them, and what they would think of me. When you're pregnant and placing for adoption, you're seen as a God-send. When you're just pregnant because, well, you're pregnant... Feelings get hurt. I was afraid to tell people, especially my close circle of adoption-world friends.<br />
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I also started having very vivid dreams, mostly of little David. I would wake up feeling like I had to let go of that part of my life to truly enjoy this part. I was torn, and I didn't know how to be loyal to both sides.<br />
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I want to be a mother so badly... it's something I crave every day. I'm in awe of the life inside of me, and when Bradley and I first heard our baby's heartbeat, it was one of the most glorious sounds I have ever heard. But it's awfully reminiscent of another baby... another life. I'm still trying to figure out how to separate everything so that I can find joy in this new little life. I'm nervous about the hospital, and about going home. I pray every day that everything will be different, and that I'll be able to turn my emotions around.<br />
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I'm proud of where I am now. I was able to be married and sealed in the temple to the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm blessed to bring a child into this world, and to have my husband by my side every day. The number one difference I've found with this pregnancy is having a worthy, righteous man by my side CONSTANTLY. There's none of the back-and-forth, horrible mind games. I don't feel used, abandoned, or broken. I am whole. My husband loves me with all of his heart, and I love him right back with all of mine. I'm so grateful that I know the difference, and I pray that every girl who has ever been through a pregnancy alone will be able to know the difference. The Lord is amazing, and I know that the challenges I'm facing right now will only help to make me a stronger person.<br />
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I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring a child into this world. I'm grateful that I will finally have the title of "Mom" (it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!). I'm grateful that my husband is doing everything in his power so that I can be a stay-at-home mom and raise our children in a Christ-centered home. I am so blessed, and I still pray every day for others' pain to be lessened.<br />
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For those who read this and may feel pain or anger, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I want to find joy in my blessings, so please share that joy with me. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQdczeHeS4Z9W3XNIX4RpPX8BMhlssnSp4PQhD09E7Fn5fDFeqq5wZCbOHgk5DE5U0fTocbu0svh8rR-qP2x0_g2ap82xI9yiQHMyzOCjYORXm2vR29WWpHO9nJHUn9fbHQutEkHU_L3bJ/s1600/BabyLloyd-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQdczeHeS4Z9W3XNIX4RpPX8BMhlssnSp4PQhD09E7Fn5fDFeqq5wZCbOHgk5DE5U0fTocbu0svh8rR-qP2x0_g2ap82xI9yiQHMyzOCjYORXm2vR29WWpHO9nJHUn9fbHQutEkHU_L3bJ/s400/BabyLloyd-1.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-47508141939141339762011-07-27T18:47:00.000-07:002011-07-27T18:49:37.989-07:00Dear Birthmother (Tender Mercies)When I was pregnant and had finalized my decision to place for adoption, I was shocked at how many letters I received sharing their stories and their support. Most of these were from people I knew, but I had never known that adoption had touched their lives. I remember very well two letters I received, one from a friend of Dave and Amy's who lives in Florida. She gave the letter to them before I announced I would be placing with them, and told them to give it to their birthmother when they were chosen. I received the letter from Dave and Amy about a month before I delivered. I kept it by my bedside for the entire month, then in my journal for months after placement. That letter was from a dear, wonderful woman who placed her daughter 15 years ago. She expressed her love for me (someone she had never even met!) and told me of the love she felt from our Heavenly Father every day. She assured me that I would be blessed and grateful, and that Dave and Amy were incredible people (I already knew that) who would be amazing parents (already knew that, too!). That letter made me want to help other girls. I figured that if I could give comfort to just one other birthmother, then I would succeed in my mission. I wanted to change the world, even if it was just one person's world. <br />
The other letter I keep close to me still is from little David's maternal grandmother (Amy's mom). I hadn't met her when I received the letter, but Dave and Amy gave it to me the night of placement. I never knew a grandmother could be so grateful and so humbled by a child joining her family. She had other grandchildren, but in her letter she expressed her unconditional love for little David and my part in bringing him to their family. It made me realize the magnitude of my decision. I wasn't just placing a child into Dave and Amy's family, I was placing him into a long line, reaching back hundreds of generations, and it will continue hundreds of generations... all because he was placed into that family. Adoption is an eternal principle, and I am often humbled by that thought.<br />
<br />
So, as I've been thinking about others a lot lately, here is my letter to birthmothers or birthmothers-to-be, <br />
Dear Birthmother,<br />
You don't know me, and maybe you never will. I can tell you that I don't know exactly what you're going through because all our stories are different. But I can tell you a few things about what you are about to experience. <br />
Please, love your baby. Connect with your baby before he or she is born. Bond with them after they are born. Your baby needs to feel that love from you, because a part of them will always remember that love. You don't ever want to regret not connecting with that baby. It is so worth it. The love you will share, for however short a time until placement, will stay with you forever. It will buoy you up when you start to ache. It is real, and it is unending. You will never stop loving your baby. <br />
Placement will hurt. So much. You may be numb right after, and that's okay. But let yourself hurt. Open yourself up and just ache. You need to feel that pain, don't try to hide from it. There will be mornings you wake up and you will honestly think you can't live another moment. Sometimes the grief will make you want to just curl up and disappear. But I promise you, it will ease. Slowly, day by day, it will ease some. Pray often, and pray hard. No matter how you lived your life prior to placement, our Heavenly Father is there for you. He will hold you, and though you won't be able to see Him or feel Him, He will be there. Then, one day, you'll wake up and you won't immediately cry. One day, you'll be able to look at a picture of your baby with his or her new parents and you will smile. You will be able to recognize the love that is there, and you will be able to relate to that love. One day, you will do something normal. And you will remember how much it hurt before, and be grateful that you made it through the pain. <br />
You will run into people who don't understand, and who will not want to understand why you decided to place. That's okay. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. It was your decision, and yours alone. Nobody else can possibly know what was best for your baby or for you.<br />
And then... someone will come into your life. He will fall in love with you, and he will think you hung the moon. He will learn your story, and will love you BECAUSE you made the decision you did. He will recognize that you are a strong, amazing daughter of God. You made a selfless, incredible sacrifice on behalf of <i>someone else</i>, and because of that your spirit will radiate out to those around you. He will recognize that, and he will cherish you. He will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. <br />
Not all of this will happen fast, and not all of this will happen in that order. But I promise you this, birthmomma... You are loved. By me, and by thousands of other women who made this decision. You are in a sisterhood, and there will always be someone there to hold you. There are thousands of couples waiting to be chosen who love you because you give them hope by what you have endured, and by what you about to endure. Most important, there is a family out there that already feels, or will soon feel, unable to express their love and gratitude. The love they feel for you is overwhelming. You may never know how important you are to so many people. I pray for you every day, and I hope you can look back on this experience in the future and say "I did something so hard, and I survived. I am happy." <br />
<br />
All my love, <br />
Sterling Bo<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8eiX9ELD9-Nt7rHnMp0VTGpLeb4vkCwDfUze7lS5myqX5PkNrwfsRNDUUJB4bwFH641Pw5kJwkAYZpYSEnMUclu5ItVQ8AdONH1nnFVf44oEGU2aRzSz_xejVkxo8d73v_OgFzMhI3w3b/s1600/100_2933-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8eiX9ELD9-Nt7rHnMp0VTGpLeb4vkCwDfUze7lS5myqX5PkNrwfsRNDUUJB4bwFH641Pw5kJwkAYZpYSEnMUclu5ItVQ8AdONH1nnFVf44oEGU2aRzSz_xejVkxo8d73v_OgFzMhI3w3b/s320/100_2933-1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-1098078106363224522011-06-21T11:17:00.000-07:002011-06-21T11:17:06.295-07:00Cause or Crusade?That's what I'm determining right now. I'm about to start on a brand new journey in 2 weeks, and I will soon be sharing my life completely with the man I love. He is so supportive of all the adoption advocating I do, and has encouraged my open adoption fully.<br />
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But now I have to decide - Am I part of a cause, or a crusade? I will always be part of the adoption world, I will always advocate, and I will always LOVE and be GRATEFUL for what adoption has given me. It has given me the peace that my little boy is with his eternal family, loved, and adored. It has given me a new chance at life, and has put me in the right place at the right time to meet my eternal companion (to be!).<br />
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I will be taking a formal break from blogging for a little while. I will be weaning myself from my support group over the next couple months, and I will begin to move forward. I don't know how long I will be on this blogging hiatus. Maybe a month, maybe longer. We'll see. But in the meantime, I want to thank everyone so much for their support and love. These past couple of years have been the most incredibly heartbreaking and wonderful years.<br />
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I'm getting married in two weeks. I'm excited, I'm at peace. It brings me to tears to know that this wonderful, wonderful man I will be marrying loves me for everything I am and everything I've overcome, and will continue to overcome. I am so blessed. Thank to those who have supported me in the past, and who will continue to support me.<br />
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(PS- My sister designed this save-the-date! Find her on Etsy - danandwinnie !!)Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-35144614368764220362011-05-13T12:33:00.000-07:002011-05-13T12:33:56.379-07:00NeatSo for those who don't know yet, I'm now a server at the Riverdale Chili's. "The" Chili's that I met Dave and Amy at! (Not the reason I'm working there, but still cool! I love waiting on the table we sat at.)<br />
I had a neat experience a few nights ago that I've been DYING to blog about, but blogger was down, so...<br />
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I was waiting on a table with a lady in her late twenties (I'd guess), her mother ("Grammy!!" was the excited squeal from her grandbabies), and two toddlers. The kids were quite close in age, and I briefly thought, 'Hm, wonder if they're adopted?' then didn't think about it again. After they paid, "Grammy" (what the kids were calling her) came up to me and handed the signed credit card slip directly to me. (Yes, it was a nice tip. :) ) Then out of nowhere, she started telling me that it's sometimes hard for them to go out with two kids so close in age, but that her daughter had never been able to get pregnant so when she was chosen to have both children placed with her within months of each other, she simple couldn't say no. OF course, I started getting teary-eyed and said to her, "Tell your daughter I appreciate her - I'm a birthmom. I placed my little boy just over a year ago." Well, then Grammy starts getting teary-eyed and we started talking and crying and she told me about how wonderful her grandbabies' birthmothers are, and how one just got married in the temple and how wonderful it was... I told her that I was getting married in the temple soon, and it was a big pile of happy tears. So Grammy told me she wasn't sure why but she just felt like sharing that with me and now she knows why. She then walked out, and within minutes her daughter came rushing back in, took my hand, and said "Thank you!" and left.. leaving me with a $10 bill in my hand. :) Warm fuzzies!!!<br />
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Adoption rocks. Just sayin'.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-4611062581407740002011-04-09T00:15:00.000-07:002011-04-09T00:15:24.098-07:00sometimes goodbye comes before helloI'm not sure where to start. The past few days have been like a rush of events, all churning around me, but none of them involving me directly. I want to focus on one event in particular.<br />
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I have some amazing, wonderful, and inspiring friends. They are hoping to adopt. No, it's not Dave and Amy. These friends helped support me through my unplanned pregnancy, and were some of my biggest cheerleaders through placement and post-placement.<br />
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My heart is aching for them right now. They were told a sweet baby girl would be placed with them today, and as soon as they arrived in the baby's birth state, they were told the new mother had changed her mind - she would not be placing. When I got the news, I was devastated. It shocked me, because I know how painful it would have been for the girl to relinquish her parental rights... but I cannot fathom how much pain is involved when you have to say goodbye before you even say hello.<br />
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I am praying for my friends. I am praying for that sweet baby girl. I am also praying for the new young mother. It will not be easy for her, but I'm praying she can be strong as she takes on the world. Although there is anger that my dear friends were hurt, the anger is not at the would-be birthmother. My anger is directed at how unfair infertility is. I don't struggle with infertility that I know of, but it hurts. It hurts to see people aching to be parents, and unable to do so biologically... and even more to see them be so close to having a child, and having it taken from them. It makes me angry that anyone else has to go through any of the emotional torment associated with placing a child for adoption. More than anything, though... there is sorrow. This is part of being human, and like it or not... I can't do anything about it. I can support, I can love, I can educate.<br />
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My dear friends who have gone through what may be the worst day you have ever known... I love you. So deeply. I pray for you, I wish I lived closer to you. I want you to know how much support you have, from those you know and many you do not. I know that our Heavenly Father loves you, and I wish so much there was something, ANYTHING, I could to do take your pain away. But I can't. As much as I want to.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ-T2cqSOpO6XCngiHxdQeB9mjv-Nc7N-f5maXUwWAHHFDmtNXs8kQLDo2y2GVhd_2WoB5hlBqxe1e5MPu7KNGvvvrYnD7M-kxi96DBi04jwe3o0xO0HT_9wkEibT7AKq-z3XTAx1pfoTe/s1600/sad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ-T2cqSOpO6XCngiHxdQeB9mjv-Nc7N-f5maXUwWAHHFDmtNXs8kQLDo2y2GVhd_2WoB5hlBqxe1e5MPu7KNGvvvrYnD7M-kxi96DBi04jwe3o0xO0HT_9wkEibT7AKq-z3XTAx1pfoTe/s1600/sad.jpg" /></a></div>I am a birthmother. I ache. And, unlike many, I also ache daily for the other side of my sorrow.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-57286978925069604412011-04-04T19:49:00.000-07:002011-04-04T19:49:41.812-07:00fight like a bearMy sister told me about an amazing little boy who was recently diagnosed with T-Cell ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). Baxter "Bear" Blaney is 9 years old and fighting like a champ! In the past three weeks, he has undergone some serious rounds of chemo and will continue for quite some time. Please share this information with everyone you can. Click <a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fight-Like-a-Bear/107150952699392?sk=wall#%21/pages/Fight-Like-a-Bear/107150952699392?sk=wall&filter=2">HERE</a> to view his special "Fight Like A Bear" Facebook page. You'll find support items such as adorable glass tiles, bottlecap keychains, and wristbands for purchase. 100% of the purchase price will go to the Blaney family to help support this sweet little boy in his fight against cancer. Even if you don't purchase anything, take a moment to share. We all have the ability to help!<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiWyaeB4sHVtPyd5TjujQ62z7gmP4HXXc1u4IEnOd64C2uV1BVPbqbLRKcZ0gPqEiFFnPEGYykAK6f6S2rnqxFTFuLsZex3aKODEXFkhUsTX_Q8WfSKju7k9R2KSOcdBOiobWzhLNDkjwV/s1600/193743_111050922309395_107150952699392_99024_1660901_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiWyaeB4sHVtPyd5TjujQ62z7gmP4HXXc1u4IEnOd64C2uV1BVPbqbLRKcZ0gPqEiFFnPEGYykAK6f6S2rnqxFTFuLsZex3aKODEXFkhUsTX_Q8WfSKju7k9R2KSOcdBOiobWzhLNDkjwV/s320/193743_111050922309395_107150952699392_99024_1660901_o.jpg" width="227" /></a></div>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-12007044034600531702011-03-29T11:38:00.000-07:002011-03-29T11:40:29.956-07:00a new birthmother??I recently read/watched one of <a href="http://birthmamadrama.blogspot.com/">*Joniece*</a>'s posts about what happens when a new birthmom is added to a family... that is, when the birthmother's "couple" adopts again and has a new birthmom join their little triad. Joniece and Nicole both placed their babies into the same family, and are now very close to each other. I've thought about it a lot recently, especially since Dave and Amy are in the process of adopting again.<br />
From the beginning, I've been excited for little David to have siblings. I grew up with five siblings, and I can't imagine not having a big family! But I've also been fearful of what will happen when a new birthmom is put into the balance of things. Will everything still be perfect? Will I start to feel resentment? I can honestly say that I don't know. I know it will be one of those jealousy things when Dave and Amy have my birthmom sister visit, and be there when they are sealed, etc... But will it honestly be a bad kind of jealousy? I get jealous when my siblings are able to visit each other and I'm not, but it doesn't result in a bad relationship. It's just something I can't do at the time.<br />
Here's the skinny... I know David will have younger siblings. I know Dave and Amy are going to be just as amazing to another birthmom. I also know that our relationship with each other may change through the years, but I know it will always be strong, no matter how many birthmoms are involved! I also know that I will love and adore the new birthmom, simply because of the sacrifice she will make. I remember how it feels, and I remember how deep the pain goes. I will love her and I will do everything in my power to be close to her. I don't know who she is yet, but I love her already. She is giving my little boy siblings!!!<br />
Who knows... maybe I'll have the means, when that time comes, to be able to visit when Dave, Amy and David are sealed to the new little spirit. My hope is that regardless, I will someday be able to wrap my arms around the new birthmom and tell her how much I love her, how much her sacrifice means to ME, and how I know she will LOVE her relationship with Dave and Amy.<br />
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I have a different perspective... I know that. I welcome comments, but understand that I do know other birthmothers do not feel the same way that I do - which is normal. But I'm moving forward, I'll be getting married to my best friend and love in July, and I will still continue my relationship with my little boy's parents. How blessed am I? Pretty darn. David is loved, beautiful, and has a mom and dad who are always there for him... and he will have a wonderful relationship with me and with Bradley. Yes, my sweet Bradley has already become friends with them. And it is perfect. <br />
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Oh... by the way... I'm getting married! see <a href="http://bradsterlloyd.blogspot.com/">*HERE*</a> for details! (feel free to follow!)Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-83409462647851810912011-02-20T23:06:00.000-08:002011-02-20T23:06:01.765-08:00it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's rightFebruary 20, 2010. My phone buzzed under my pillow, and "Blessed" by Elton John began to play. It was 6:15 am, and I woke up feeling numb. I showered, twisting to see my beautiful toenails I'd had my sister paint two nights earlier and thought, "Well, at least my toes will be pretty."<br />
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My bag had been packed for over a week and hauled around in the back of my mother's car on the off-chance I went into labor while at the University of Utah hospital (that's another story...). I pulled my hair into a messy-bun, dressed warm, and got into the car at 6:40. I called Ben, told him to be on his way down (he had an hour drive) and I arrived at the hospital at 7:00.<br />
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To say I don't remember much would be a lie. I remember counting the black tiles in the emergency room check-in (because the main doors weren't open that early). I remember filling out way too much paperwork, not asking enough questions, and silently wishing I hadn't decided to be induced, after all. After almost an hour, I was in a delivery room and the sweet nurse hooked up the contraction monitor, baby heart-rate monitor, and started the pitocin. I settled in and began joking with my mom. By 9 am, Ben had arrived with a large bottle of chocolate milk (which I wasn't allowed to drink) and two bags of Lindt chocolates (which I also wasn't allowed to eat). It was so slow. So agonizingly slow.<br />
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We listened to music, played games, and talked. I would stare at the heart-rate monitor and try to imagine the tiny little heart beating in my womb, just hours from entering this world. I was so afraid to meet him. I was so afraid to love him. But I already knew that I did.<br />
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David and Amy were on the first leg of their flight to Utah, and I anticipated them arriving well after their little one was born. In those first few hours, I decided I wanted them to come to the hospital. Not part of the original plan, but so far NOTHING had gone according to MY plan.<br />
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My wonderful, amazing Bishop came to the hospital and, with the aid of my loving brother, Spencer, gave me a blessing. I was blessed that I would have a smooth delivery and that I would heal well, both physically and emotionally. I was blessed that I would feel my Savior's love for me. I was blessed that I would be strong and remember the changes I had made in my life to get to where I was. After that blessing, I began to feel. I began to accept that I was going to love this little boy, and he deserved nothing less than all the love and care I had to offer him. I couldn't offer him much, but I could offer that sweet little boy all of me. <br />
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A little after noon, even though I was breathing through my contractions, I was talked into the epidural. Within 30 minutes, I began to experience a panic attack as I felt my body go numb. By 1 pm, the epidural had been stopped. For me, the pain was preferable to being numb. Each contraction hit me like a wave of reality, each more intense than the last and reminding me that I was part of something greater than myself.<br />
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As my body began to get ready for delivery, my plan began to fail again. The baby's heartbeat was slow, my heartbeat was slow, I had to wear oxygen, the cord was around his neck, Ben's mom was in the room, Ben saw everything, they had to use the vacuum, I had to have an episiotomy, but...<br />
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At 5:31 pm, David Allen Harmon III entered this mortal existence. It was the most sacred experience of my life. 8 pounds, 2 ounces. 20 1/2 inches long. A bundle of swollen, puffy, sticky perfection. I did not get to hold him immediately as I'd hoped, but Ben's blessed mother took pictures for me. When I did hold him, every fear I had melted away. He was tiny in my arms. I felt like I was in a cloud amidst all the noise and distraction around me. It was just the two of us. <i>I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this little boy.</i> I knew that I was about to do everything I was capable of doing. I cried from exhaustion, sadness, joy, and every emotion in-between.<br />
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Amy and I had decided to breastfeed. I would start in the hospital, and Amy would do a hormone-induced pregnancy to induce lactation. I had such a strong desire to breastfeed, and Amy's desire to had solidified my decision. As I learned to nurse David, my love for him increased. How incredible it was that I was the <i>only</i> person who could do this for him? He was relying on me, solely. I was his protector and provider. I was his mom for a small time, and I would make those moments last. Nursing him was such a beautiful and incredible experience. I will never regret that decision. <br />
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I called David and Amy. <i>Their son was here! He was perfect! Would they come that night? Of course I wanted them to! They would call when they got to Utah.</i> I got off the phone and cried again. <br />
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My dad came to meet little David. Ben's family met him. Then, Ben and I were alone with our son. It was heaven. I held him, rocked him, nursed him, sang to him, and told him stories. I told him everything I wanted for him. I made him promises that I have kept so far. I memorized his face, his hands, his little feet. I memorized the sounds he made while he slept. I memorized his little whimper, and I memorized his huge, beautiful eyes.<br />
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Exhaustion caught up to me, and I asked David and Amy to wait until the next day to come. They gladly agreed. (As I've said, they are amazing). As midnight rolled around, I kissed my sweet little angel on the forehead and breathed in his scent. As my tears fell on his sweet face, I promised I would make him proud of me.<br />
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He is perfect. As with my whole story, that day was perfect in its imperfection. With the existence of this perfect little boy ended my old life, and began a new life. Here was my second chance at life, by giving him the best first chance I could give him.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1l_x5-a61z0ZoZB7VXvjt8pYD9aKJ1lJozb4oaKtuklQPbY-4bwJlOnLyZGyI042kEel0WDuk01pg0zalNKezwKikdJkXahASKIYHLttRXAk30PH6OjXJAxb8AEv2G4jJR0J7yDN77PGg/s1600/oneyear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1l_x5-a61z0ZoZB7VXvjt8pYD9aKJ1lJozb4oaKtuklQPbY-4bwJlOnLyZGyI042kEel0WDuk01pg0zalNKezwKikdJkXahASKIYHLttRXAk30PH6OjXJAxb8AEv2G4jJR0J7yDN77PGg/s320/oneyear.jpg" width="258" /></a></div>Happy Birthday, sweet one!Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-70474321157504278402011-02-19T00:56:00.000-08:002011-02-19T00:56:03.922-08:00i was changed52 weeks ago, I was taking a hot bubble bath in the middle of the night. My mom knocked on the door, and informed me that my OB had called. I was going to be induced (at my request, even after all the effort I had gone through to go into labor naturally) the next morning at 7 am. I yelled okay, acted fine... sank down to my ears in the water, wrapped my arms around my beautiful, rounded belly.... and I sobbed. I tried so hard to stop, but the tears just kept flowing. I knew it was right and necessary, but I was so scared. I wasn't ready. I wanted more time. <br />
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I dried off and examined myself in the mirror. I had always loved the beautiful curve of a pregnant woman's body, but somehow seeing myself in such a sacred role was overwhelming. I had gotten there in a very un-sacred way. Why was I entrusted with this perfect little life? Why was I chosen to make such a huge decision, at the risk of breaking my own soul apart?<br />
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I tried to memorize the shape of my swollen belly, even finding beauty in the stretch marks curving across my skin, and willed myself to remember how each movement felt from the tiny life inside me. I went upstairs, prayed and begged God for a release, and tried to fall asleep.<br />
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I thought of never-ending pain. I imagined a hollow ache. I imagined coming home with empty arms and feeling like a piece of me was missing. As I lay in agony, still begging my Heavenly Father for another way, I saw two faces in my mind. A beautiful couple, so ready to be parents. I could almost feel the joy they were about to experience. I began to anticipate their excitement and gratitude. I realized that although I would be aching, their emptiness would end.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR5TZ18bSnueXXKLw8VNFS8MqXwzuRDS42z-FGL5ypzGyZVCqzBMBnBP4fwvHlwKVcfFx6LhKioadpXeLuWg5PUeOjypSXuxoiNjPZoYCr44fJYLvrGq7WTSXgNHWeQZDy0hMLaCvRCIvY/s1600/_MG_1996.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR5TZ18bSnueXXKLw8VNFS8MqXwzuRDS42z-FGL5ypzGyZVCqzBMBnBP4fwvHlwKVcfFx6LhKioadpXeLuWg5PUeOjypSXuxoiNjPZoYCr44fJYLvrGq7WTSXgNHWeQZDy0hMLaCvRCIvY/s320/_MG_1996.jpg" width="214" /></a></div>I fell asleep clinging to the peace that came with knowing David and Amy would soon be meeting their son. My tears continued to soak my pillow, but a warm peace came over me. Lying alone, with my arms wrapped around my sweet unborn angel, I slept.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-29515943281312248502011-01-25T08:03:00.000-08:002011-01-25T08:04:57.034-08:00God has a sense of humor...I go on a dating hiatus, and this is what happens. :-)<br />
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I got asked to sing in church on Sunday, January 9. Right after me, a recently-returned missionary spoke. I could only see the back of his head and I made a mental note to ask him who did his hair, and try to get him to see me (Hey, he has GREAT hair, but I need clientele!). The next Sunday, he added me as a friend on Facebook. We started chatting, exchanged numbers, and in a whirlwind of events the next three days, I fell head-over-heels. I can't believe what an amazing man he is, and I'm so excited to see where all of this goes.<br />
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Feel free to Stalkbook him... ;-) (if you're my Facebook friend, I'm in a relationship with him)<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5rL3PC16jRfpYLCobZNpER9zrYL0Ti-JzCcbgfDPYpge3gzVNg_-XIRwe-lM52_yQ1QY_uxQhnL_iJPCbdlVPgsss8ND3DTJS8svvsfocJR4msxo0pNBLMqDF5cs7c1xs_COGXz4Hw39g/s1600/IMG_7415.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5rL3PC16jRfpYLCobZNpER9zrYL0Ti-JzCcbgfDPYpge3gzVNg_-XIRwe-lM52_yQ1QY_uxQhnL_iJPCbdlVPgsss8ND3DTJS8svvsfocJR4msxo0pNBLMqDF5cs7c1xs_COGXz4Hw39g/s320/IMG_7415.jpg" width="320" /> </a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Just a note... he cuts his OWN hair (impressive) and I'm still trying to convince him to come to me... :-) Seriously fantastic hair... (am I a cosmo or what??) </div>Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-38508184698904873442011-01-10T09:48:00.000-08:002011-01-10T09:48:58.478-08:00my promise to all of you<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQhd2x7y-5B_VYpi8BokKrp0W3dDm12bPq2mdFN_SoNuP1OKxgxJTROPOo5Xwv406JiIfBdvT4hfJgEFmO5qSeX3dPMhPkfFoZWX3kX6o1Gyu61BgvPMWW6bNKgXfmL7upGJV8f73zjPSP/s1600/powerful.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQhd2x7y-5B_VYpi8BokKrp0W3dDm12bPq2mdFN_SoNuP1OKxgxJTROPOo5Xwv406JiIfBdvT4hfJgEFmO5qSeX3dPMhPkfFoZWX3kX6o1Gyu61BgvPMWW6bNKgXfmL7upGJV8f73zjPSP/s1600/powerful.jpg" /></a></div>Recently, I realize my blog has become more about my silly little personal conflicts rather than full of meaningful discussions or insight that will help me move through challenges and difficulties. So here is my promise to all of you faithful readers - I will do at least one post per week on a meaningful, powerful, or controversial topic. I want to have the opportunity to really think about the world, and I have always enjoyed your input when I do those posts. There is my promise. I have always wanted to change the world, so I'm starting right here.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-20803385157450362642011-01-03T08:19:00.000-08:002011-01-03T08:19:12.058-08:00blog rant.You know you're going to love this post. My thoughts are all running together quickly, and I may jump around a lot. But it has GOT to come out. <br />
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So the reason I'm even blogging at this time of the morning is because I went out to start my car this morning, and since it's been sitting in the cold for five days now (I had LASIK done and haven't been driving) it will not start. I have it on a battery charger, but heaven knows how long that will take. So, I jumped online and started browsing the blogosphere. Here is what I'm currently frustrated with...<br />
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Facebook is an open, public place. Even if your profile is set to private and only your "friends" can see your information, I can 100% guarantee that not EVERYONE wants ALL of their "friends" viewing some of their dirty laundry. I know people are biased and will always make themselves look like martyrs, but for heaven's sake! Realize that the people you are PUBLICLY bashing are probably mutual friends with at least ONE of your friends.<br />
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Blogs? Not so private. Especially if you have it set so ANYONE can follow your blog. I follow three blogs privately, and I honestly have no idea if the authors know or not. One of them is ALWAYS bashing on my best friend and me. My name has not been used, but my best friend's name has been. Multiple times. What's worse, this blog is CONSTANTLY being linked on Facebook where all of our mutual friends are reading it. The full story is NOT being told, and my best friend is made to look like an absolute fool, and I was called a "homewrecking ex". You have GOT to be kidding me! The author of this blog is not so innocent, and it drives me MAD that everyone else besides that person is portrayed as sinful, evil, and the cause of all the author's problems. But oh well. I guess that's the point of a personal blog, right? Gr.<br />
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with all of the drama that I see, I sincerely hope these people soon REALIZE they are hurting others. If someone is cruel to you, don't tear them down. Don't make everyone hate them. That will solve nothing. Christ said to love our neighbors. I know that I have a HUGE problem loving those who have offended me, but I hope I would have the strength to ultimately let go and pray for that person to have a change of heart. I need to have my own change of heart, first, and work from there.<br />
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Don't preach repentance, acceptance, and moving on... then blame the rest of the world for the problems YOU have helped to create in your life. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't say it was all Ben's fault. I absolutely know I was there, too! I definitely remember it! The problems between us after learning I was pregnant wasn't the result of one person or the other, it was both of us. We were making poor choices prior to the pregnancy, and it was no wonder our relationship was falling apart. It wasn't based on eternal principles, with an eternal perspective. It was quite physical and had been for some time. Is it any wonder we fell apart when we suddenly had a new, perfect life involved? The powers of procreation are God-given, and when those powers are used in the wrong way it can't be expected that everything will turn out sunshine-and-daisies. The desires of my heart were conflicting with a power stronger than I was, and I was miserable. For everyone involved. I could not serve two masters. I didn't choose to place my little boy because I wanted to continue my life of hypocrisy and sin, I placed because I knew he deserved to be in a home that had respected the power of God and would have a temple sealing in place. I knew that I needed to change my heart and change my life, and it has been a long process. It is hard. Repentance doesn't happen overnight, or even in the course of week. Sin breeds nothing but despair, and I know that firsthand. I'm still dealing with that concept. Thank goodness David is where he is supposed to be, and that I was given enough mercy from God to be able to make that choice. <br />
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If the person I'm upset with right now reads this (you will know who you are), know that yes, I am upset. I'm angry. But also know that I have prayed for you every night for the past two months because, believe it or not, I know EXACTLY how you feel. But please, don't air out your dirty laundry for all the world to see. How can you expect someone to have a change of heart and not walk away when such cruel things are said about them? It's unfair. Use a journal, not a public place. Repentance should be a private process, and it's harder to go through when you're constantly being bashed and EVERYONE knows about it. Show some compassion for a confused and still-broken heart.Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1585725027876670150.post-7721479551730841132010-12-24T22:00:00.000-08:002010-12-24T22:00:15.150-08:00Merry Christmas!One year. Wow! I already mentioned this on my Facebook page, but this is the one-year anniversary of announcing to David and Amy that their little angel would be joining their family. I can hardly believe it's been a year.<br />
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Right now, I'm watching "White Christmas" with my momma and drinking honey-lemon tea. I'm one of those lucky people who decided to get a beast of a chest cold just in time for Christmas. Yay me!<br />
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I'm still not sure exactly how Christmas will be this year. Last year, we had five people on Christmas morning. This year, we will have two. Lynn is not here in person. My prayer is that he is here, for my mom's sake, in spirit. We'll be spending time with his side of the family tomorrow, and that will be very healing. <br />
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On Wednesday I saw David, Amy and Bo. It was so wonderful! We went to lunch, went to support group (he was the star of the show!), then went to see my Meme (grandmother). I made a huge step, though! I didn't cry when we parted, and I didn't feel the need to cry. Yes, it may have something to do with knowing that I'll see them next week, but still! It's not an unbearable ache to hold him in my arms forever. I still miss him terribly, but each time I see the three of them together I am more reassured that he is THEIRS. It makes me so happy.<br />
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And seriously... he is the most beautiful child. I'll post pictures later.<br />
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For now, Merry Christmas, everyone. My prayers are with all of you tonight. May happiness and joy be yours this Christmas season!Sterling Bohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12867789978566730202noreply@blogger.com1