My Adoption Journey

Perspective

2012-02-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

This will be a short post, but I've really been thinking the past week about February 2010, the month I placed little David into Dave and Amy's arms. February 2010 also marks the 2 year anniversary since my beloved step-dad, Lynn Kraaima, became sick and slipped into a coma. It was only 11 days before I was due with little David, and I can still remember being in the ICU at McKay-Dee Hospital with him. I asked my mom if I could have a few minutes alone with him.

Lynn was unconscious by this point, and we wouldn't ever see him awake again. I started crying when my mom left the room and begged Lynn to wake up. I kept telling him that I couldn't do it [placement] alone, that I needed him, and I didn't know how I'd survive if he wasn't there to help carry me through. I held his hand and waited for a sign... any sign... that he would be there for me.

Lynn never woke up. Little David was born, and placement went flawlessly.

Knowing now that Lynn was never meant to wake up, and looking back and how perfect placement was, I truly believe he WAS with me. Just before placing little David into Amy's arms, I took him into another room to feed him one last time. While in there, he got wide eyes and just stared past me into the corner of the room. That sweet little boy was so at peace in that moment, and I couldn't help but wonder who he was looking at. There was nobody else there.

Whether or not little David saw Lynn, I know that I did have his help at placement. More than anything, I had my Heavenly Father's help.

When Lynn passed away three months later, I gained a whole new perspective on placement and adoption. I quickly went from "woe is me", in regards to placing and missing little David, to "I'm so grateful he is alive!". Immediately after placement, I thought nothing could be worse than not holding "my baby". The empty arms feeling was devastating. After Lynn passed away, I realized it could be much, much worse. Little David could be gone forever. He could have died at birth, or been stillborn, or any number of things. But here I was, getting pictures and emails about a perfect, beautiful little boy who was happy and so full of life! I may not be there to hold him, but I know that I will see him again in this earth life. I know Lynn is in a happier place as well, but it will be some time (I hope?!) before I will see him again.

I still tell people I wouldn't wish the pain of placing a child for adoption on my worst enemy. I also can say that losing a parent, for me, has been more painful. I still have time to tell little David I love him (I do quite often in letters), but I so wish I had had more time to thank Lynn for everything he did for me, and tell him how much I love him.

I miss you, Lynn. I love you.

Three days.

2011-12-30T11:34:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling internally with myself. Three days ago, I found out Ben got engaged. At first, I was angry. Upset, making stupid little remarks in my mind like "yeah, like he's not going to screw THAT one up..."... and then as my blood is boiling over everything, a little thought came to mind.

What gives me the right to make such a judgement? What gives me the right to think I'm so much better?

Didn't we ultimately make the EXACT same mistake? But here I am, still seeking forgiveness of my trespasses with those around me, although I know I took the (incredibly difficult and heartbreaking) steps to be married in the temple to an amazing man. Yet I'm unable to forgive Ben and allow him the same happiness.

Why wouldn't I wish this kind of happiness on someone else?

I can't be truly happy and let go until I forgive. I thought for a time I had, but I realize now that it was just jealousy. It was my mind saying, "Why can things work out so seemingly perfect with someone else, but they didn't with me?"... well, dumb question. One, it wasn't right. Two, we weren't living our lives to be worthy of an eternal happiness. But now we have our separate lives, and somehow (miraculously!) we have both straightened ourselves out - but we had to be separate. It wasn't his fault or my fault. It just had to happen. And now we are both being blessed for it.

The night before last, I had a really hard time sleeping. My mind was racing. I was bouncing between thoughts of, "What if they become Dave and Amy's favorites?" (A senseless thought, I know... but don't judge a sleep-deprived pregnant woman!) "I don't know how to be mother, I only know how to get to the point of delivering a baby!" "Why did I have to mess up what could have been a potential friendship so badly?" and "I am so scared to be a mother!"... Truly, my mind was out of control. After an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I rolled over and told my sweet, dear Bradley what was on my mind. How scared I was. How angry I was. How somehow the fear I felt at becoming a mother connected to me still being angry at Ben for things that happened way before and way after placement. (Placement was truly perfect... blogpost on the left explains that). How I was trying so hard to forgive, but all I could do was be upset about things that happened over a year ago. Bradley held me for a while, kissed my forehead, and offered to give me a blessing.

He blessed me that I would be able to forgive. He blessed me that I would be able to find peace in becoming a mother. He blessed me that as we became a family, I would feel peace and be able to LET GO of the pain I had felt.

I fell asleep soon after the blessing. I spent the day yesterday in a silent prayer, trying to determine where my unsettled feeling stemmed from. What I finally realized is that I'm unsettled because though I am trying very hard to forgive, and as of this moment I am truly HAPPY for Ben and his cute fiance (I'll totally admit I blogstalk her... she's a fantastic writer), I haven't sought forgiveness myself. Knowing that I caused pain and sadness in someone else's life, for whatever reason, has really left me wide open.

In another world, had I known then what I know now, I think I would have handled the friendship/relationship between myself and Ben differently after placement. I used him as a crutch, without once thinking he was feeling the same pain. I silently blamed him for the mistakes prior to little David's arrival in this world. My mind had already determined that nobody could ever hurt as much as I did. It was no wonder things didn't work out! He needed someone separate and free of everything that had happened just as I did. Someone who didn't blame him. And someone who didn't resent him for the pain associated with everything we had been through - pain that I was just as much to blame for!

When I met Bradley and fell in love, it was so different from the feeling I had ever had in my relationship with Ben that I didn't look back. I was so blessed that Bradley found me. That he swept me off my feet. That he loved me because of who I was, and who I was trying to become. He has been my rock. He has been my stronghold when I'm scared or losing control. Bradley was what I needed, and absolutely what I wanted. He his handsome and kind and knows exactly what I need. He is so easy to fall in love with over and over, and he helped me make it to the temple. He wouldn't give up that goal himself, and he did everything in his power to help me make it there, too, so we can be together forever. I was able to because with Bradley, it was right.

My acting angry and vindictive disallows (in my mind) Ben from finding that same happiness. I would be selfish to not want these same blessings for him. Though I highly doubt a friendship will ever reform between us, I do hope he and his fiance know that I am happy for them. I hope they get to experience the blessings I've been able to experience with Bradley.

How lucky am I that little David will have not only his parents, but also BOTH birth parents set a great example for him? It doesn't happen often... if ever. Most people I talk to, one birth parent has gotten their life back on track and the other has gone off the deep end. I truly believe that part of the blessings we each have received from placement has and will be the opportunity to be sealed to our spouses in the House of the Lord for eternity.

My last thought for the day (maybe for a while, as it has been quite a process figuring it all out), is that I am indeed GRATEFUL to Ben's fiance (if she ever reads this, I hope she smiles at the word fiance... it's such a fun word when it's official!) for the example that she has (unknowingly) set for me. All I've heard about her (from mutual friends) and read from her are kind things. Even when I wasn't so nice to her. We spoke once on the phone when I was going through some angry changes, and instead of being cruel and hateful, she stood her ground but she was KIND. It's that kind of woman I'll be proud for little David to know. (Of course I'll still be a little jealous... in an I-want-to-be-the-favorite-aunt kind of way!)

Maybe someday I'll work up the nerve to ask her to guest blog for me. Until then, I'm wishing them the best. They deserve it. If I deserved it, then they do, too.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. This is part of my healing. Not being angry anymore has helped me feel more at peace about being a mother. I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful.

Congrats, you guys. Being sealed in the temple is incredible. So, so incredible.

Oh, and here's a cool article that I love that talks about adoption and the sealing ordinance. From a birthparent perspective, it makes my heart SO happy. Especially the last line.
http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/2011/11/can-temple-ordinances-bring-adoptees.html

For those wondering what the heck I'm talking about with sealing and temples and all of the LDS mumbo-jumbo, please visit http://www.lds.org to learn more. You won't regret it. :-)

Basically, my husband rocks.

2011-12-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

So a couple of days ago I was bent on a certain blog post I wanted to publish. It was written because I was angry and annoyed. I was almost done, when my computer died. Oops, forgot to plug it in. So I plugged it in, waited for it to restart, and when my page came back up - the post was gone. My husband says to me, "Hon, maybe it's a sign you weren't supposed to post that." ... I immediately got defensive, checked my "Edit Posts" page, and the entire post was there. But then we spent a half an hour talking about fire breeding more fire, and if I really want to call someone out for a wrongdoing, I should confront them directly and not in a blog post. Even though I assured him it wasn't directed at just the person I was upset with, and it had been a long time coming, he talked me out of posting it then. Now, in retrospect, I am grateful. I'm grateful I married a man who has enough sense to see the possible ugly outcome of what I would have considered innocent. I try to not be mean-spirited, but when I get on my high-horse... oh man. Had I posted what I wanted to, it would have caused a hailstorm of anger and backlash. I'm so glad he has more sense than I do.

I'm so blessed to have my amazing Bradley in my life. Now, I'm off to blog on our family blog about our baby girl! Oh, did I tell you we're having a girl!?

Australia - Holly is amazing.

2011-11-10T15:07:00.000-08:00

I've blogged about Holly before, but I just want to talk about how much I love her again. We met about four years ago at USU, in the Aggie Marching Band. At the time, we had no idea we would ever meet up again in the adoption world. When I was expecting little David and planning to place, Holly and I started talking. She and Nate were seeking to adopt at the time, and I got a lot of crap from people because I didn't choose to place with them.
After placement, Holly became one of my biggest supporters. She helped buoy me up and gave me encouragement as I trudged through the first year after placement. I tried as much as I could to support her and Nate as they went through multiple failed placements. It was heartbreaking to watch.
Then, last May, they had their sweet little Miles placed into their arms. Oh that boy is so handsome! I got to spend a little time with them this past adoption conference, for which I am very grateful because they are being stationed in Italy. I know, rough life, right?
Anyway, Holly posted *THIS* today and I remember reading it months ago. It still makes my heart ache. But it is so beautifully written. It is worth reading and remembering. Even if you are going to Australia by plane, don't forget the others who are going by boat. Don't take it for granted.

Pregnant After Placement

2011-11-04T10:30:00.000-07:00

While I know I'm not up to the challenge this year of writing every day, I still want to make an effort to post MUCH more than I have recently. This month is National Adoption Awareness Month. I get so excited for this month every year because I go to my blogroll and almost ALWAYS have new blog posts to read!!! I'll have guest posts from Starlee, a dear friend of mine who had a huge impact on my decision to place, some close friends from group, and (YAY!) my mom... sharing her "birth-grandmother" story. I'm very excited about all of them, but this will be the first time my mom shares HER story. Hers is quite different from most birth-grandmother stories, so it will be great.

I decided to start off, I wanted to contribute a bit of my current personal situation.

Almost two years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and placed him into the arms of his eternal family. My life has changed so much since that time that I can hardly believe any of it was real anymore. I can still feel every emotion from that day, but sometimes it feels more like a dream than anything else.

As of today, I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I've been married for 17 weeks. Not quite a honeymoon baby, but pretty close! Bradley and I decided that even though we were both scared to death to have children so soon, we were both getting a strong "yes" each time we prayed about it. Little did we know that our little one was coming a LOT sooner than we anticipated!

The past three months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I sort of had the idea that being married and pregnant would be a fairy-tale and all the other hurt would go away. Of course, I was wrong. First, I felt a LOT of guilt. Not because I was pregnant, but because I know SO many people who would give anything to be pregnant. My heart was breaking for them, and what they would think of me. When you're pregnant and placing for adoption, you're seen as a God-send. When you're just pregnant because, well, you're pregnant... Feelings get hurt. I was afraid to tell people, especially my close circle of adoption-world friends.

I also started having very vivid dreams, mostly of little David. I would wake up feeling like I had to let go of that part of my life to truly enjoy this part. I was torn, and I didn't know how to be loyal to both sides.

I want to be a mother so badly... it's something I crave every day. I'm in awe of the life inside of me, and when Bradley and I first heard our baby's heartbeat, it was one of the most glorious sounds I have ever heard. But it's awfully reminiscent of another baby... another life. I'm still trying to figure out how to separate everything so that I can find joy in this new little life. I'm nervous about the hospital, and about going home. I pray every day that everything will be different, and that I'll be able to turn my emotions around.

I'm proud of where I am now. I was able to be married and sealed in the temple to the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm blessed to bring a child into this world, and to have my husband by my side every day. The number one difference I've found with this pregnancy is having a worthy, righteous man by my side CONSTANTLY. There's none of the back-and-forth, horrible mind games. I don't feel used, abandoned, or broken. I am whole. My husband loves me with all of his heart, and I love him right back with all of mine. I'm so grateful that I know the difference, and I pray that every girl who has ever been through a pregnancy alone will be able to know the difference. The Lord is amazing, and I know that the challenges I'm facing right now will only help to make me a stronger person.

I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring a child into this world. I'm grateful that I will finally have the title of "Mom" (it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!). I'm grateful that my husband is doing everything in his power so that I can be a stay-at-home mom and raise our children in a Christ-centered home. I am so blessed, and I still pray every day for others' pain to be lessened.

For those who read this and may feel pain or anger, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I want to find joy in my blessings, so please share that joy with me.

Dear Birthmother (Tender Mercies)

2011-07-27T18:47:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant and had finalized my decision to place for adoption, I was shocked at how many letters I received sharing their stories and their support. Most of these were from people I knew, but I had never known that adoption had touched their lives. I remember very well two letters I received, one from a friend of Dave and Amy's who lives in Florida. She gave the letter to them before I announced I would be placing with them, and told them to give it to their birthmother when they were chosen. I received the letter from Dave and Amy about a month before I delivered. I kept it by my bedside for the entire month, then in my journal for months after placement. That letter was from a dear, wonderful woman who placed her daughter 15 years ago. She expressed her love for me (someone she had never even met!) and told me of the love she felt from our Heavenly Father every day. She assured me that I would be blessed and grateful, and that Dave and Amy were incredible people (I already knew that) who would be amazing parents (already knew that, too!). That letter made me want to help other girls. I figured that if I could give comfort to just one other birthmother, then I would succeed in my mission. I wanted to change the world, even if it was just one person's world.
   The other letter I keep close to me still is from little David's maternal grandmother (Amy's mom). I hadn't met her when I received the letter, but Dave and Amy gave it to me the night of placement. I never knew a grandmother could be so grateful and so humbled by a child joining her family. She had other grandchildren, but in her letter she expressed her unconditional love for little David and my part in bringing him to their family. It made me realize the magnitude of my decision. I wasn't just placing a child into Dave and Amy's family, I was placing him into a long line, reaching back hundreds of generations, and it will continue hundreds of generations... all because he was placed into that family. Adoption is an eternal principle, and I am often humbled by that thought.

   So, as I've been thinking about others a lot lately, here is my letter to birthmothers or birthmothers-to-be,
      Dear Birthmother,
         You don't know me, and maybe you never will. I can tell you that I don't know exactly what you're going through because all our stories are different. But I can tell you a few things about what you are about to experience.
          Please, love your baby. Connect with your baby before he or she is born. Bond with them after they are born. Your baby needs to feel that love from you, because a part of them will always remember that love. You don't ever want to regret not connecting with that baby. It is so worth it. The love you will share, for however short a time until placement, will stay with you forever. It will buoy you up when you start to ache. It is real, and it is unending. You will never stop loving your baby.
          Placement will hurt. So much. You may be numb right after, and that's okay. But let yourself hurt. Open yourself up and just ache. You need to feel that pain, don't try to hide from it. There will be mornings you wake up and you will honestly think you can't live another moment. Sometimes the grief will make you want to just curl up and disappear. But I promise you, it will ease. Slowly, day by day, it will ease some. Pray often, and pray hard. No matter how you lived your life prior to placement, our Heavenly Father is there for you. He will hold you, and though you won't be able to see Him or feel Him, He will be there. Then, one day, you'll wake up and you won't immediately cry. One day, you'll be able to look at a picture of your baby with his or her new parents and you will smile. You will be able to recognize the love that is there, and you will be able to relate to that love. One day, you will do something normal. And you will remember how much it hurt before, and be grateful that you made it through the pain.
          You will run into people who don't understand, and who will not want to understand why you decided to place. That's okay. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. It was your decision, and yours alone. Nobody else can possibly know what was best for your baby or for you.
         And then... someone will come into your life. He will fall in love with you, and he will think you hung the moon. He will learn your story, and will love you BECAUSE you made the decision you did. He will recognize that you are a strong, amazing daughter of God. You made a selfless, incredible sacrifice on behalf of someone else, and because of that your spirit will radiate out to those around you. He will recognize that, and he will cherish you. He will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.
         Not all of this will happen fast, and not all of this will happen in that order. But I promise you this, birthmomma... You are loved. By me, and by thousands of other women who made this decision. You are in a sisterhood, and there will always be someone there to hold you. There are thousands of couples waiting to be chosen who love you because you give them hope by what you have endured, and by what you about to endure. Most important, there is a family out there that already feels, or will soon feel, unable to express their love and gratitude. The love they feel for you is overwhelming. You may never know how important you are to so many people. I pray for you every day, and I hope you can look back on this experience in the future and say "I did something so hard, and I survived. I am happy."

             All my love,
              Sterling Bo

Cause or Crusade?

2011-06-21T11:17:00.000-07:00

That's what I'm determining right now. I'm about to start on a brand new journey in 2 weeks, and I will soon be sharing my life completely with the man I love. He is so supportive of all the adoption advocating I do, and has encouraged my open adoption fully.

But now I have to decide - Am I part of a cause, or a crusade? I will always be part of the adoption world, I will always advocate, and I will always LOVE and be GRATEFUL for what adoption has given me. It has given me the peace that my little boy is with his eternal family, loved, and adored. It has given me a new chance at life, and has put me in the right place at the right time to meet my eternal companion (to be!).

I will be taking a formal break from blogging for a little while. I will be weaning myself from my support group over the next couple months, and I will begin to move forward. I don't know how long I will be on this blogging hiatus. Maybe a month, maybe longer. We'll see. But in the meantime, I want to thank everyone so much for their support and love. These past couple of years have been the most incredibly heartbreaking and wonderful years.

I'm getting married in two weeks. I'm excited, I'm at peace. It brings me to tears to know that this wonderful, wonderful man I will be marrying loves me for everything I am and everything I've overcome, and will continue to overcome. I am so blessed. Thank to those who have supported me in the past, and who will continue to support me.

(PS- My sister designed this save-the-date! Find her on Etsy - danandwinnie !!)

Neat

2011-05-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

So for those who don't know yet, I'm now a server at the Riverdale Chili's. "The" Chili's that I met Dave and Amy at! (Not the reason I'm working there, but still cool! I love waiting on the table we sat at.)
I had a neat experience a few nights ago that I've been DYING to blog about, but blogger was down, so...

I was waiting on a table with a lady in her late twenties (I'd guess), her mother ("Grammy!!" was the excited squeal from her grandbabies), and two toddlers. The kids were quite close in age, and I briefly thought, 'Hm, wonder if they're adopted?' then didn't think about it again. After they paid, "Grammy" (what the kids were calling her) came up to me and handed the signed credit card slip directly to me. (Yes, it was a nice tip. :) ) Then out of nowhere, she started telling me that it's sometimes hard for them to go out with two kids so close in age, but that her daughter had never been able to get pregnant so when she was chosen to have both children placed with her within months of each other, she simple couldn't say no. OF course, I started getting teary-eyed and said to her, "Tell your daughter I appreciate her - I'm a birthmom. I placed my little boy just over a year ago." Well, then Grammy starts getting teary-eyed and we started talking and crying and she told me about how wonderful her grandbabies' birthmothers are, and how one just got married in the temple and how wonderful it was... I told her that I was getting married in the temple soon, and it was a big pile of happy tears. So Grammy told me she wasn't sure why but she just felt like sharing that with me and now she knows why. She then walked out, and within minutes her daughter came rushing back in, took my hand, and said "Thank you!" and left.. leaving me with a $10 bill in my hand. :) Warm fuzzies!!!

Adoption rocks. Just sayin'.

sometimes goodbye comes before hello

2011-04-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to start. The past few days have been like a rush of events, all churning around me, but none of them involving me directly. I want to focus on one event in particular.

I have some amazing, wonderful, and inspiring friends. They are hoping to adopt. No, it's not Dave and Amy. These friends helped support me through my unplanned pregnancy, and were some of my biggest cheerleaders through placement and post-placement.

My heart is aching for them right now. They were told a sweet baby girl would be placed with them today, and as soon as they arrived in the baby's birth state, they were told the new mother had changed her mind - she would not be placing. When I got the news, I was devastated. It shocked me, because I know how painful it would have been for the girl to relinquish her parental rights... but I cannot fathom how much pain is involved when you have to say goodbye before you even say hello.

I am praying for my friends. I am praying for that sweet baby girl. I am also praying for the new young mother. It will not be easy for her, but I'm praying she can be strong as she takes on the world. Although there is anger that my dear friends were hurt, the anger is not at the would-be birthmother. My anger is directed at how unfair infertility is. I don't struggle with infertility that I know of, but it hurts. It hurts to see people aching to be parents, and unable to do so biologically... and even more to see them be so close to having a child, and having it taken from them. It makes me angry that anyone else has to go through any of the emotional torment associated with placing a child for adoption. More than anything, though... there is sorrow. This is part of being human, and like it or not... I can't do anything about it. I can support, I can love, I can educate.

My dear friends who have gone through what may be the worst day you have ever known... I love you. So deeply. I pray for you, I wish I lived closer to you. I want you to know how much support you have, from those you know and many you do not. I know that our Heavenly Father loves you, and I wish so much there was something, ANYTHING, I could to do take your pain away. But I can't. As much as I want to.

I am a birthmother. I ache. And, unlike many, I also ache daily for the other side of my sorrow.

fight like a bear

2011-04-04T19:49:00.000-07:00

My sister told me about an amazing little boy who was recently diagnosed with T-Cell ALL (Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia). Baxter "Bear" Blaney is 9 years old and fighting like a champ! In the past three weeks, he has undergone some serious rounds of chemo and will continue for quite some time. Please share this information with everyone you can. Click HERE to view his special "Fight Like A Bear" Facebook page. You'll find support items such as adorable glass tiles, bottlecap keychains, and wristbands for purchase. 100% of the purchase price will go to the Blaney family to help support this sweet little boy in his fight against cancer. Even if you don't purchase anything, take a moment to share. We all have the ability to help!

a new birthmother??

2011-03-29T11:38:00.000-07:00

I recently read/watched one of *Joniece*'s posts about what happens when a new birthmom is added to a family... that is, when the birthmother's "couple" adopts again and has a new birthmom join their little triad. Joniece and Nicole both placed their babies into the same family, and are now very close to each other. I've thought about it a lot recently, especially since Dave and Amy are in the process of adopting again.
   From the beginning, I've been excited for little David to have siblings. I grew up with five siblings, and I can't imagine not having a big family! But I've also been fearful of what will happen when a new birthmom is put into the balance of things. Will everything still be perfect? Will I start to feel resentment? I can honestly say that I don't know. I know it will be one of those jealousy things when Dave and Amy have my birthmom sister visit, and be there when they are sealed, etc... But will it honestly be a bad kind of jealousy? I get jealous when my siblings are able to visit each other and I'm not, but it doesn't result in a bad relationship. It's just something I can't do at the time.
   Here's the skinny... I know David will have younger siblings. I know Dave and Amy are going to be just as amazing to another birthmom. I also know that our relationship with each other may change through the years, but I know it will always be strong, no matter how many birthmoms are involved! I also know that I will love and adore the new birthmom, simply because of the sacrifice she will make. I remember how it feels, and I remember how deep the pain goes. I will love her and I will do everything in my power to be close to her. I don't know who she is yet, but I love her already. She is giving my little boy siblings!!!
   Who knows... maybe I'll have the means, when that time comes, to be able to visit when Dave, Amy and David are sealed to the new little spirit. My hope is that regardless, I will someday be able to wrap my arms around the new birthmom and tell her how much I love her, how much her sacrifice means to ME, and how I know she will LOVE her relationship with Dave and Amy.

I have a different perspective... I know that. I welcome comments, but understand that I do know other birthmothers do not feel the same way that I do - which is normal. But I'm moving forward, I'll be getting married to my best friend and love in July, and I will still continue my relationship with my little boy's parents. How blessed am I? Pretty darn. David is loved, beautiful, and has a mom and dad who are always there for him... and he will have a wonderful relationship with me and with Bradley. Yes, my sweet Bradley has already become friends with them. And it is perfect.

Oh... by the way... I'm getting married! see *HERE* for details! (feel free to follow!)

it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right

2011-02-20T23:06:00.000-08:00

February 20, 2010. My phone buzzed under my pillow, and "Blessed" by Elton John began to play. It was 6:15 am, and I woke up feeling numb. I showered, twisting to see my beautiful toenails I'd had my sister paint two nights earlier and thought, "Well, at least my toes will be pretty."

My bag had been packed for over a week and hauled around in the back of my mother's car on the off-chance I went into labor while at the University of Utah hospital (that's another story...). I pulled my hair into a messy-bun, dressed warm, and got into the car at 6:40. I called Ben, told him to be on his way down (he had an hour drive) and I arrived at the hospital at 7:00.

To say I don't remember much would be a lie. I remember counting the black tiles in the emergency room check-in (because the main doors weren't open that early). I remember filling out way too much paperwork, not asking enough questions, and silently wishing I hadn't decided to be induced, after all. After almost an hour, I was in a delivery room and the sweet nurse hooked up the contraction monitor, baby heart-rate monitor, and started the pitocin. I settled in and began joking with my mom. By 9 am, Ben had arrived with a large bottle of chocolate milk (which I wasn't allowed to drink) and two bags of Lindt chocolates (which I also wasn't allowed to eat). It was so slow. So agonizingly slow.

We listened to music, played games, and talked. I would stare at the heart-rate monitor and try to imagine the tiny little heart beating in my womb, just hours from entering this world. I was so afraid to meet him. I was so afraid to love him. But I already knew that I did.

David and Amy were on the first leg of their flight to Utah, and I anticipated them arriving well after their little one was born. In those first few hours, I decided I wanted them to come to the hospital. Not part of the original plan, but so far NOTHING had gone according to MY plan.

My wonderful, amazing Bishop came to the hospital and, with the aid of my loving brother, Spencer, gave me a blessing. I was blessed that I would have a smooth delivery and that I would heal well, both physically and emotionally. I was blessed that I would feel my Savior's love for me. I was blessed that I would be strong and remember the changes I had made in my life to get to where I was. After that blessing, I began to feel. I began to accept that I was going to love this little boy, and he deserved nothing less than all the love and care I had to offer him. I couldn't offer him much, but I could offer that sweet little boy all of me.

A little after noon, even though I was breathing through my contractions, I was talked into the epidural. Within 30 minutes, I began to experience a panic attack as I felt my body go numb. By 1 pm, the epidural had been stopped. For me, the pain was preferable to being numb. Each contraction hit me like a wave of reality, each more intense than the last and reminding me that I was part of something greater than myself.

As my body began to get ready for delivery, my plan began to fail again. The baby's heartbeat was slow, my heartbeat was slow, I had to wear oxygen, the cord was around his neck, Ben's mom was in the room, Ben saw everything, they had to use the vacuum, I had to have an episiotomy, but...

At 5:31 pm, David Allen Harmon III entered this mortal existence. It was the most sacred experience of my life. 8 pounds, 2 ounces. 20 1/2 inches long. A bundle of swollen, puffy, sticky perfection. I did not get to hold him immediately as I'd hoped, but Ben's blessed mother took pictures for me. When I did hold him, every fear I had melted away. He was tiny in my arms. I felt like I was in a cloud amidst all the noise and distraction around me. It was just the two of us. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this little boy. I knew that I was about to do everything I was capable of doing. I cried from exhaustion, sadness, joy, and every emotion in-between.

Amy and I had decided to breastfeed. I would start in the hospital, and Amy would do a hormone-induced pregnancy to induce lactation. I had such a strong desire to breastfeed, and Amy's desire to had solidified my decision. As I learned to nurse David, my love for him increased. How incredible it was that I was the only person who could do this for him? He was relying on me, solely. I was his protector and provider. I was his mom for a small time, and I would make those moments last. Nursing him was such a beautiful and incredible experience. I will never regret that decision.

I called David and Amy. Their son was here! He was perfect! Would they come that night? Of course I wanted them to! They would call when they got to Utah. I got off the phone and cried again.

My dad came to meet little David. Ben's family met him. Then, Ben and I were alone with our son. It was heaven. I held him, rocked him, nursed him, sang to him, and told him stories. I told him everything I wanted for him. I made him promises that I have kept so far. I memorized his face, his hands, his little feet. I memorized the sounds he made while he slept. I memorized his little whimper, and I memorized his huge, beautiful eyes.

Exhaustion caught up to me, and I asked David and Amy to wait until the next day to come. They gladly agreed. (As I've said, they are amazing). As midnight rolled around, I kissed my sweet little angel on the forehead and breathed in his scent. As my tears fell on his sweet face, I promised I would make him proud of me.

He is perfect. As with my whole story, that day was perfect in its imperfection. With the existence of this perfect little boy ended my old life, and began a new life. Here was my second chance at life, by giving him the best first chance I could give him.

Happy Birthday, sweet one!

i was changed

2011-02-19T00:56:00.000-08:00

52 weeks ago, I was taking a hot bubble bath in the middle of the night. My mom knocked on the door, and informed me that my OB had called. I was going to be induced (at my request, even after all the effort I had gone through to go into labor naturally) the next morning at 7 am. I yelled okay, acted fine... sank down to my ears in the water, wrapped my arms around my beautiful, rounded belly.... and I sobbed. I tried so hard to stop, but the tears just kept flowing. I knew it was right and necessary, but I was so scared. I wasn't ready. I wanted more time.

I dried off and examined myself in the mirror. I had always loved the beautiful curve of a pregnant woman's body, but somehow seeing myself in such a sacred role was overwhelming. I had gotten there in a very un-sacred way. Why was I entrusted with this perfect little life? Why was I chosen to make such a huge decision, at the risk of breaking my own soul apart?

I tried to memorize the shape of my swollen belly, even finding beauty in the stretch marks curving across my skin, and willed myself to remember how each movement felt from the tiny life inside me. I went upstairs, prayed and begged God for a release, and tried to fall asleep.

I thought of never-ending pain. I imagined a hollow ache. I imagined coming home with empty arms and feeling like a piece of me was missing. As I lay in agony, still begging my Heavenly Father for another way, I saw two faces in my mind. A beautiful couple, so ready to be parents. I could almost feel the joy they were about to experience. I began to anticipate their excitement and gratitude. I realized that although I would be aching, their emptiness would end.

I fell asleep clinging to the peace that came with knowing David and Amy would soon be meeting their son. My tears continued to soak my pillow, but a warm peace came over me. Lying alone, with my arms wrapped around my sweet unborn angel, I slept.

God has a sense of humor...

2011-01-25T08:03:00.000-08:00

I go on a dating hiatus, and this is what happens. :-)

I got asked to sing in church on Sunday, January 9. Right after me, a recently-returned missionary spoke. I could only see the back of his head and I made a mental note to ask him who did his hair, and try to get him to see me (Hey, he has GREAT hair, but I need clientele!). The next Sunday, he added me as a friend on Facebook. We started chatting, exchanged numbers, and in a whirlwind of events the next three days, I fell head-over-heels. I can't believe what an amazing man he is, and I'm so excited to see where all of this goes.

Feel free to Stalkbook him... ;-) (if you're my Facebook friend, I'm in a relationship with him)

Just a note... he cuts his OWN hair (impressive) and I'm still trying to convince him to come to me... :-) Seriously fantastic hair... (am I a cosmo or what??)

my promise to all of you

2011-01-10T09:48:00.000-08:00

Recently, I realize my blog has become more about my silly little personal conflicts rather than full of meaningful discussions or insight that will help me move through challenges and difficulties. So here is my promise to all of you faithful readers - I will do at least one post per week on a meaningful, powerful, or controversial topic. I want to have the opportunity to really think about the world, and I have always enjoyed your input when I do those posts. There is my promise. I have always wanted to change the world, so I'm starting right here.

blog rant.

2011-01-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

You know you're going to love this post. My thoughts are all running together quickly, and I may jump around a lot. But it has GOT to come out.

So the reason I'm even blogging at this time of the morning is because I went out to start my car this morning, and since it's been sitting in the cold for five days now (I had LASIK done and haven't been driving) it will not start. I have it on a battery charger, but heaven knows how long that will take. So, I jumped online and started browsing the blogosphere. Here is what I'm currently frustrated with...

Facebook is an open, public place. Even if your profile is set to private and only your "friends" can see your information, I can 100% guarantee that not EVERYONE wants ALL of their "friends" viewing some of their dirty laundry. I know people are biased and will always make themselves look like martyrs, but for heaven's sake! Realize that the people you are PUBLICLY bashing are probably mutual friends with at least ONE of your friends.

Blogs? Not so private. Especially if you have it set so ANYONE can follow your blog. I follow three blogs privately, and I honestly have no idea if the authors know or not. One of them is ALWAYS bashing on my best friend and me. My name has not been used, but my best friend's name has been. Multiple times. What's worse, this blog is CONSTANTLY being linked on Facebook where all of our mutual friends are reading it. The full story is NOT being told, and my best friend is made to look like an absolute fool, and I was called a "homewrecking ex". You have GOT to be kidding me! The author of this blog is not so innocent, and it drives me MAD that everyone else besides that person is portrayed as sinful, evil, and the cause of all the author's problems. But oh well. I guess that's the point of a personal blog, right? Gr.

with all of the drama that I see, I sincerely hope these people soon REALIZE they are hurting others. If someone is cruel to you, don't tear them down. Don't make everyone hate them. That will solve nothing. Christ said to love our neighbors. I know that I have a HUGE problem loving those who have offended me, but I hope I would have the strength to ultimately let go and pray for that person to have a change of heart. I need to have my own change of heart, first, and work from there.

Don't preach repentance, acceptance, and moving on... then blame the rest of the world for the problems YOU have helped to create in your life. When I found out I was pregnant, I couldn't say it was all Ben's fault. I absolutely know I was there, too! I definitely remember it! The problems between us after learning I was pregnant wasn't the result of one person or the other, it was both of us. We were making poor choices prior to the pregnancy, and it was no wonder our relationship was falling apart. It wasn't based on eternal principles, with an eternal perspective. It was quite physical and had been for some time. Is it any wonder we fell apart when we suddenly had a new, perfect life involved? The powers of procreation are God-given, and when those powers are used in the wrong way it can't be expected that everything will turn out sunshine-and-daisies. The desires of my heart were conflicting with a power stronger than I was, and I was miserable. For everyone involved. I could not serve two masters. I didn't choose to place my little boy because I wanted to continue my life of hypocrisy and sin, I placed because I knew he deserved to be in a home that had respected the power of God and would have a temple sealing in place. I knew that I needed to change my heart and change my life, and it has been a long process. It is hard. Repentance doesn't happen overnight, or even in the course of week. Sin breeds nothing but despair, and I know that firsthand. I'm still dealing with that concept. Thank goodness David is where he is supposed to be, and that I was given enough mercy from God to be able to make that choice.

If the person I'm upset with right now reads this (you will know who you are), know that yes, I am upset. I'm angry. But also know that I have prayed for you every night for the past two months because, believe it or not, I know EXACTLY how you feel. But please, don't air out your dirty laundry for all the world to see. How can you expect someone to have a change of heart and not walk away when such cruel things are said about them? It's unfair. Use a journal, not a public place. Repentance should be a private process, and it's harder to go through when you're constantly being bashed and EVERYONE knows about it. Show some compassion for a confused and still-broken heart.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-24T22:00:00.000-08:00

One year. Wow! I already mentioned this on my Facebook page, but this is the one-year anniversary of announcing to David and Amy that their little angel would be joining their family. I can hardly believe it's been a year.

Right now, I'm watching "White Christmas" with my momma and drinking honey-lemon tea. I'm one of those lucky people who decided to get a beast of a chest cold just in time for Christmas. Yay me!

I'm still not sure exactly how Christmas will be this year. Last year, we had five people on Christmas morning. This year, we will have two. Lynn is not here in person. My prayer is that he is here, for my mom's sake, in spirit. We'll be spending time with his side of the family tomorrow, and that will be very healing.

On Wednesday I saw David, Amy and Bo. It was so wonderful! We went to lunch, went to support group (he was the star of the show!), then went to see my Meme (grandmother). I made a huge step, though! I didn't cry when we parted, and I didn't feel the need to cry. Yes, it may have something to do with knowing that I'll see them next week, but still! It's not an unbearable ache to hold him in my arms forever. I still miss him terribly, but each time I see the three of them together I am more reassured that he is THEIRS. It makes me so happy.

And seriously... he is the most beautiful child. I'll post pictures later.

For now, Merry Christmas, everyone. My prayers are with all of you tonight. May happiness and joy be yours this Christmas season!

Heaven help me

2010-12-16T07:43:00.000-08:00

Remember Road 1 and Road 2? This is more difficult than I thought it would be... I've always prided myself on being strong and brave, but the one thing I can't seem to be strong or brave enough about is walking away. I'm still clinging to something that doesn't love me back.. Though my heart is breaking, I know it's the only one that is.

"Close my eyes and I count to ten, everything will be wonderful again..."

How do you survive a broken heart? The movies and books make it seem so easy...

Adoption Rocks! Giveaway from DesignMyBusiness!

2010-12-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

I love giveaways. I seriously do. And the best part about giveaways is seeing these beautiful gems go to my favorite people!

I now have an "Adoption Rocks!" tile necklace, thanks to the beautiful designers at DesignMyBusiness! They have generously donated another beautiful necklace for this giveaway. DesignMyBusiness believes all those involved in the adoption triad are truly Rock Stars!

To enter, leave a comment and tell me what you hope to accomplish by being an adoption advocate. Also leave your email so that I can contact you!

Other ways to enter (leave a SEPARATE comment for each entry, and leave your email with each comment)

1)Friend me on Facebook!

2)Follow my blog!

3)Tell me who you would wear this necklace in honor of, and why. :-)

Yay adoption! Also, to purchase one of these beauties (or other fun jewelry!) check out www.DesignMyBusiness.etsy.com !

(They do custom designs, too!)

Would you do it again?

2010-12-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

This question goes out to my fellow birthmothers. This thought has been on my mind a lot lately as I've met birthmothers who either placed twice, or placed once and then parented.

If you became pregnant again, in the same situation as before, would you place again?

To couples who have adopted, what would your reaction be to finding out your child's birthmother was expecting again?

I'd really like input on this. I think it is a terrifying question.

quick before it's gone

2010-12-03T23:21:00.000-08:00

Whenever I have an amazing experience, I feel this incredible urgency to blog about it before it's gone.

Even before writing it, I know it will sound lame. But tonight was... powerful.

For the past 5 years, we've gone to Michael McLean's "The Forgotten Carols". We used to do Cottonwood High, then Logan, now Ogden. The show is a little different every year, and it's always so exciting to go.

Tonight, I initially was not in the mood for it. My mind was on a million other things. Then, the very beginning hit me full force. A simple tune I've become so familiar with because I've been listening to 'The Forgotten Carols' for years now. The sound of a flute, clear and strong, rang out above the crowd. I got chills.

Although the story is about a woman who has never known how to love, and has never believed in Christmas of any form, I was able to feel the story personally. The message was of Christ's existence, his miraculous birth, and the importance of the love of God in our lives. I cried many times during the show. The music was overwhelming, and I felt like it was piercing my heart. It was not a musical masterpiece but, for me, finding deeper meaning in music and words I was already so familiar with was amazing.

At the end of his performance, Michael McLean has everyone join hands ("I believe in linking!") and sing the line, "we will be together forever someday" over and over. Never before has that meant so much. To my still-young, 21-year-old heart it was comforting and emotional. I thought of David, Amy, and Bo. I thought of Lynn. I thought of my own future. How blessed we are that we can be an ETERNAL family unit! How beautiful is the promise made to us that through repentance and righteous living, we will never be without those we love after this life!

God's plan of happiness is for each person. Individually. I was a little taken aback a few days ago when I thought of how much I love Bo, and the thought that immediately followed was that it is nothing compared to how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I can't imagine any greater love than what I have for Bo... but God's love is greater. It is the greatest.

Michael McLean told us tonight to imagine the Savior in any way we wanted to, whether it was as an infant or as the King of Kings. I know exactly how I picture my Savior.

I find a lot of peace in the idea of my Savior holding me in his arms. He does not want me to stay lost. He will seek me, if I seek him. He knows the pain I feel, and the desires of my heart. He knows, he understands, and he loves me. He is my shepherd.

pick myself up

2010-12-02T10:09:00.000-08:00

I know it seems that I have fallen off the face of the earth. I feel terrible. I even promised a wonderful friend that I would write a special guest blog post for her during NAWM, and alas... I let my emotions and current state of mind get the best of me. I hope I can have her forgiveness, as well as others around me who I have lost touch with in the past few weeks.

I won't go into details, but it has been a difficult time. My emotions have been running high, and I have been reliving a lot of memories I have never worked through. It has been draining, but necessary.

Over the next couple of weeks, as I feel stable enough to do so, I am going to focus my blog on grief and healing... and mostly on moving forward. Today in group, we talked about goals, success, and the path that leads to our success. As a Dr. Seuss fan, I loved the story that was shared:

The Zode in the Road

*******************

Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,

Who came to two signs at the fork in the road?

One said to Place One, and the other, Place Two.

So the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.

Well…the Zode scratched his head, and his chin and his pants.

And he said to himself, “I’ll be taking a chance

If I go to Place One. Now, that place may be hot!

And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?

On the other hand though, I’ll be sort of a fool

If I go to Place Two and find it too cool.

In that case I may catch a chill and turn blue!

So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two,

But then again, what if Place One is too high?

I may catch a terrible earache and die!

So Place Two may be best! On the other hand though…

What might happen to me if Place Two is too low?

I might get some very strange pain in my toe!

So Place One may be best,” and he started to go.

Then he stopped, and he said, “On the other hand

though….

On the other hand…other hand…other hand though…”

And for 36 hours and a half that poor Zode

Made starts and made stops at the fork in the road.

Saying, “Don’t take a chance. No! You may not be

right.”

Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright!

“Play safe!” cried the Zode. “I’ll play safe. I’m no dunce!

I’ll simply start out for both places at once!”

And that’s how the Zode who would not take a chance

Got no place at all with a split in his pants.

This actually meant more to me than I could have imagined. I'm at a place right now where I need to make a choice. Unlike the Zode, I know where my paths lead. Road 1 will be rocky and painful at the beginning, but is the road that is necessary to take. I know I must take that road. Road 2 will be dark and empty, with more pain, and will never end. My problem is that I'm on Road 2 already. I am having a hard time letting go of promises that were made to me, even though I know they are empty. I have been hurt on Road 2, even though I keep seeing signs saying, "If you just keep going, eventually you might be happy. Even though promises keep getting broken and you keep getting hurt, you can't leave this road now. You're too comfortable here. You're addicted to this road."

Road 1 is unknown to me, but I can jump from Road 2 to Road 1 at any time. I just need to make that choice. I know I need to make it. But it's terrifying. I know that I will be happy and successful on Road 1, and everything logical makes me know I need to be on Road 1. So why can't I just do it? Why can't I do what I know is right and true and best, and go to Road 1 and never look back?

Because Road 2 really is an addiction. Not alcohol or drugs, but an addiction all the same. The problem with this addiction, is that I cannot wean myself off of it. I have to do it cold turkey. I have no other choice. I'm gathering all my strength, and I will do it. I deserve more than what I have received on Road 2. Road 2 has been destroying me, emotionally, mentally, and now physically. I can't be afraid of hurting Road 2, because Road 2 honestly hasn't cared about whether or not I'm there for a very long time. I feel sorry for Road 2, I feel responsible for Road 2's happiness. This is unhealthy. It is unfair.

I am a Daughter of God. I have divine nature. I am worth so much more than I have ever allowed myself to believe. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated by Road 2. I don't deserve to be used and broken by Road 2. No matter the mistakes I've made in my past, I deserve to be treated like a princess. I don't know how I came to let myself be torn apart, but I will not let it happen anymore. I'm ashamed that I've let myself become this. But I have not lost all my pride.

Road 1 is unknown. I don't even know if Road 1 will be nearly as exciting as Road 2. But Road 1 isn't making any empty promises. It is not promising me anything more than that I will be strong, free, and confident. Once I start on my journey on Road 1, I will still see Road 2 from time to time. I will be continuously reminded of the broken promises, the hurt, and the tears shed. I will never be completely separated from Road 2, but I will be protected by Road 1... even if I am the only person traveling Road 1 for a while.

Road 2 claims to need me. I know it is not true. If Road 2 truly needed me and loved me, then I would not be hurting.

Road 1... I will see you soon. I know you'll be there for me no matter what. And if I'm lucky, I will meet my eternal companion whilst traveling.

To those reading this... and I never ask this... please send a little prayer my way. This will be one of the most difficult things I ever do.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost, final stanza of "The Road Not Taken"

I just knew.

2010-11-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

This is a very short post, but I feel that I need to share my feelings.

I've never been one to get hit-over-the-head confirmations from the Lord about anything. Ever.

I'm rarely one to get the warm, fuzzy feeling.

But when I made the decision to place David into Dave and Amy's arms, and I prayed to know that it was true...

I just knew. While my heart was breaking, I also felt an incredible peace settle over me. For the first time in months (possibly years), I could think clearly. I felt strong.

I knew long before I asked and prayed. Most birthmothers do. But, had I not prayed and actively sought the confirmation I so desired, I may not have been able to stick with my decision. Since that time, I have learned to rely on the Lord in all that I do. That's not to say that I DO always rely on the Lord (still working on that..), but I know that it is absolutely necessary.

Almost one year ago, I met Dave and Amy for the first time. It has been a beautiful, albeit difficult, journey. And I am so grateful for that journey.

Ode to Birthfathers (Ben)

2010-11-16T21:24:00.000-08:00

Many stories I read involve a mean, manipulating, or absentee birthfather. I sympathize with these stories, but I also realize that I haven't really told much about Bo's birthfather, my best friend, Ben.

While I don't know what our relationship will look like in the coming years, I can honestly say that I love and respect Ben so much. It wasn't always that way, and he wasn't always perfect during everything. (But hey... neither was I.)

The first part of my pregnancy was rocky. Our relationship had been shaky before learning I was pregnant, and when we found out... well. Everything was downhill for a while. I'm sure every birthmother (or any girl who has gone through a heartbreaking breakup) will understand when I say this -> I don't like to think about those first few months, and to be completely honest, I've forgotten most of it. I remember the important parts, such as when Ben decided he wasn't ready to be a father or a husband. I was angry. I was devastated. I felt like my life was over. Well, as upsetting as all of that was, it was necessary. For me. For both of us. Had we gotten married at the time, it likely would have ended in divorce. Then where would my sweet Bo (David) be? Exactly where we didn't want him to be.

Let's fast forward. When I started looking at family profiles, Ben wanted to be involved and have a say. I was upset about that for a while, but in retrospect I realize it was because he truly did care about what happened to our little boy. I sent him profile after profile, and each was rejected. When I found Dave and Amy, I was so in love with them that I didn't tell Ben for a little while. I didn't want him to say no. So, I waited a few weeks, until I really decided I liked them, and I showed him. He liked them, too. He forwarded the profile to his parents. Everyone liked them. Having that approval took a huge load off my shoulders, but that was by no means the end of it.

Just as I went back and forth on parenting, Ben went back and forth on whether we should stay together and be a family, or not. How do you explain the feelings that you go through in those situations? I'm proud to say we never stopped talking. We fought all the time... we were both hurting and confused. More me. Maybe. I don't know. I can't talk for another person's feelings. But I'll admit, Ben pissed me off to no end.

During that time, before I met Dave and Amy in person, I planned two different times to tell them. Both times I couldn't bring myself to do it, and Ben got upset. He would get all ready emotionally, brace himself... and uh, I would chicken out. Well, we fought some more. I got so angry... there was a lot of anger.

When I met Dave and Amy, Ben was with me. He bribed me with ice cream to get me out of the car. Then bribed me with Aggie ice cream to get me away from the car and into Chili's (where we met Dave and Amy).

Dave and Ben connected immediately. Their lives are very similar... from where they grew up, to what they got/are getting their undergrad degree in, to attending/aiming to attend law school. My heart was put at peace about that, anyway. I knew Ben loved them as much as I did. I could feel it. When we left Chili's, I burst into tears and fell into Ben's arms. His eyes got teary (sorry if you ever read this, Ben! But they did). We both agreed that if we place, Dave and Amy are the ones. We both felt it. We both knew it. I had Ben's support... which meant so much to me.

After agreeing on Dave and Amy, we still fought. Not nearly as much, and not about the stupid little things anymore. (Of course, in retrospect, the things we did fight about were still stupid little things.) As we got closer and closer to my due date, tensions rose. We both got scared. Ben wanted things to be planned, so that he could be there the whole time, and wouldn't have to miss school. I got upset about it, told him over and over that I wanted to go into labor naturally... not on his time.

Well, I was induced. Because of family difficulties, it was a decision I made with my mom. That weekend changed my relationship with Ben forever.

Ben got to the hospital an hour after I checked in. He brought me Lindt chocolates (cruel... because I couldn't eat them!) and chocolate milk (still cruel...) and cards. He only left my side to get me more ice in a cup. He sat next to me the entire 10 hours I was in labor. He held my hand and stroked my hair during heavy contractions. When the moment came to deliver, Ben held my hand and stood at my head the entire time.

When David finally arrived, Ben went straight with him to the warming table. The cord had been around his neck, and we were worried. He didn't leave David's side from the warming table, to my arms, to the nursery. He gave him his first bath. He held his hand for the first time. He got peed on for the first time. I don't think Ben said more than two words for the first hour of David's life.

The first night, Ben and I were alone with David. After watching "The Jungle Book" 12 times, I tried to get some sleep. Ben held David on the couch. (Ben, I know you'll hate this... and I'm sorry but it's so endearing!) ... When he thought I was asleep, Ben sobbed. He sang to David, talked to him, and cried to our little boy. My heart melted. He loved our little boy. He was going to hurt at placement, too. I had been worried that he wouldn't feel anything. Seeing and feeling the love he had for David gave me strength. I would not be alone.

The second day, Ben was protective of David. We had many visitors. Ben didn't leave the room where David was, excepting a few hours that we let him go to the nursery so that we could get a tiny bit of sleep.

The morning of placement, I was a wreck. I was breaking. Ben held me, held David, and held us together. He helped my mom put David in the carseat. He carried the carseat while I was wheeled outside. He sat in the backseat with us as my mom drove us to the agency for placement. He wrapped me in his arms when we stepped out of the car, couldn't get the carseat unbuckled, and wrapped David in a blanket to get him inside away from the cold... because that dang carseat seriously would NOT come out.

Ben held his arm around me and we alternated holding David while we spent an hour and a half alone with him saying goodbye. He held David and cried with me as I signed the papers. He didn't tell me not to. He didn't ask me to change my mind.

A week earlier... I had asked Ben (and everyone else in my support circle) to please not save me. I knew what was right, and I didn't want to have an out. I would be fragile, vulnerable, and I would take any way out of the pain that I could.

A week later, I told Ben that if he had told me to not sign, I wouldn't have. He said he knew. He said he wanted to tell me to not sign so much, but he knew I didn't want to be saved. He knew David was meant to be with Dave and Amy. He knew we couldn't parent David with a "maybe" on our relationship. He respected my desire to be the sole decision-maker that day. And I am so grateful.

Ben's dad gave me a blessing of comfort before the actual placement. Lynn wasn't present as I had planned, and I had asked Ben if it would be alright if I had his dad would give me a blessing. He squeezed my hand and said he thought it was a good idea.

Ben sat next to me when Dave and Amy entered the room. When the moment came to place David into Amy's arms, I looked at Ben. He nodded, and scooped up our little boy. He kissed him, blinked back tears, and told him he loved him. He then handed him to me, I did the same, and he had his arm around my waist as I placed David into Amy's arms.

Ben came home with me after placement. We talked for a few minutes, embraced each other, and he drove back to Logan. He called when he got back to his apartment, and we cried together on the phone. We had done family prayers in the hospital, and we did a family prayer over the phone that night. And every night for the next couple weeks.

Over the next few months, Ben and I helped build each other. I cried to him. He held me when I was sad and aching. He ooh'd and ahh'd over pictures of David with me. We traveled to visit his sister together. We got pulled over twice together.

When Ben left to work in Texas for the summer, I wasn't sure how I would survive. We had both changed so much, and we had helped each other through the most difficult time of our life. How could my best friend be so far away?

The summer was a good summer. We stayed close. Over the summer, we planned to get engaged and married when Ben got home. As the summer drew to a close, I got scared and became uncertain about things. After a lot of prayer, I told Ben we couldn't get married. I wasn't ready. Ben was so kind about it, and promised to be there for me no matter what. He was aching, though.

Now here we are, trying to decide where we go from here. It seems our timing is always off of each other. But whatever happens, I respect Ben. I love Ben. He has been my best friend, my support, my confidant and, of course, baby-daddy. He is close to Dave and Amy, and I'm grateful Bo (David) will always know his birthfather. We had a lot of problems, we fought, and a lot of bad decisions were made. But Ben never left my side in the hospital. He never left my side at placement. And he never left my side after placement. I am grateful for my baby's birthfather. A strong man.

Ben, wherever our roads take us... Thank you for the good times and being there when I needed it. (I still want to kick your butt sometimes for the bad times, though. Just so's we're clear. ;-) )

Why Open Adoption - Holly

2010-11-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

I've only recently become close with Holly... but our conversations have ranged from deep and profound to completely silly. I've stood by and had to watch their heartache, and have wished there was something I could do. Holly and I had a brief discussion about how she hasn't always been supportive of open adoption. That sparked my interest, and I asked her to write her story of deciding open adoption was a good choice for them. Here it is. Visit her blog *HERE* or her adoption profile blog *HERE* . I can't wait for these two to become parents!

Nathan and I had briefly discussed adoption while we were dating – because I knew that there was a chance I’d never be able to conceive and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a deal breaker for him (lucky for me it wasn’t!). But in 2006 we had our first serious discussions about adoption as the option for us. We’d been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, had finally gotten pregnant but lost the baby. We talked more about adoption then, than we had to that point in our relationship. We were pretty sure we knewwhat we wanted, but decided to start doing a little research anyway. We liked the idea of international adoption because there was no “messiness with a birth family”. We wanted to adopt a child that looked as much like us as possible, so we were thinking Eastern Europe. We were not going to keep the adoption a secret, but we were by no means going to openly advertise that we had adopted. Open adoption made us very nervous. We thought it would be scary to have the birthmother know our name…because she would for sure come to our house one day and take the baby back. We thought she would judge us for the way we were raising the child, and would tell us we were horrible parents. We thought she should give birth, never see the baby, never see us and just forget it ever happened. We thought anything different from that would cause more harm than good.

We bought two books to help us decide which country we were going to adopt from (because at this point we were still set on international adoption). One book (The Complete Adoption Book, which I reviewed on my blog last week) had information on domestic and international adoption and because I wanted to make sure we were making the right choice, I read both sections. The book mentioned how adoption had evolved over the last 10 years or so, the relationships becoming more open between birth families and adoptive families. At first this seemed so crazy to me…how could that possibly be a good thing? I was curious, so I loaned another book from the library, it was called Dear Birthmother. This small book (only like 120 pages or so) changed our minds forever about adoption. The book dispels a lot of the myths about adoption, and discusses openly about how good open adoption really is for all involved. I devoured the book quickly and passed it to Nathan to read. After he was finished we talked and talked…and talked about our feelings towards adoption and realized that the more we learned about open adoption, the more we loved the idea.

I am a practical person. I think logically, and very matter of fact. All emotional reasoning aside (I’ll get to those in a sec) open adoption just makes sense. For instance, if your child all of a sudden gets very ill and you take them to the doctor and they ask for a family history you might be in big trouble. In a closed adoption you likely wouldn’t have that information. But if your relationship is open, a quick phone call, email or letter could get you all the answers you need. Also, knowing where they got their eyes from and whose grin they have is something every child wants to know. It’s better to be able to tell the child the story about their adoption and how many people love them, instead of treating it like a shameful act that should be forgotten. But ultimately for me, wanting a closed adoption now seemed so horribly selfish. Here was a woman who was making this huge sacrifice, giving us something we could not do for ourselves and we wanted to say “Thanks. Have a nice life” ?? Now Nathan and I are of the opinion that the more people that can love our children, the better!

We kept trying infertility treatments for another two years and in 2008 finally came to peace with what seemed to be our destiny: to adopt. We do not see it as a second choice, or a backup plan. We are excited that we get to be one of the chosen few who get to take part in the beautiful miracle that is adoption. We are no longer shy about adoption, in fact I think some of our family and friends probably think we talk too much about it. We hear stories about other families who have wonderful relationships with their birth families and hope we can be as lucky as them. We realize that one thing that makes people nervous about us is the fact that Nathan is in the military and we move often. We fear that a woman looking at us as a possible set of parents for her baby would think that with all the moves we would forget about her. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Yes, being in the military does mean we’ll move a lot. And it does take extra effort to keep in contact with those we no longer see on a day to day basis, but good thing for us we live in such a fabulous day and age. With Skype, texting, Facebook, blogging, airplanes, trains and long road trips it makes staying in contact a little easier. Plus – we’re ALWAYS up for visitors and we will get to live in some pretty awesome places (Hawaii anyone??).

As our opinions about open adoption have changed we’ve also realized that a lot of people’s haven’t. We hear concerns from others now, that mirror things that used to scare us. But we’ve found that generally a little bit of open, honest conversation helps calm concerns quite a bit. We’re doing our part to help spread the word that open adoption is fantastic, and can’t wait for the day we have an open relationship with our child’s birth family to prove it!

Hoping to Adopt - Wade and Brittney

2010-11-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

So here is how I met Wade and Brittney...

It's Friday, about 6:00 pm, at the 2010 National FSA Conference. There I am, chatting away with the ladies at my table and enjoying my stuffed pork, and I notice a girl from another table staring me down. She turned and whispered to her husband, then stared at me again. I diverted my eyes, thinking 'uhh... k.'

Then, I decide that I need to go to the bathroom. The entire trip across the conference hall she's looking at me. What the crap! Who does this girl think she is?! Well, I made it to the bathroom, and when I walk back in she's glancing at me again. By this time I'm thinking, "Okay, I know I'm looking a little rough right now, but c'mon..."

Not five minutes later, someone taps on my shoulder. I look to see who it is, and it's creeper herself. Okay, and for the record, creeper is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. She smiles at me and says, "I think we both know David and Amy?" well... uhm... okay, she wasn't creeper anymore. Turns out she recognized me from my picture in posts I'd made on Amy's wall. So I get all teary-eyed and we start talking about how they went through infertility together and were in the same stake in Logan and all that good stuff... the reason she'd been looking at me was because she 1) wasn't sure if I was who she thought I was, and 2) was trying to get up the guts to come talk to me. Which I found hilarious. Well Brittney's husband, Wade, had finally talked her into saying hi. She gave me a pass-a-long card, and we went on our way.

But, the thing that completely caught me off guard was how infectious her smile was. She was one of those people who just glows from goodness. I wanted to just hug her. For real.

Wade and Brittney have been waiting for five years for their first baby. Please keep them in mind. :-)

Wade and Brittney's Profile

Brittney is a 5th grade teacher

Wade is a Production Manager and studying graphic design

Just thinking.

2010-11-11T22:40:00.000-08:00

I'm not good at the post-a-day thing. But I'm an adoption advocate, and I've been talking about and supporting adoption every day all month. So I'm trying.

Tonight I started thinking about how I'm doing - emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I'm an emotional person. It's just part of who I've become. I cry when something tugs at my heartstrings. That's not to say I start bawling in public. I usually save my tears for when I'm in my car or alone in my room. My girls at group see me cry every week. They are good tears, though. I cry when I talk about any part of my adoption experience. I cry when I talk about Dave and Amy. I cry especially when I talk about Bo. Someone who touches your life so much is bound to have that much of an impact. I was only his mom for two days, but those two days gave me enough memories to last a lifetime.

This holiday season is going to be a little hard. I told my girls at group the other day that I don't know what I was thinking last year - putting all of my important events on or around holidays. The day after Thanksgiving, I met Dave and Amy for the first time. I told them I was placing with them on Christmas Eve. The day before New Year's Eve, they went to group and dinner with me, and met Lynn for the first (and only) time. How can I top that?! I guess every holiday from now on will just have to be a competition. I fully expect Christmas this year to be difficult. I miss Lynn. So much.

I do have some bright spots for Christmas this year. Sometime during the Christmas holiday, I'll see Dave, Amy, and Bo. I'll spend the major holidays with the Kraaima side of the family (Lynn's side). I'll get to go snowboarding this year. My mom and I will get to spend a lot of time together.

This was mostly a post about what's going through my mind. I'm nostalgic. Here's a link to the song that goes with a book I gave Bo at placement. The entire time I was in Florida, it was stuck in my head. (Other Florida stories to follow, now that I've written them in my journal).

Snuggle Puppy Song

And as a side note, I think this song is adorable.

This Ain't No Love Song

Sometimes, life is so busy...

2010-11-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

that you have to double-dip. :-) The aforementioned Miss Angie featured my story on her blog yesterday. I am so excited! Here it is, for your reading pleasure. Also, you should read around on her blog. She has a lot of good reads.
Click here for my story on Angie's blog

Happy Adoption Month!

Lovely Miss Angie

2010-11-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

I met Angie on the WWW when I was helping a friend search families for her little girl. I have been blessed to become friends with Angie, and I hope to meet her SOON! Below is her beautiful posts about the anticipation and longing of parenthood. After that is an AMAZING giveaway!

Clayton and Angie's Blog

It's a beautiful day to love adoption. <3

27 minutes (and kickoff to National Adoption Month!)

2010-11-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote this last night, but figured it would be an alright kickoff post. Happy National Adoption Month!

So right now my computer says I have 27 minutes of battery left. That means of the 1 hour and 54 minutes left of my flight to Dallas, I’m going to devote a whole 22 minutes to a blog post.

Where do I even start? This week has been more amazing than I ever dreamed it could be. Not many birthmothers get to visit their children in a tropical paradise. I am so blessed. I don’t know how I came to deserve this. I feel like I can never be grateful enough for the situation I’m in.

When I said goodbye today, I kept thinking, “How will this ever get easier?” … It never will. I don’t think it will ever get easier saying goodbye to my baby. Even when I have children of my own (that is, children I will raise), I will always consider Bo my baby. He is David and Amy’s son, but he will always be my baby.

I’ll admit, I’m a total mess right now. I’ve been (unsuccessfully) fighting tears since earlier this afternoon. Holding Bo and kissing him, telling him how much I love him (and maybe he knows and can feel it), and just staring at that perfect little boy was so bittersweet. Thankfully, I’ve learned how to recognize when to say goodbye. I hate drawing out goodbye.

So, here I am. In a few hours, I will touch down in Utah. I will run to my mom (yes, I’m 21 and I still run to my mom!), collapse in her arms, and together we’ll check the baggage claim. I’ll tell her everything I can remember on the drive back home. Tonight, I’ll sleep in my own bed. Tomorrow I will wake up, get ready for school, and start my first day of nail tech. I’ll be on the hair floor for a few hours, then I’ll go home to my house. So will be the next seven weeks. Then, sometime around Christmas, I’ll see David, Amy, and Bo again. I’m already starting a countdown.

Something I thought about as I took off, though, is this – If I barely know Bo, and I feel an incredible longing to be near him… How does my mom feel when her baby is gone? If this is anything like how my mom feels when I’m away from her, I do not thank her enough for the unconditional love she has for me.

One fun thing David and Amy told me was this – Bo only kisses them, and me. He gives this awesome sloppy, wet, full-mouth kiss that just melts my heart. Besides his parents, I’m the only one he gives those to. My heart feels like it could burst. He is truly the happiest little boy, and I am so grateful to be in his life. I am so grateful to David and Amy for allowing me to be a part of his life. I would not (emotionally, mentally, and spiritually) be where I am today if I weren’t for their trust and love for me. They trust me to be a good example to him, and to never try to undermine them as parents.

I made a promise at placement that he would always be proud of me. He will. I will never do anything that could break that trust David and Amy have in me. I know now how important families are. I know how important the timing for families is.

Amazingly, I also know that I will be a good mother. I won’t be perfect, and I won’t be extraordinary, but I know how to love. I know what it feels like to love someone so much I would do anything for their happiness. I will be a good mom… someday.

Throughout this next week, I’ll post fun little stories from my trip. For now, I’ll just post a few pictures. They say it better than I possibly could.

On our way to the airport. All smiles!

I made a fleecy owl for him - and he loves it!

David, Amy, Bo, and I. So amazing that we could all be together.

Kisses!

Giving kisses back.

She's like a sister and best friend.

Still sleeps like a stinkbug!

Sexy momma and her son at the beach!

Closing in...

2010-10-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

This weeks has been awesome! Wednesday we went on a family picnic at a park near Dave's school. Amy made delicious fish tacos. We did a lot of talking and laughing... what could be better?

Thursday, Amy and I got all crafty-crafty. We bought different colors of felt, pretty (fake) pearls, and safety pins. With the safety pins and pearls, we made bracelets that look super cute, and you cannot tell are made with safety pins. Bo almost got into the bowl of pearl-beads, and has become so mobile that we had to relocate everything to the kitchen table. I can't believe how much he's crawling! With the felt and pearls, we made hair flowers. Super-cute hair flowers. The later it got, the more Amy and I giggled like schoolgirls. Poor Savannah got to be the model and went almost all night/day with a hair flower clipped on her collar. But she sure looked pretty!

Friday (today), we went to downtown Naples. We saw some huge homes, then walked along the beach for a while. We found some fun shells, and little Bo LOVED getting his feet wet and kicking in the water with his dad! We walked to the end of the pier and watched the dolphins. I know, right??? DOLPHINS!!! So while we were walking back along the pier, an older gentleman walked up to Dave and Bo and held up a little fish to him. A shiny, live fish. He grabbed it. Giggled. Loved it. Then while Amy and I were grossed out (maybe Dave was? I dunno), the old man smiled and said "He'll be a fisherman yet!" and walked away. Very cute. Amy sanitized Bo's hands as soon as we got back to the car. After that, we walked around downtown for a little while, ate Abbott's custard, then headed home. We hollowed out a pumpkin, cut leg holes in the pumpkin, and plopped adorable Bo inside. He was he most adorable kid-in-a-pumpkin I've ever seen!

Day 2

2010-10-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, Dave and Amy are amazing. Second, I have had the best adoption conversations with them. Here are some pictures from today.

Bo wanted to help us write our book.

(He loved the clickety-clack of the keys!)

Best quote (oh, and part 1 of my trip to Florida)

2010-10-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

"Okay, and I know that Joseph and Hyrum are not little boys who run around and poop their pants... but still."
I will not say who said this, but I'm fairly certain it was a lot funnier because we are all so tired from lack of sleep.

I've been here for just over 24 hours, and it has been amazing. Amy and I spent a good part of the day just visiting. This evening we went to the beach to try to get silhouette pictures... which sort of worked, and sort of not. I'm working on editing a few right now. If they get worked out, I'll post more.

I cannot believe how big David is. I've actually gotten used to calling him Bo, so I'll just say Bo. Anyway, Bo is not a baby any more... he's a little boy! I can't believe it! He is beautiful and perfect. See for yourself!

(PS - Amy and I worked on our book today... we're very excited about this.)

Woohoo!!

2010-10-09T22:58:00.000-07:00

The only word that feels adequate right now is one I've seen floating around the blogworld recently...

SQUEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, now that THAT's off my chest...

Here is a link to a beautiful story. I blogstalked Alli for a few months prior to placement, after placement, and have since met her (at the 2010 National FSA Conference!!) and she joined me at my LDS Family Services support group meeting. This woman is amazing, and you will love her. (And I totally just finished bawling my eyes out at her story.) Read her here . Also, feel free to float around on Birthmothers4Adoption . It will be well worth your time (and tears!!).

taking a page... music

2010-10-05T22:36:00.000-07:00

I get my best ideas from other bloggers. So, as per usual, I took a page out of mrs. r's book. Read her most recent post, it will make you cry (in the best way).

I drive... a lot. I'm a delivery driver. Not ashamed to admit it, because I do very well on tips and it works GREAT with my school schedule. Besides, how many people can rock a "Pie" t-shirt and baseball cap like I can? Ha.

I spent a lot of time in the car when I was pregnant, singing and talking to the tiny life inside me. I made up songs, I sang lullabies my mother sang to me, and I made promises... and thus far, I've kept every promise I made to that beautiful little boy. (Even the goofy ones... like promising a life of sunshine. Funny how things work out... Florida is the "sunshine" state!)

Music is my world. I don't remember a time when music wasn't part of my life. My amazing mother would have music playing in the house when I was younger, and encouraged me to join music programs at school. Little did I know, music would become not only my passion, but also my physician, psychiatrist, diary, best friend, sweet escape, and, sometimes, a painful reminder.

When I first met Dave and Amy (the day after Thanksgiving, 2009), they gave me a little gift. The assured their families and caseworkers (haha!) that it wasn't bribing. Luckily, I was still oblivious to adoption scammers and bribery. (I love you, Amy!) I clutched that "Celtic Woman - A New Journey" CD to my chest as we drove away from Chili's that night. I could only think, 'How did she know? How could they possibly know?'... I have a secret passion for Celtic Woman, and I had somehow gone years without actually owning a Celtic Woman CD. That night, and almost every night until just before delivery (I believe it was when Lynn went into the hospital), I fell asleep listening to that CD. It soothed my troubled heart. It brought back memories of happy times. Somehow, that little act (along with my strong confirmation, to be talked about later. Maybe.) helped me know that Dave and Amy were the ones. How seemingly insignificant that act may have seemed to anyone on the outside... but it was perfect.

After placement, I couldn't listen to "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours" without crossing my arms across my body to hold myself together and try to control the grief that would rock through me. But I forced myself to listen to it. I forced myself to listen to "Blessed" by Elton John (the song I've personally dedicated to my sweet David), "Goodnight, My Angel" by Billy Joel (though I like the 'Celtic Woman' arrangement better), and "Hardest For Me" by Michael McLean. These songs, along with many others, helped me before placement... surely I could still find peace in them, if only I wasn't so afraid of reliving all of my emotion. Slowly, but surely, I began to love the simple music I had so greatly relied on before. I found more songs that I tied to adoption, to motherhood, to grief and loss, and I made them my own. I have a soundtrack to my life constantly playing in my mind. In the past few months, my own lyrics and music have interwoven themselves into this constant playlist. I'll start singing "my" song, the song that describes my own heart, while I drive at work. While I drive to school. I even caught myself singing while I was working on one of my mannequins at school... oops. Slowly, music is helping my heart mend. It is giving sound and life, rhythm and feeling, depth and passion to the musings of my soul.

I wrote a journal entry not too long after placement about how nervous I am for the future and wondering if I'll ever find a man who will understand that David is very much a part of my life, and will hold a piece of my heart forever... and will be willing to share that piece. So, with the *hope* that those who read my blog aren't the stealing types, I want to share a small (and very, very simple) sample of lyrics (since I can't find a way to record the music I hear in my mind) I've written to embody my feeling.

(these are not complete lyrics, just bits and pieces... I feel the need to share them right now)

I've felt true love before
I know deep sorrow, too
when I looked into his dark brown eyes
I saw perfection, pure and true
So as I share my story
Please know I'll sometimes cry
When I think about the joy he brought
And the pain that was 'goodbye'

He's two years old
He has my eyes
He's his momma's gift from heaven
He's his daddy's "little guy"
I let him go so he could live
the type of life I couldn't give
back then
and I pray that you will love the part of me
that still belongs to him

I invite you to view the two videos I made. (Links are posted on the left column, or HERE and HERE) One, I made while waiting for Dave and Amy to open their very special Christmas Present last year. The other, I made a few weeks after placement. I think another is long overdue... but I haven't felt in the right spirit to make it yet. I feel that I'm waiting for something. Whether it be a big event or some form of closure, I'm not sure.

do you see it?

2010-09-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

I sure do. :-)

David Allen Harmon III, 7 months

Sterling Bo Winn, 1.5 years (ish)

picture!!

2010-09-26T00:37:00.000-07:00

Okay, I lied, I have to post one of my own. Dave and Amy sent pictures tonight. I had to share a couple. HE'S SO STINKIN' ADORABLE!!!

*hearts* and he has curly hair...!!!

posts to read

2010-09-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

This week is going to be hectic and crazy, so instead of posting my own stuff, I'm going to post links to blog posts that I like, or that hit me hard.

Like this one from Andee. *hearts*
I hope and pray that I will be grateful for every little thing in my future. I'm grateful for adoption, and that it has given David the life he deserves, and has given me a second chance while still knowing my little boy is where he is supposed to be. I want to be grateful for icky pregnancy stuff. What's vomiting for 9 months, when you have a beautiful, perfect little spirit in your arms? (Although, I wasn't sick when I was pregnant with David, so I'm sort of banking on not being the sick-pregnant type...)

this is what I do with my Wednesday afternoons...

2010-09-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

Every Wednesday, since June 24, 2009, I have attended an expectant mother support group meeting at LDS Family Services in Layton. It's like an AA meeting for girls who're knocked up. ;-) (And you think I'm kidding...)

I have only missed five weeks since then - two weeks because I was completely convinced that I didn't need support, one week because I had my baby, one week because I thought I was too far past placement to be going anymore, and one week because I opted to go see my Paigey in the hospital instead. Yup, I can count them on one hand. That means that I have been to 61 support meetings. I would make a heck of a recovering alcoholic!

Honestly, there is something to be said for the support I found there. Each and every one of the girls who has come to more than one meeting (and even a few who have only come to one) has left an imprint on my heart. Valerie, who never looked like anything less than a model during her entire pregnancy, and has the amazing story of placing with her brother. Meghan, who is a fellow blogger, my inspiration for looking at families on the It's About Love! website and was my first impression of a strong birthmom in an open adoption. Paige, who has been a huge source of strength and support to me, and kept me laughing through my entire pregnancy. Audrey, one of my best friends, who is parenting and an amazingly strong woman who let me cry on her shoulder and let me hold her son when I was missing mine terribly. Chelsea, who epitomized "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong... but will still be perfect", and has been a huge support in helping me stay strong in the gospel. Darcie, who had her little girl ten days before me and dealt with more heartache during her pregnancy than most will ever have to know, and still came out on top. Katie, my sister from another mister, whose story makes me laugh, cry, and believe that the Lord's hand is at work in adoption. Erin, who has overcome incredible adversity to make a life for her daughter, and has taught me that it's possible to love myself. Jaynie, who found strength that runs deeper than any I've ever known and made a choice with a matter of days left, when the rest of us had months. Kelsey, whose sisters have been on the parenting and placing sides of adoption, who got herself out of an unhealthy relationship and living situation for the sake of her son. Jen, who lives her life in such a way that her son will be proud of her, and talks about the happy side of placement, a year and a half later, but doesn't sugar-coat that it will still hurt sometimes.

Each of these girls has made an impact on my life. There are so many more, and I plan on adding them to the list. Because of the strength these girls have given me, I've decided to pass that strength along, or at least as much as I can.

From group today,

"Mold what your life is like now"

I carry my heart on my sleeve, my life is a ladder and I'm progressing upward, but I know I haven't made it very far. I can see with an eternal perspective, but it still seems so far away most of the time.

"Mold what you want for your future, and what will contribute to that."

I want to keep progressing (ladder). Keep an eternal perspective (infinity symbol). Change the world (blue ball to world). Have a family (couple with baby). Remember that I'm important, too ("me"). Remember that this whole plan, this whole life, is much bigger than I am (moon and star).

The first thing we were asked to mold was how we felt when we initially found out we were pregnant. I shaped a moon and two stars. I remember being up in Evanston one night, not long after finding out I was pregnant, and looking up into the night sky. The stars are beautiful up there, and I remember feeling so incredibly small and insignificant. The thought ran through my mind of, "I don't matter in all of this. I have no place. I'm alone."

Oh, but if I had only known then! I was not alone. Not once. The Lord had a hand in it the entire time. Sometimes I pushed Him away, only to fall to my knees begging for help, begging for an answer. My mom was there to give me the love that only a mother feels (and I didn't understand until I became one for a very brief time). Lynn was there to hold me when I cried, agree with me or make me see reason when I ranted, and give me those special father's blessings at 2... 3... 4 in the morning. My ward rallied around me. My bishop has been the most compassionate, understanding, and supportive man I've ever known. My family loved me through the thick and thin of it all. Dave and Amy started out as email buddies, giving me an idea of what adoptive couples were like... then became two of my favorite people in the world, and the most important people (besides David!) in all of this.

And my girls... oh my girls. All of you have brought me to where I am. I'm not sure how many of you read this, but I want you to know how much I love you. You have saved me. The strength I found, I found in you.

you are NEVER alone

2010-09-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

I told someone tonight via Stalkerbook chat (Facebook) the reasons that I keep my blog open to the world, and why I put everything out there.

It's because I wish I had known, a year ago, that I was not alone. The feelings I had, the thoughts that ran through my mind, and the absolute desperation... are all so normal.

I don't keep this blog for praise. For pity. For tears. For attention. I keep it here, for all of you, so that you know that you are NEVER alone. Whoever you are, wherever you are... we love you. (We being birthmothers).

Be strong. Seek others out. There is nothing more valuable in such a difficult trial than a support group that will rally around you.

As my blogging sista, Desha, says, 'adoption luvs'!

Breath Of Heaven - Amy Grant

2010-09-13T00:07:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer* I am, in no way, comparing myself to Mary. I do not believe my out-of-wedlock pregnancy was in any way sanctioned of God. I only know that He helped me through once I *finally* swallowed my pride and begged for forgiveness and help.

I post this video because not only do I bawl every time I hear it, I believe it is the closest to the silent prayers uttered in those dark, lonesome, moments every birthmother feels.

For me, it was the second night in the hospital.

"Breath of Heaven, hold me together. Be forever near me, breath of Heaven. Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness. Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy."

"Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? But I offer all I am... for the mercy of your plan. Help me be strong. Help me be... help me..." (i remember this plea all too well...)

Oh, how the Lord held me together. The night before placement, I truly thought the emotional grief would kill me.

Today marks an important date. One year ago, I wrote the following in my journal.

September 13, 2009 - "I'm afraid to say it out loud, because that makes it real. I can write whatever I want to, because I can either rip up this paper later or burn it or whatever. So here it is. I know that this baby is not mine. Whether or not Ben wants me anymore. I give up on that. I can't keep hoping for something that I already know isn't going to happen. I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl, but I know one thing. It's the only thing I've known for myself since this whole thing began. Call it too much adoption propaganda, but I can't stop thinking this. I need to find this baby's family. This time I'm not good enough by myself."

One year ago today, I accepted (though I only admitted it in my journal until a month later) that I was not going to raise the sweet angel I had been sent. I think that may have been the first night I actually prayed for comfort and help and forgiveness, instead of begging the Lord to make Ben marry me. Or somewhere around there. I wish I had journaled about that.

"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear. In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. Be with me now..."

i was hoping i would (never) see you again...

2010-09-08T22:01:00.000-07:00

Last night was one of those nights.
Heart-wrenching, painful. Like a huge, angry wave crashing down around me.
I closed my eyes and started counting, and praying. Begging for release.
I was holding little David's blanket tightly to my chest. I felt so incredibly fragile.
The sobbing I had held in for so long finally made its way out. I hate the sound I make when I cry that hard.
For the first time in quite a while... my arms felt so incredibly empty. With nothing to cradle and protect... except my own breaking heart.
And, just as it's been for the past 7 months... Lynn wasn't here to hold me and give me a blessing.

I had fallen asleep hours earlier, no problem. When I dreamed, that's where it began. I was back in the hospital, holding my sweet little David in my arms, nursing him. I was singing to him, and he looked at me with those beautiful dark eyes. I bent to kiss his cheek, and I started falling. I reached out to hold him, to keep him from falling, too, but he wasn't going down with me. Hands were holding him. Hands I didn't recognize. I cried out, I screamed, I didn't know where he was going. I couldn't make a sound, though. And I woke up, panicked. I had my arms wrapped around my body pillow, one hand clutching little David's blanket. The outfit of his that I kept wasn't in the blanket, and in my panic I started crying and reaching under all of my blankets to find it. When I did, I took great care to wrap them up together, and I clutched them to my chest, burrowing myself into my pillows and crying.
Why now? Why so long without feeling this? Why do I feel so forsaken suddenly? He's happy, he's loved, he's warm, he's with his parents, why am I hurting so much?

... because even though he's happy, I'm still going to grieve. It's not fair, it will never be fair. This isn't balanced. The joy does not equal the sorrow. They're not even on the same scales. They coexist, but they do not "fix" each other.
I do not wish him back in my arms. The choice I made was the right one for David. When it feels good, I'm on top of the world. But when it hurts... oh. Words cannot describe.

All day, I've been having hospital flashbacks. Mostly warm memories, like him being placed in my arms for the first time. At moments, I've felt like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. I keep going with the knowledge that I will sleep tonight, hopefully with happy dreams or sleep uninterrupted, and wake tomorrow to a new day. A new beginning. I have survived thus far. I will survive, but oh. To never feel empty like this again, to never feel like a part of me is missing. I'm not his mommy any longer... he may not have that bond with me anymore, but that doesn't mean that I won't continue to ache for him for the rest of my life. I don't want him to ache for me, though. I don't want him to miss me, or feel like part of him is missing. I never want him to hurt.

Oh emptiness. I was hoping I would (never) see you again.

just moments after birth. My heart was so full, and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

just moments after he was sealed to Dave and Amy. My heart was so full, and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

tizzy

2010-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

I used the word "tizzy" in another post, on another blog. (Yes, I have a few. But this is my favorite. Much dearer to my heart).

I looked up the definition (to make sure I was using the word correctly). Here is what good ol' Webster had to say -

tizzy [noun] a highly excited and distracted state of mind

and then dictionary.com -
tizzy [noun] (slang) a nervous, excited, or distracted state. dither.

Have I ever been in a tizzy?

*giggle* yes! This is a PERFECT word to describe a very common state of mind.
This is not to say that I'm always distracted or air-headed... but I get nervous and excited easily.

I was in a tizzy today - thinking all afternoon about the last week of October.
During the last two weeks of October, I will be doing my esthetics models (waxing, facials, etc.). I will be doing 4 models, one per day, and I can pick any 4 of those 8 days.
During the last week of October, or the 29th to be precise, there is no school.
I can only miss up to 5 days of school per term. (15 lecture hours)
So... guess what I'm going to be doing that last week of October? (and only missing *4* days of school?)

I'M GOING TO FLORIDA!!!
*hearts*

{David and Amy} are WAY too good to me...
So I'm in a tizzy. :-)

Yes, I DID, in fact, photoshop the three of them onto the official vacation advertisement for the State of Florida. :-) (Not a very good job, but I found it highly entertaining).

i am a birthmother.

2010-08-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

Today has been interesting, to say the least. First, I got a nasty comment on one of my posts concerning placement. I won't post the whole comment here, but one part that stuck with me was, "you are insulting all women who lost children to adoption. how can you use the word birthmother so kindly? it is a gruesome, cruel term. you should be ashamed of what you did to your child."....

hm. O... K... (What do I say to that??)

So anyway, in case Dave and Amy saw it, I texted Amy and let her know that I LOVE the term birthmother (please call me a birthmother, it makes me feel stronger than I really am), and I do not feel that she is less than me at all. So then, as this was going on, I received a not on Facebook from a wonderful bloggess asking all involved in the adoption triad to comment on *THIS POST* . Well, if that wasn't just another thing to set all of this off! So of course, I commented. (I tried to be as nice as possible... because I really do understand that people have different experiences and preferences).

I guess, in light of these two things, I need to address the reason that I chose to place my little angel. There are the obvious reasons, like financial stability, he needs a mom AND a dad, I'm too young (which, really, I'm not... let's be honest). But those were not the KEY reasons to place.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a Mormon. In the LDS faith, there is a very strong emphasis on family. We believe in the family unit being eternal. It does not end at death. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World", it states that "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." Then, further on, it states that, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." (Read the whole thing if you're curious)

One of those sacred covenants I could not offer my little David was being sealed to me. Of course, if I had parented, I could have been married later and David could have been sealed to me and my husband then. But what of Ben? (David's birthfather). How could I ask him to give up his right/desire to be sealed to his son? Would I ever give that up? ... how could I deny my son an eternal family, because of my foolish mistakes?

Meeting with my bishop, I was counseled to consider marriage. That fell through, so I was counseled to make a decision based on my baby, and to seek inspiration from the Lord. It is extremely difficult to swallow my pride, and ask for someone else's help... especially from God. But, I believe in a forgiving and loving God. He wouldn't ignore my request for help in knowing what to do for my baby. He loves David as much as any of His other children. He wanted what was best for David, too.

When I met Dave and Amy, I received my answer. They are David's eternal family. His spirit was supposed to be with them, one way or another. I was blessed to give birth to him, and to be an instrument in God's hands. I was given, "beauty for ashes... the oil of joy for mourning" (Isaiah 61: 1-3). Although I did not always follow God's commandments previously, I knew that if I was going to do the right thing for my baby, I had to trust in Him.

I did not place my baby because I couldn't afford to raise a child. I did not place my baby because his birthfather was dangerous. I did not place my baby because I didn't want to be a mother. I placed my baby because I could not give him the things that *I personally* knew he had to have. I couldn't bear the thought of dual-custody, or of him being raised by his Grandma until "mom finished college and got a good job". He needed a mom and a dad who will give him a good example of marriage. I want him to be raised to treat women well, and to believe in the sanctity of marriage. He has that now. He has everything. He has an eternal family. That is not cruel, not to him, and not to his family. I did not lose him to adoption... That is not how I see things. I know everyone is different, but this is MY life. MY blog. MY experiences.

And, so, I am a birthmother. Amy is his mother, his mommy. She is not his "second" mom, his unnatural mom, his a-mom, or his nonbirthmom. Never will I let ANYONE convince me otherwise. Birthmother is empowering to me. It helps me find the strength I need to continue each day. I am not ashamed of what I did FOR David. Birthmother is not a shameful word in my world.

Birth is the science. Mother is the emotion. Birthmother is... love.

adoption triad, supporters, and others unite - for Paigey

2010-08-24T22:46:00.001-07:00

*Update* (12:30 am)
It's not as bad as they initially thought, and Paige's thumb (which they believed was shattered) will be able to heal. Her leg and arm will be fine, and incredibly there is no brain damage. It will be a long recovery, but as of right now it's not believed there is any internal damage.

*how it happened* they were traveling 85 mph in Provo Canyon, and as they were passing a car, the bike hit head-on into another car. The driver of the motorcycle hit the windshield, and Paige hit the cement barrier. Please pray for her friend (and his family) too, as he was flown to the U of U.

I think I may be the only person who calls her Paigey and not Paiger.

Paige is one of those girls that you meet, fall in love with instantly, and will never forget.

She is, also, a birthmom. (which makes her even more incredible).

August 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm, Paige was involved in a very serious motorcycle accident in/near Provo canyon. She was on the back of the motorcycle, neither of them were wearing helmets. Her left arm and leg were broken, and she has been in surgery all evening. I'm still waiting for updates (from her daughter's parents, who are some of my favorite people EVER) but will post as I know more.

Paige placed her beautiful daughter, Andi, with her forever family in October 2009. I met her three months prior to that, and she quickly became my best friend and an incredible strength for me. After pushing through one of the most difficult single-and-pregnant situations I've ever seen, she came out on top. With only weeks left until she was due, she drew all the strength she had and decided to give her little girl a family - with a mom and a dad. When she met Andi's parents, there seemed to be a new glow about her. Even though she ached and mourned, never once did she utter an unkind word. She loves her little girl so much, and has been striving to live a life her little girl can be proud of. She sacrificed her whole heart to give her little girl the world - including pulling herself out of an unhealthy and dangerous relationship. After her placement, she continued to be a support to the rest of us girls in our group. She cried with us, laughed with us, and helped prepare me for placement and post-placement - including taking me out to dinner and a movie a few days after I placed, and sitting with me for hours to talk about what to expect at the blessing and sealing. Paige is one of the most beautiful girls I've ever met, and she is so loved.

Paige with Andi when she was sealed to Kim and Shane. Such a beautiful day!

I know she can pull through this. She's strong, young, and healthy. Please pray for her, and for her family. The power of prayer is incredible, and it can produce miracles.

hold your breath, and make a wish

2010-08-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

First, let me start off by saying that I hate humidity. The thing I got the most angry over while I was in Florida? My hair. (Pathetic, I know...)

My mom and I got lost on our way to the hotel, so by the time we made it there it was two hours later than we had intended to arrive. Sweet Dave met my mom and me in the hotel lobby, and walked us to our room (just down the hall from theirs, cha-ching!) then apologized for little David and Amy being asleep. :-) as it was almost 3 am, I really understood.

THE BIG MOMENT

Wednesday morning, after three hours of sleep, my eyes flew open and stared at my phone, vibrating and flashing next to me with the wake-up message of "Meet Your Baby!". In one short hour, my mom and I were going to meet Dave, Amy, and my dear little David for breakfast. I was a nervous wreck.

Dave met me in the hall and ushered me in to their hotel room, and suddenly there he was!
My Angel.
The moment was everything I had hoped for and more. I felt like I was spinning, I watched Amy pick up little David (oh, how he has grown!), and immediately handed him to me. As awkward as it felt to have a small child in my arms, it also felt so incredibly good!!! Like a little piece of me was missing until that moment. He looked at me with his huge brown eyes and grinned, squealed, and stole away my heart again. My heart melted, and the months of aching vanished in an instant.
He is such a happy, loved, and beautiful little boy.

Dave and Amy invited me to the court finalization. Though it was not intended as a spiritual experience, it was a very sacred event. Tears were shed, and I felt very blessed to be there with them. Their attorney told them that not only had she never seen family there to support an adoption finalization, they had never had a birthmother present for finalization.
{I felt quite special}

We (and by we I mean Amy) put together a luncheon for the families. We gathered at the LDS church house located across the street from the Orlando temple. After Dave, Amy, and sweet David left early for the temple, I sang with Dave's younger brother, Keith, and a family friend named James. Soon, Julie (Amy's mom) joined in and held her arm around me as hymns about families and the atonement made me tear up.

Oh... and how can I forget how their families treated us! I wasn't "just the birthmom".
I was special, and cried together with their mothers. I feel very close to these wonderful, amazing women who are (legally and spiritually) the grandmothers of my son. And they welcomed me and my mom into their families with open arms. Even though I haven't always lived a good life, Dave and Amy (and their families) see me for who I am right now. I'm so grateful.

I was the only adult who did not go inside the temple... which felt odd, but okay at the same time. I got to hang out with Dave's youngest two brothers, Cameron and Jared. They are very cute boys, and it was fun to watch them get frustrated with having to whisper in the temple (which is why we ended up outside on the grass).

After a very short time, Dave and Amy's families found me in the waiting room again. I knew it was over, I knew it had been done. A twinge of jealousy bit at me, but then...

Dave, Amy, and David walked out of the temple. They were all wearing their temple whites, and I could see the joy on their faces. They are now eternal. They hugged me, and in my mind I kept thinking, "this is why. This is why!" The beauty of those first moments as an eternal family will be burned into my heart forever.

Over the next couple of days, we went to SeaWorld (so fun!!!), spent hours playing card games with Dave's family, and I even got a few hours alone with Dave and Amy. We talked about everything, and I couldn't believe how much love I felt for them. I thought I loved them when I placed with them... but oh, had I only known I could care about people so much!

And the crazy thing is... they love me, too. They want to have a close relationship with me. They want their son (I've known he is theirs for almost a year now...) to know who I am, and be able to ask me questions.

Our last day together, Sunday, was David's blessing. His father blessed him, and I'm almost certain there was not a dry eye in the congregation. He blessed him with health... with happiness... with joy... with siblings (Amy was thrilled with the plural)... with the desire to serve missions... and (what I thought was so amazing) a desire to do genealogy.What a sweet and wonderful blessing!

During our last few hours together, we took hundreds of pictures. We laughed, cried, and talked about seeing each other again. I kissed on sweet little David, held him, and cherished every moment with him. My heart felt like it would burst every time he smiled up at me, or grabbed onto my hair and tried to eat it. Although I knew the void in my heart would be present again very soon, it was so good to feel it healed over for a time. I felt so light, and so free. Anyone who says a birthmother doesn't love her child enough has no idea what it's like. The only reason he is where he is supposed to be, and why he is so happy, is because I loved him enough to seek the Lord's will. And now, he has double the love.

I couldn't believe how perfect the week was. Did my heart ache? Yes. So very much. As I got to know little David's sweet personality, I thought to myself, "I could have had this." Did I close my eyes a few times and wish I could go back and make another decision? Yes. Would I take him away from Dave and Amy? Never. I will always ache for him... I will always miss his sweet little presence. But then, I see this -->

and I think "I will have this."

My life is blessed. I still cry almost every night. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. My whole situation has not been perfect... but it is now perfect in its imperfection.

Thank you, Paige W., Chelsea K., and Meghan R. for helping me prepare emotionally for this trip. You are my angels!

Dave and Amy - you are the most amazing parents I've ever met. Thank you doesn't seem adequate for the blessing you've been in my life.

First the pictures

2010-08-16T21:57:00.000-07:00

I get a little teary-eyed every time I think about blogging. So first, I'll share the pictures. Then I'll tell about my week. As you'll be able to tell, it was the most incredible week of my life. I am so incredibly blessed to have the relationship with Dave and Amy that I do. I will be eternally grateful to them for inviting me to participate in their most special moments.

leavin' on a jetplane...

2010-08-12T05:44:00.000-07:00

After about 3 wrong exits on our way to the airport (you know, the airport we’ve been to hundreds of times.. love you mom!) we made it to our gate.

When we checked in, and asked at the gate if there was any way we could sit together (we being my mom and me). 30 minutes later, we were called to the gate and got seats together. Score!

I stood in line… walked onto the plane… sat down… pushed my computer bag under the chair in front of me… sent my last few texts… then it hit me.

I’m on my way.

WOW!

Where did the time go?

Four hours… this will be the longest four hours of my life.

Yes, it IS the longest four hours. It’s been just over three, and I’m about to uhm… I don’t know. Laugh? Cry? I’m feeling claustrophobic. I need to jump up and scream.

On the moving-map, there are eight inches between Salt Lake City, Utah and Orlando, Florida. Our little airplane moves across the screen at the pace of about two inches per hour. As it moves, the line connecting the two cities turns from green to yellow.

Every bit of yellow makes me think too much. I’m so close, yet it feels like I’m soooooo far away!

Inch one – finish my scheduled blog post… stare out the window at the last bit of the Rocky Mountains… browse through the satellite television stations… take pictures of me and my mom.

Will he like me? Will he let me hold him? Will Dave and Amy still like me when I’m not carrying their baby? Will my hair be out of control in the humidity? Am I really okay with all of this?
(Don’t worry, Dave and Amy… I know these are silly thoughts.  )

Inch two – sip my ginger-ale… munch on my complimentary cookies… snack on my fruit and cheese plate (that ~~I paid an~~ my mom paid an outlandish amount for)… think about writing another blog post… start watching “America’s Got Talent”.

I probably shouldn’t have cut my hair. What am I going to do with my down time? Am I going to be a basket case on my trip back? What if I smell funny? Oh crap, I’m probably going to be in a swimsuit. …Will he remember me? (Of course he won’t, I know this.)

Inch three – Watch out the window while Memphis, Tennessee and Birmingham, Alabama pass below the plane… make a bathroom trip with my mom… eat another cookie… watch the most amazing ten-year-old on “America’s Got Talent”… Start worrying about getting Dave and Amy’s gift finished in time.

Just breathe… he’s a happy baby… he has everything in the world he could possibly need. He’s not the same infant I remember. Of course Dave and Amy still like me, they invited me down to Florida and offered to pay! Six days is plenty of time for little David to warm up to me. I can’t wait to get off this plane and pee…

Inch Four – Begin our descent into Orlando. Clean up the trash around me. Start blogging again. Remind myself that the gospel is not just about temporal happiness, it is about eternal happiness. I’m on the right road.

This ache is nothing compared to what it was in February. I’m on the right road. I’m so blessed to be able to go be with Dave and Amy and David! I have a good life, I have angels watching over me, and I am flying in to Orlando to witness a very special, sacred, and exciting week!

Right now, we are about ten minutes away from landing. I’m watching “The Nanny”, and I’m so excited I could burst. (And actually, my ears feel like they’re about to – OUCH!)

This will be one of the best weeks of my life. I will be near some of the most important people in my life. I will be able to see a family become eternal – ETERNAL! It’s mind-blowing. And I’m so incredibly blessed to have my mom with me, and that she will be in the temple to see Dave and Amy sealed to little David.

I can’t wipe this grin off my face. (At least, I’m seeing it in my mind. I’m probably staring at my screen and trying really hard to read what I’m typing…)

“ Be Still “ (and thank you so much to Janice for giving me a bona fide ‘r house couture’ necklace with my mantra stamped on it!)

the other side of sorrow

2010-08-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if people not involved in the adoption triad will ever understand/believe that it's not all ache and pain and grieving. There is another side of sorrow.

Joyful, loving, grateful... a few simple words to describe the heart of a birthmother. Amidst the sorrow that is felt in placing a tiny, perfect little baby into the arms of another family, there is also so much joy. Joy that that baby will have a perfect family. Joy that he or she will be in a two-parent home, will not live financially strained, and will not ever wonder if he or she was loved. The intense love one feels for their child can only be felt by another parent. How blessed my little David is, because he has his birthmother's love (which really feels like it will burst out of my chest), his birthfather's love, and the love of his wonderful mom and dad. Most also agree that besides the love a birthmother has for a child, there is also an incredible amount of love felt toward the family of her child. The parents are not chosen as a "last resort" or out of desperation. They are carefully considered, prayed about, and so deeply trusted. Birthmothers are so incredibly grateful to the families they choose, because without them there would not be the peace that comes with placing.

I went to see "Jane" today. Again, because of privacy issues, I will not divulge too much information. Seeing her and spending time with her and her little one helped heal my heart today. I don't know that I've ever felt more love in a room than when I visit my beautiful girls. I didn't intend to drop in on Jane, but she invited me so I jumped at the chance. I wrapped her sweet little boy in the softest blanket ever, I burped him, and held him in my arms. I watched as Jane mothered him, loved on him, and whispered to him. The decision to place is not an easy one, but spending time with a child before placement helps realize that it is the right thing to do. Jane and I have something very special in common - she is breastfeeding her little boy while she is in the hospital. She will experience that incredible bond that is unlike any other. Although many say it is "unnecessary" or "pointless", I believe that it helped me know that placing was the right thing to do. I could provide for him in only the most basic of ways, and only while I was in the hospital. How would I breastfeed after I was out of the hospital? When I went back to work? I loved him so much at the end of those two days, that I couldn't bear to NOT give him the world. My heart completely belonged to him. Jane and I have talked, and she feels the same. She knows he will be loved and given an incredible home... but she wants to give him everything she possibly can right now.

I leave for Florida on Tuesday. Fear is mixed with excitement. Apprehension is mixed with joy. I've been anticipating mixed emotions for weeks now, and I think I will be alright. Feel free to send me messages of encouragement!

me with "Jane's" little boy

{will he ever know what a blessing he is? for "Jane"? for his parents?}

While I am gone, I have a scheduled post to go up about the adoption conference.

Ashlie

2010-07-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Ashlie, my give-away winner! Not only is she a blogger, she has some SUPER CUTE blog backgrounds/blinkies/etc. that are perfect for the chic blogger! See her stuff {here}.

(Ashlie, you'll be getting your tutu bow holder soon! It's funny because we actually only live about two miles apart...)

I have a story to tell, but I'm not using names for privacy/legal issues that could arise.

I'm active in my unwed mothers pregnancy support group at Layton LDS Family Services. I have met some of my best friends there, and I have learned so much about myself because of this group. Each girl has affected my life in different ways. We've supported each other, cried to each other, laughed with each other, and mourned with each other. We share pictures of our babies, share our sorrows, ask for advice, and grow as we watch each other make difficult decisions.

I met a beautiful girl who we'll nickname Jane. Jane is a beautiful girl, with a career and stability. When she found out she was pregnant, she and her boyfriend decided they would get married after their baby was born. She began making plans, and did all of the things expecting mothers do - she bought oodles of supplies, put together a baby room, took great care of herself, and through it all continued to come to group. It's always nice to have the mix of parenting mothers and placing mothers.

Jane first started coming to group when I was 38 weeks pregnant. She saw me right at the very end, but we honestly weren't close at all. The girls I'd become close with had all stopped coming to group by that time, and I hadn't connected with the new girls yet. I delivered, placed, then resumed going to group. Over the next few months, I saw Jane grow (metaphorically and literally) and I could sense the incredible love for her son. I knew she would make a great mother, and I was excited about her happy ending to a difficult situation.

At 37 1/2 weeks, Jane and her fiance ended things. He became a bully, pressuring her to let his parents adopt the baby, then threatening to "sue" her for custody... all of those icky things we hear about happening with birthfathers (which, unfortunately, has given birthfathers a bad reputation... and it makes me sad). Less than two weeks until her due date, Jane has made the incredible decision to place her little boy. Her strength and courage leave me in awe. After planning to parent, and envisioning a child in her arms, she listened to the spirit and is giving her little boy even more. Although I haven't used her real name, please pray for her. Please pray that she will continue to have incredible strength, and to remember her incredible love for her son.

"Birthmother" is no longer just a word. It has so much meaning to me now. I hear it, and I think about these wonderful girls and women I've met, who've helped me through my difficult times. They have lifted me up when I needed it, and now I hope and pray that I can do the same for them. I hope they all know how very loved they are.

(PS - I'm totally going to the National FSA Conference tomorrow. Are you?)

Give-away!!! (Finally!)

2010-07-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen (you know, the two gentlemen who have secretly read my blog but will never fess up to it), the time has arrived. I finally have 25 followers, so here's a give-away!

I like being crafty. It doesn't consume my life, but I do really like it. A few months ago, I really got into this -->

If you can't tell what it is, it's a tutu bowholder. Still confused? It hangs on the wall, and the cute little ribbons hanging from the waist hold little girls' hairbows! I know, adorable, right?? (oh, and the ribbon around the bodice holds little clips!)

I wanted to do this for my give-away... but I also realize that some of you are either, A) parents of boys, or B) aren't raising children (yet), OR C) will soon have a boy AND a girl! (I love you, Holly!)

So the give-away options are as follows:

A) Girls Tutu Bowholder (Custom colors)

B) Boy's Animal Lovey (Custom color/animal, I can make it for a girl, too.) (sans embroidery, I'm not THAT good yet!)

C) A custom etched-glass cube. (Makes a great nightlight, ask me how!)
(with your name/custom etched onto it, also in 6x12)

Want to know how to enter? Well, dear friends, here's what you must do. (Each entry is separate, so you'll leave MULTIPLE comments!)

Leave a comment telling me why you are following my blog, and a contact e-mail. (You must be a registered follower, so click the little button up-top that says "follow")

Blog about me/my blog (leave a comment with your blog address, and an e-mail to contact you)
Tell me why you love adoption (leave an e-mail to contact you)
Friend me on Facebook (if you add me in the next 24 hours, I'll verify first... leave an e-mail to contact you)

I'll leave this open for a few days, and use random.org to choose a winner.

Also, if you are in one of those boy AND girl situations, we can definitely work something out. :-)

Quick post before work!

2010-07-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

Two things, first of all my adoption crush (who doesn't even know I exist) and her husband are looking to adopt again! http://www.joshuaandlindsey.blogspot.com is their link. Also see http://therhouse.blogspot.com for more about Lindsey's life. They have two adorable little boys, and very loving relationships with their sons' birthmothers. Everything Lindsey writes is amazing, and someday I hope I can meet her. (Maybe she'll be at the National FSA Conference? I'm pretty sure I'll pee my pants if I see her).

Aaaaaaand - duhn duhnta duhn!!!

I'm going to Florida!!!
Here's what happened - my cumulative course exam was scheduled for August 11, 2010. That is the ONE exam I can neither take early, nor make up. I must be there, no questions asked, unless my head gets lobbed off by machete. In which case, I'll need to consult with student services about re-taking the course in the fall.

Me: Kim, is there any possible way I can take the cumulative exam early? It's for something really, really important.
Kim: We can't let anyone take it early or retake it. It has to be the day of. If it's a doctor's appointment, you can take it in the afternoon instead of morning block.
Me: Actually I'm wanting to be in Florida that whole day... til Sunday.
Kim: Vacation isn't a good excuse, sorry sister.
Me: It's not a vacation, not really. My little boy's adoption is being finalized and I really, really want to be there because they're getting sealed pretty soon after, then blessing him that Sunday.
Kim: You had a baby?
Me: Yeah, in February.
Kim: Wow, you look good! *{I love this reaction!!!}*
Me: Thanks... so no chance, though?
Kim: Well, That would make you absent for a full week.
Me: No, just Wednesday. Thursday and Friday there's no school.
Kim: The 11th? We switched the cumulative exam to the 16th.
Me: Seriously!?
Kim: Yeah, the new schedule is on the board. Angela will be out of town.
Me: *some sort of squealing noise*
Kim: I take it you're going?
Me: Yes! *squeal*
Kim: That's awesome. My sister keeps hoping her son's birthmother will get back in contact with them. Do you have a good relationship with your son's parents?
Me: The best! Your sister adopted?
...... on and on and on, the other instructors started talking about friends they knew, how awesome they thought it was that I was going to be there for finalization, blah blah blah...

I'm going to be there! I get my closure! Thank you, Angela, for being out of town on the 11th. Thank you, DATC, for deciding to close down the school on the 12th and 13th. My life rocks!!!

be still... again

2010-07-14T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dave and Amy got the news they've been waiting for! The court date is set for August 11, 9:00 am, in Orlando, Florida.

This has been one of the most difficult afternoons/evenings of my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited I could pee my pants. (Seriously, I almost did when I read the e-mail. Maybe it's still a postpartum side-effect.) Despite my best efforts to work things out, I will not be there.

Here was what I envisioned - I would be in the room when the adoption was finalized. Temporal closure. It would be finished. Then, I would wait outside the temple as Dave, Amy, and my sweet, beautiful David were sealed. They would walk out, all in white, and I would see them as a brand new eternal family. I would cry, laugh, and rejoice in that glorious moment with them. Eternal closure.

I got to be there a few weeks ago when Paige's sweet little Andi was sealed to her parents, Kim and Shane. I was invited to witness the joy of the entire family as the three of them came walking out of the temple together. It was overwhelmingly beautiful, wonderful, and I wanted to observe that moment forever. Seeing the joy on Kim and Shane's faces made me anticipate David's sealing that much more. I would be more closely connected with it.

August 11, 2010 will be my second favorite day for the rest of my life (maybe third, if I get married), (first was the day David was born). On that day, I will be rejoicing. I will be praying, and asking for strength. I will try with all my might to make my love travel the 2,500 miles to Florida where it should be. Where it is supposed to be. I won't be in Florida that day... but my heart will be. Every single piece. Sorry, gentlemen, but don't even bother trying to woo me that day.

In institute today, we talked about Temples. They are still a mystery to me. The ordinances and work that goes on inside is still mostly unknown to me - which is just fine. But I'm aching to go. My heart longs to be ready to enter that sacred house of the Lord. I still have a lot of preparing to do, but I will go inside someday. Never has it been more important to me. I am so grateful for the eternal nature of families, and that we are given the opportunity to secure that sacred bond, that sealing, on this earth. I am so grateful to be sealed to my family, and I am grateful that in less than a month my sweet David will be eternally sealed to his family. HIS family. For... forever. (Does the idea of eternity blow anyone else's mind? Wow!)

it's all in!!!

2010-07-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Julie and I talked tonight.

There's one paper that Dave and Amy have been waiting on until they are cleared to set a court date for everything to be finalized.

Julie says - The paper is in! It's been submitted to Florida, and as soon as it's accepted, it will be official! David Allen Harmon III!!!

My computer is finally fixed, so I can get back to being a part of the blogosphere again! I'm about to start a movie with my mom, so I'll make this a short post.

I Just want to throw this out there - I am so grateful for this gospel. The gospel of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful that I will be able to "see" (stand outside the temple) my beautiful son get sealed to his parents. I won't raise him, and I wasn't meant to be his mother. I know that David was meant to be with Dave and Amy. The Lord had a hand in my entire situation. I miss him, but I wouldn't wish him back. He is happy, and living the life he deserves with his parents. The parents he was always meant to be with. And I am so flippin' excited that they'll be sealed soon!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!

crash and burn

2010-06-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

The title is just to get everyone's attention, since I haven't updated in a while.

First off, my computer crashed. As in, it will most likely not recover. Unfortunately, it wasn't a virus. It was a hardware malfunction... which just so happened to occur right after my warranty expired. Funny how that ALWAYS happens... *cough* apple *cough*

So anyway, I'm taking my last opportunity I'll ever have to commandeer my sister's computer before she gets married and moves out. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after 4:00 tomorrow afternoon, it will be just my mom and I. Again. It seems like a very strange cycle...

We set everything up for Heather's wedding tonight. It was a lot of fun, but mostly I was a glorified babysitter/tree-light-wrapper. But hey, it was fun! I did shed some tears, though, which I wasn't expecting to do. It wasn't because Heather's leaving, I know we'll see each other. It wasn't because I'm jealous (which I kind of am, but I'm quickly getting over it...) or because I'm just so touched by love.

I cried because when we did the actual wedding rehearsal. I sat on the back row untangling a strand of lights, and as I watched Heather walk down the aisle with Chase (my step-brother, who will be giving her away) my chest clenched up and all I could think was, "Lynn, you are supposed to be here. Why aren't you here??" ...thoughts like this take me off guard quite often. Whether it's about David or Lynn, my grief seems to sneak up on me now. I can't anticipate it, and I can't really prepare myself for it. I go mini-golfing, I think of Lynn. I go to Lee's Mongolian (mmmm!!!), and I think of Lynn. I bowl, I drive through Weber State's campus, I use a hammer, or I lay in front of the fireplace... and I think of Lynn. And I ask why he's not here. I still don't understand why he had to go. That's not to say I'm murmuring, because I'm not. I don't blame anyone for it, I just... I wish I could see the big picture. I wish I knew who, on the other side of the veil, needed Lynn more than we did. I know he can probably still hear me when I talk to him, but I sure wish he could talk back. I keep thinking back to the last thing he ever said to me, and it was when we were trying to get him to get in the car to go to the hospital. He was fighting me and my mom, looked each of us in the eye, then said to each of us (separately, so he said it twice), "I'm fine, it will be okay. Everything will be okay."

At the time, I didn't realize that his words could possibly mean something deeper than that he would get over the flu (which wasn't actually what he had, just so everyone is aware). I remember feeling so lost and lonely when David arrived, and praying so hard that Lynn would recover enough to at least enable Dave and Amy to bring little David to the hospital to meet him. I just need to remember, though, that "Everything will be okay."

I decided to share David's story with some of the girls at school. All of them seemed to deeply respect what I shared with them, and asked some very good questions that I was more than happy to answer. Unfortunately, and I knew I would run into this at some point, a few of the questions led to my emotional and spiritual reasons for placing David with Dave and Amy. My basic answers deeply offended a single mother in my class, and although I didn't intend to make her feel like a bad mother, I found out tonight that she sees me as a "self-righteous brat who doesn't know what being a real parent means". In retrospect, I probably should have censored what I said, but I also did not in any way direct them at her or imply that I'm a better parent. I'm hoping she will give me the chance to apologize on Monday. The reasons I told the girls were -
* I wanted David to have two parents living in the same household
* I didn't want my mom raising him
* He deserved more than a college drop-out for a mom
* He shouldn't have to suffer his whole life for a mistake that I made
* I feel that although I'm plenty old enough to be a mom, that doesn't mean I'm ready to be the mom he deserves (oh, but how I still love him more deeply than I ever imagined I could!)
The girl who was hurt by my words is an amazing mother. She has a beautiful daughter and a handsome son. She has given up her personal luxuries so that her children will never have to do without. I have incredible respect for her. I can tell she loves her children more than the world by the way her eyes light up when she talks about them.

David was meant to be with Dave and Amy. It was all part of a plan. That sweet little spirit would have found his way to them one way or another, and it just happened to be by way of me. And I am so grateful that it was. But adoption isn't right for everyone, and that is just the way it is. Just as I adore other birthmothers, I love and respect single mothers. Both roads are heartbreaking at times, and beautiful at times. Life is beautiful... but sometimes we forget what true beauty looks like.

erin on my mind...

2010-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I've hit some milestones, regressed, and moved forward all at the same time. But, today, my heart is with two beautiful girls - Erin, one of the sweetest and kindest girls I've met in group, and her beautiful little girl, Madison.

Madison was born 4 weeks premature, weighed 4-pounds-something at birth, but is completely healthy. I had the opportunity to meet her and hold her for a short while yesterday. As soon as I stepped into the hospital room, and I saw Erin, I couldn't control my tears. Everything came rushing back to me, all of the emotions from four months ago. Then, as I held sweet little Madison (half the weight David was at birth!), a calm filled my mind.

As Erin and I sat and talked, I was so amazed and in awe of her strength and courage. She was calm, serene, and looked stunning. (Who can possibly look that good after giving birth?! Seriously!) I'd always heard that a change comes over women the moment their child is born. There was a light in Erin that I couldn't explain. I could tell she was aching over what these next few days would bring, but the way she held her sweet little angel, and the tenderness in her voice when she talked about Matt and Michelle (her adoptive couple) gave me the strength and reassurance that I needed, because although I asked nobody to save me, I sometimes want so badly to spare anyone else the hell of the "empty arms" feeling. But, I also know that the decision she is making is selfless and possible because of this very raw form of love. I know that love, I still feel it every moment of every day. I would not go back on my decision, as I know Erin won't. Angels are surrounding her, and helping to strengthen her.

I also got the opportunity to meet Matt and Michelle very briefly, and I instantly fell in love with them, too. (Even though they definitely weren't Dave and Amy, teehee!) As I told Erin, all of the emotions and memories I was feeling when I was there with her were all good - the three days she is experiencing right now were the most wonderful of my life. The feeling in the room was so sacred and peaceful as I sat watching Erin hold beautiful little Madison. I can only imagine that feeling will be more pronounced at placement today. My thoughts, prayers, and heart are with you, Erin.

be still

2010-06-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Alright, so here's the deal. The post I made before, if anyone even read it before I deleted it, was written in anger. I haven't been angry in a long time. It was because my pride was hurt, and I was blaming others for my own insecurities. In retrospect, that was really stupid to write... So from now on, I'll only write when I'm even-tempered. (Kind of like that idea of NOT making decisions on emotional lows OR highs... do not blog on emotional lows... sometimes highs. :) ).

I keep being reminded lately to "be still... and listen". I am still a little unsure of how the Spirit speaks to me. I know how I feel when something is obviously wrong... but what about little things? I get so nervous sometimes, wondering if I was pretending to get an answer or really got one. I read a post on the r house about mrs. r's thoughts on "be still" (and she's doing an awesome giveway from the r house couture !!!) and it reminded me yet again... just be still. Listen with a pure heart, and a mind single to God.

Today is my 21st birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!! I had some good friends over, and we ate, listened to music, played card games, made a lot of "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes, and had a great time. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time... it felt so nice. Maybe 21 WILL be the best year of my life! (Knock on wood...)

I keep thinking about the perfect man. There was an exercise that I did with my caseworker a couple of months before little David was born. We drew a stick figure man on the whiteboard (no, the perfect man is NOT a stick figure, but neither of us were artists, so...) and labeled him with all of the qualities {my} perfect man will have. We divided them into "Deal Breakers" and "That'd-Be-Nice" (I know, we're so original..). I wish I could remember exactly what we put, but it really made me think about what I want, and especially about what *I* need to do to deserve the "Deal Breakers". So here is a new list, some of which I'm SURE were on the original list. I would attempt to do a stick figure, but I'm only just able to type. Bear with me.

{Deal Breakers}
Must be an *honorable* priesthood holder
Must put God before anything else, including me
Must take me to the temple, and remind me of that goal
Must take me BACK to the temple
Must have a sense of humor
Must adore me, and make me a top priority (at least, when we get more serious)
Must want a family (duh)
Must be willing to work hard, and try to let me be a stay-at-home mom (although I will work if necessary)
Must get along with my family AND his own (especially his own)
Must love dogs (heh heh heh)
Must be willing to work through disagreements, instead of dancing around the issues.
Must be intelligent (No, I'm serious on this one, I will not marry an idiot... he wouldn't last a minute in my family)
Must hold and comfort me when I cry
Must be good-looking - at least to me. ;-)
Must be stable in life.
Must be willing to hold hands in public.
Must open doors for me.
Must like to snuggle.
Must tell me I'm beautiful. (even when pregnant)
Must ALWAYS kiss me goodnight.
Must be ambitious (but not overly so)

{That'd-be-Nice}
Broad shoulders. mmm...
Great lips (bahaha...)
Already in a career (Some guys are still in school, which is why this isn't a deal-breaker)
Dark-featured
Tall
Likes the same music
Likes to read
Surprises me
Golfs

I'm sure I could keep adding to the list, and some things will switch from the "Deal Breakers" to the "That'd-Be-Nice"s every so often. But I honestly don't think those things are too much to ask for. I know there are guys out there who have every single trait I listed, plus some.

Here is what I need to work on - patience. I know the things I need to be doing to be worthy of such a superman, but sometimes I get too impatient which leads to frustration which can lead to murmuring... It's a vicious cycle. But, this week, I will make a very conscious effort to not murmur. I will find somebody to serve. I will make myself more Christlike, so that a man who has the "perfect woman" list will see his {perfect} traits in me. I'm capable of loving, I know that, but I also know that I cannot love just *anyone*. That will just bring more pain. So here I go, continuing to better myself... wish me luck!

Love is…walking the dog, together.

Love is…bringing out the best in each other.

breath in and out

2010-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure if I had the heart to post anything for memorial day. It seemed too cliche`. But then again, I'm the queen of cliche` so I might as well keep up my reputation.

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." - Sam Baldwin, 'Sleepless in Seattle'

I love this quote from Sleepless in Seattle. I watched a lot of sappy chick flicks right after I placed my little boy. This was one that I frequented via Netflix.

I think this is how it feels when we lose someone close to us. This is how I've been feeling every day since I knew Lynn was really passing away. When I would wake up, I'd keep my eyes closed for a moment longer, hoping it was one of those dreams where you thought you were awake, but you had to wake up again because you only dreamed you were awake. (Just think about it a minute, it'll make sense). All I could think was, "Another day. Here we go." Praying was hard, but necessary. I miss my dad so much...

Watching them close the casket at the funeral was the hardest part. I'll never see his face in person again... at least not in this lifetime. My heart was breaking, but it was really only breaking for those of us left behind. I know Lynn proved himself, he served his mission on this earth (I wonder if any of us realized part of that mission was to save me?) and was absolutely ready to move beyond the veil. I wish the veil was just a little thinner, or had some peek-holes or something... what I wouldn't give to hug him one more time. Just see him smile. I want to say something stupid, and make him laugh. It'll be a long time yet before that happens. I took everything for granted. I swear I will never do that again.

I love this song by Toby Keith. (I've always had a little celebrity crush on Toby)

scarlet letter, or......

2010-05-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Superwoman?

I think the latter.

I was talking to my mom tonight, and the conversation went something like this -
{my mom is a very wise woman, and I value what she says so much}

Me: It's not that I WANT to be in a high position in the church, I just don't think I'd ever be able to be called to one, 'cause people would say something like, "Oh, the second-counselor in the General Young Women's presidency had a baby out of wedlock, she's not a good example to young women."
My Awesome Mom: Or, they'd more likely say, "Wow, what a great example! She made a mistake, but made a selfless, righteous choice in placing her baby for adoption and strengthening her testimony in the process." You could help a lot of girls who feel lost.
{insert warm fuzzy feelings here}
I love my mom. Walking down the street, nobody would be able to look at her and know that she was divorced, widowed, had a son go off the deep end, and a daughter have a child out of wedlock. Nowhere on her does she wear a scarlet letter. Instead, I'm pretty convinced that she secretly has a Superwoman symbol underneath her shirt.

a strong kind of broken

2010-05-20T23:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wonder if people can tell just by looking at me. I wonder if it's the reason why, when we briefly make eye contact, they quickly look away.
Can they feel the pain, too?
Lately I've felt like my GaGa-inspired sunglasses are a shield. Not for me, but for others around me. I feel like the ache in my soul is just reaching, clawing its way out of me, trying to latch onto someone else. I know I've looked at people and sensed that they've suffered a great loss. There's something deeper in the way they meet your eye, the way they hold your gaze as if they're afraid to let go.

I know there's no way they can possibly know. I'm the only one who knows there's an elephant in the room (most of the time). But it still sometimes feels like my soul is going to shatter, and if I don't hold my arms around myself then my body will shatter with it.

I'm not just aching over David right now. I always ache over him. I always will. But I know he's safe, loved and warm. I felt my deepest sorrow and my greatest joy when David came into my life. I needed him.

My dad, Lynn, is passing away. After months of my praying, begging, pleading with the Lord, Lynn's body has signaled to us that he's ready to go. {not my will, but thine, o Lord}

We've brought him home so that his last days can be spent with the people he loves most - his family. We know he is seeing beyond the veil, and has been serving the Lord on the other side for some time now. It's just time for his mortal body to rest. I now know that Lynn was with me at placement. He was with my sister when she was robbed at work. He was with my mom these many months that she's sat by his bedside, so devoted. He is with me when I ache. I believe in guardian angels, and I have had experiences over and over that help me remember that the veil is so very thin. Lynn is there. He is preparing a beautiful, wonderful mansion in the eternities for my mother. He is spreading the gospel message to those who have passed on without a knowledge. I will be with Lynn again.

I cry a few times per hour. My chest feels like it will explode one minute, then I feel that familiar hollow ache the next. My dad, the man who helped carry me through my pregnancy (blessings at 3 am, letting me vent, bearing his testimony of my Heavenly Father's love), and the man who, by the way he loves and adores my mother, showed me how I deserve to be treated, will never leave my heart. I only knew him for just over 3 years, but he changed my life forever. I will cling to anything I can, I will mope, I will be tempted to hide away and never reenter the world. But I am at peace with the decision my family has made. I will be there for my mom, because she has always been there for me. I will hold my head high, because I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who will not let me be miserable for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if people can tell, just by looking at me, that I'm broken. Even if they can, I hope I'm a strong kind of broken. The cracks in my heart allow me to radiate more love to those around me. And I'm trying. I will love, I will give, I will serve. Lynn was my example, so I will live the way he taught me to.

Lynn - you are the father I didn't always have, and you never had to be. You didn't have to hold me when I cried, but you did. You didn't have to call me your daughter, but you did. You didn't have to put up with my attitude, my messy room, my piles of laundry... but you did. I love you so much. I always will. My children will always know how amazing their grandfather was. I pray that you are teasing them right now, preparing them to come down to a crazy mommy. I pray you'll watch over David, the little boy you helped me make the right, loving decision for. I pray he'll feel your guiding strength behind him his whole life. You are always in my heart. Forever, your daughter.

July 2007

Not my post...

2010-05-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

What I want to share this week isn't my own post. The guest blogger for the LDS Family Services Birthmother Bonds group today (Wednesday) is Amy... my Amy. Of course, I'm the one who picked the guest bloggers, so... Anyway. this link should take you there. It's a long story, but wow. It's powerful reading [what turns into] my story from the other side.

Oh, and David rolled over this past week. He's growing so fast!!!

Tee hee... sometimes, spit happens! :-)

Mother's Day (a day late)

2010-05-10T00:56:00.000-07:00

I love Mother's Day. I won't lie, today was a little rough, but overall it went well.

I wish I could say something profound tonight... something that would bring everyone to tears (I'm okay with crying, it heals), but what's in my heart right now is pretty simple.

I love the experience I've gone through. I have two very important mothers in my life - my own mother, who has loved me unconditionally and has never ceased to leave me in awe of her strength, and Amy. Every time I think about Amy my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. She has become like an older (far displaced) sister to me. More than anything, I'm grateful for what she is doing right now - giving her son (because he IS hers, completely) all of the love, care, and snuggles that he deserves. Little David deserves the world, and Amy is his world (and Dave, but this is a Mother's Day post, look for yours in June!) and I love her more and more every day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Happy Mother's Day, Amy!

PS

2010-05-05T22:10:00.000-07:00

To my Eternal Companion,
I should probably tell you now... a part of my heart will always belong to another boy.
He is perfect, and everything I've ever dreamed about.
His name is David, and he is 10 weeks old.
He lives in Florida.
He has my eyes and lips.
He will be part of my life forever.
But I promise you, my heart can be shared. And I pray you can love him, too, because he is a very real part of me.

fairytale

2010-05-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

Never let anybody tell you what you can and cannot have in your future.

Never let anybody try to define you by what they DO NOT KNOW!

I had a conversation the other night that went something like this...

Me: My priorities have changed... my life has changed. I want to get married, have a family. And I'll wait.
Stupid Jerk: What does marriage have to do with it? You need to get that silly idea out of your head.
Me: There are still people in this world who believe in marriage, just because you're not one of them doesn't mean someone won't someday love me for everything I am...and everything I am not... and want to make a lifetime and eternal commitment.
Stupid Jerk: Marriage doesn't mean crap. If you think that's what will keep a guy from walking out on you, you're wrong. He'll walk if he wants to. And he probably will want to. A piece of paper won't change that.
Me: No wonder you're so unhappy all the time. I still believe I'll have my fairytale ending, thanks.
Stupid Jerk: Fairytales don't exist. It's a fantasy people create to go along with some bogus religious beliefs. Live in the real world. Remember Jaclyn? (name has been changed)
Me: Yeah?
Stupid Jerk: She gives me that crap all the time - telling me she will meet a guy, they'll fall in love, get married, have a family. But here she is, 27, and has yet for that to happen. Her problem is that she's too hot to get married. Beautiful girls will never get married because the matching counterparts (I'll assume he meant good-looking guys) are only into one-night stands.
Me: Or maybe things just haven't been right yet. Way to trash her faith in men.
Stupid Jerk: That's your problem, too. You're too good-looking to ever get married. Guys who are actually into that fidelity crap won't ever go for you because it's assumed you'll cheat on them. So you should just be the girl who has no emotional attachment, go to bars, pick up a guy, get him home then be like 'buh-bye'.
Me: Yeah, because I'm like that.
Stupid Jerk: You should be, you'd be good at it.
Me: I can't do that. It's so wrong. I'll wait my entire life if I have to. But I'll have the life I dream about.
Stupid Jerk: Be prepared to end up a cat lady.

So I drove home crying. How could he think he has the right to tell me that I can't expect a fairytale? No, I don't expect a guy to come sweep me away on a white horse, and live happily ever after. But even though I have every right to NOT believe in love... I still do. I know it's there. I have seen it. And I know that it's okay to believe that I'll get married... have children... be with my family forever. That's the plan of happiness! Being told that nobody will ever love me... that hurts. So much. It takes a lot for me to keep my head up and keep moving forward after hearing stuff like that. I hear it all the time. But one thing I know - I know that I have the ability to love. And because I know that I can love, I know I can BE loved as well. I've been promised that someone will love me with all of his heart, and I will never have reason to doubt that love as long as I give myself to him fully. (I love my patriarchal blessing). I trust that my Heavenly Father will help me... in His time. I don't expect to meet a guy tomorrow and be married by December. But I know he's out there, waiting to meet me, too.

To my Eternal Companion - I'm becoming who you're looking for. It's been a long, hard road, but I'm almost there. I'm working hard, and I know that we will find each other. I love you already, and I know you already love me. I pray every day that when we do meet, I'll be able to feel the prompting of the Spirit to pursue a relationship. Until that day, stay strong. Don't lose hope. I'm here, I promise! We will be together forever. Love, Me

at - ONE - ment

2010-05-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

This week I've realized that, although I have a testimony of the atonement, I don't truly understand it. Happily, the Sunday school lesson today was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I wrote down some of the things that really affected me and helped me understand how incredible this sacrifice was, and how necessary for our salvation.

The Savior atoned for our sins by suffering in Gethsemane and by giving His life on the cross. It is impossible for us to fully understand how He suffered for all of our sins. In the Garden of Gethsemane, the weight of our sins caused Him to feel such agony that He bled from every pore (D&C 19:18-19). Later, as He hung upon the cross, Jesus suffered painful death by one of the most cruel methods known to man.

How Jesus loves us, to suffer such spiritual and physical agony for our sake! How great the love of Heavenly Father that He would send His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for the rest of His children. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) (Taken from the Gospel Principles manual)

Justice and Mercy are upheld by the atonement - justice because the sins we committed have been paid for, and mercy because we are forgiven if we accept Christ as our mediator. (see President Packer's talk in the May 1977 Ensign, pp. 54 - 55)

Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father. (Packer, April 1977 General Conference)

Something that I loved today was learning the definition of the word "succor". We've all heard it, that Christ will succor those who mourn. But do we realize what "succor" actually means? It means to quickly come to aide, relief. The Savior will quickly come to our aide when we are aching! The pain that the Savior suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane wasn't just the pain from our sins... he suffered and felt all the pain we would ever feel. Every ounce of pain I feel from circumstances outside my control (such as Lynn's current medical condition) has been felt before... by Jesus Christ. He knows our pain, he knows what we feel, and he is there to hold us if we only go Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!

The Atonement means to come together. In Dan Brown's novel, The Lost Symbol, he breaks it down so simply ~ at - ONE - ment ~. Becoming one through the Lord. How beautiful it is that He loves us so completely, that he provided a way for us to overcome spiritual death. We are not alone. Ever.

It was for me.

A Mother's Story - Adoption

2010-04-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

If only they knew...

2010-04-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

I feel that I've been selfish. That I've focused so much on MY side of adoption, that I never took the time to fully think about things from the adoptive side. Today, I woke up to read Ashley's Guest Post on the r house blog. As per usual, I cried. I cried because I truly wish I knew - Why was I able to get pregnant so (seemingly) easily, when there are hundreds of thousands of waiting, ready, and God-loving women who desire so much to be mothers, but for whatever reason are infertile? Why must these women, who have been dreaming of having huge families their whole lives, go through the pain and heartache of infertility treatments? I have begun to realize that ANY pregnancy is a miracle. My pregnancy is a miracle. I've always talked about adoption as a miracle, and I'm beginning to realize that more and more.

I wish I could fully convey the feelings I have for the beautiful, wonderful women who may only be able to sustain a pregnancy once or twice, if ever at all. Birthmothers are often told that we are "angels". It's hard to believe such a thing when the usual reason for us becoming pregnant is because we were immoral in our actions. But the truth is, the mothers (in EVERY sense of the word!) that we place our children with are the true angels. I hope that they know how loved, adored, and special they are. Amy is my angel. I don't know if I can fully express my gratitude for her and Dave. That they were righteous, worthy, and ready to be parents when I knew in my heart that I couldn't be. They are David's parents, in this mortal life and in the eternities. It is thanks to them, and their willingness to pursue parenthood in a non-conventional way, that I was able to turn my life around and live my life so that when the day comes, I can be a mother, too. They gave me hope and encouraged me to turn to my Heavenly Father when it would have been so easy to walk the other direction. How many people have that kind of unconditional love??

How much more beautiful our world is, full of these wonderful mothers and fathers who truly understand the sanctity of life. Who know that any pregnancy is a miracle. Who know that being a mother or a father doesn't necessitate a biological child.

The r house posted this quote, and I would like to share it. I think it applies to ALL mothers (you know what I mean).

You are the poem I dreamed of writing,

the masterpiece I longed to paint.

You are the shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled.

You are my child.

Now with all things I am blessed.

That's Who I Am

2010-04-17T23:19:00.000-07:00

If I make it to 100 and never see the seven wonders, that'll be alright.
If I don't make it to the big league, if I never win a Grammy, I know I'll be just fine
'cause I know exactly who I am.

When I make a big mistake, when I fall flat on my face, I know I'll be alright.
Should my tender heart be broken, I will cry those teardrops knowin' that I will be just fine
'cause nothing changes who I am.

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner.
I'm a loser, I'm a winner.
I am steady and unstable.
I am young but I am able.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love this song by Jessica Andrews (I took the chorus out)

I tried a little experiment tonight. One year ago next month, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and analyzed myself, making a mental note of everything I would change about myself if I could. I can't believe I did this, but I actually wrote it down in my journal. Here are a few things -

~ My nose, it's too big
~ My hair is too thin and boring
~ My shoulders are too broad
~ My butt is too flat
~ My eyes are mismatched
~ I'm too short

There are others, but just these listed above made me realize how far I've come since that time. When I did that, I wasn't pregnant yet (well, technically I'd been pregnant for two whole days, but I at least didn't know). Now, a year later, I decided to sit down in front of the full length mirror in my room and analyze myself.

You know what? Even with my little post-partum gut, I couldn't find one single thing I'd change!
I laughed at myself. How amazing it is that the one thing that could have made me hate and lose all respect for myself turned out to be what saved me and made me love myself! I'm so grateful to be where I am right now. I have hard days, sure, but I know who I am and where I'm going. I have dreams that I'm working toward, and I know how to get there.

Chelsea and I are going to be speaking at a Relief Society Meeting (formerly known as Enrichment) on the 13th of May. Just as we adjusted our focus to be more relevant to the YW we were speaking to, we'll adjust our focus again to be relevant to the "older" generations - those who may be in our positions, or have daughters/sisters/friends/neighbors/etc. who may be in our positions. It will be a neat experience, and I pray that the spirit will guide me on the right things to say. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful friend as Chelsea to share these experiences with! She's incredible.

To end this, I'd like to share a thought I heard - "We always hear that 'if the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it'. Well, what about if you bring yourself to it? The Lord doesn't direct you to sin and bondage. What then? Place your trust in the Lord, and He'll bring you through those things as well. We will still hurt, and make some very tough choices as a consequence, but He is our Father. We won't ever be alone in our struggles if we simply place our faith in the Lord and ask for his help."

My sweet little David - I love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You healed my lost and broken heart. I'm grateful every day that you came into my life and, though I won't raise you, I'm proud to call you my son. You are my angel, and I hope someday you'll know just how many lives you've blessed. You're always in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart. Forever. Love, your birthmom.

Endure... and progress

2010-04-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

This week has been so good... but I've had some pretty crappy moments. I feel like I see infant boys everywhere. Amy posted some videos of David to her blog, and my heart felt so comforted seeing them. He is so happy!

I had the opportunity to speak to a Young Women's group last night with Chelsea, another birthmom who placed her beautiful little boy in November. It was such a wonderful experience. As we shared our stories, and focused more on the spiritual aspect of what we had gone through, there was such an incredible feeling of love in the room with us. We
tried so hard to make the girls understand that, yes, something absolutely beautiful came out of our situations and we wouldn't go back and change it, but it's a long, hard road to repentance. I felt like I relived my entire experience last night as Chelsea and I shared some intimate details of our struggles. I remembered how badly I wanted to parent, and how my heart would ache whenever I thought about what I wouldn't be able to give David if I did. How I prayed so hard for so long that Ben would decide to marry me so that I wouldn't have to make the decision I was faced with. Then, how my prayers shifted to asking for strength to let go of Ben and make the decision. Then, again, when I started praying to know if the choices I was making were correct. Then, finally, praying that I would have the strength to go through with placing sweet little David, and be able to love him as much as possible during the time he was mine.

Now, I not only pray for David to feel loved and comforted (which I know he always will be), but I pray that I can keep doing the things I need to so that I will, one day, be able to be the mother that I wanted David to have. Dave and Amy have been such great examples of what parents should be. I know it's not right to idolize, but I chose Amy and Dave not necessarily because they are "better" than me - I chose them because I like to think they are like me... or, rather, how I will be.

So I always try to find gospel analogies in movies. Tonight, I finally saw "The Princess and the Frog". It is so cute! Very Disney-esque in that it stereotyped every character... but it was very cute. Towards the end, the "Shadow Man" has to repay his debts to the Voodoo gods. It's a pretty scary part, but as he is being dragged away by the dark spirits, he yells "I just need more time! I just need more time!" Honestly, all I could think was, when the world is destroyed by fire and judgment day comes, I hope I won't need 'more time'. I don't want to wonder whether or not I'll have done the things necessary to attain the highest degree of glory, and therefore be with my family and my Heavenly Father forever. I want to live my life in such a way that I won't need 'more time'. I will not only endure to the end, I will progress to the end.

On a not-so-deep note, my jeans that were tight before pregnancy are too loose now! Yay! Also, check out this AMAZING blog... I love this woman and the way she encourages open adoption. She also does custom adoption jewelry/boutique items. Very cute!

One more thing, Julie asked me to be on a birth-parent panel for a new group of adoptive-parent hopefuls in May. I'm very excited, and very nervous. I know I'm very blessed to have the relationship with Dave and Amy that I do, but I hope that by talking about my experience other girls will have the opportunity for the same type of wonderful, loving relationship with their adoptive couples.

things birthmoms shouldn't have to hear...

2010-04-04T01:39:00.000-07:00

I worked a very long shift tonight at work, and unfortunately had to work with all three of the people who disagreed with my placing David. I don't typically avoid the subject, but I knew I would have to go on the defensive around them, so I kept my mouth shut whenever I wanted to say something about him. These three people are also really great at trying to get a rise out of me by making anti-Mormon/religion comments near me. I've stopped reacting, because it's not worth it. Tonight got me thinking, though, about what kinds of things people have said to me throughout this process that I wouldn't have thought twice about before.

I made a list of the things birthmoms shouldn't have to hear.

1) "I wouldn't be able to give my baby away."
    I actually heard this from a girl in response to why she had had two abortions within a year, instead of placing for adoption. My heart broke.

2) "You're taking the easy way out [by placing your baby for adoption]."
    I don't think this needs an explanation...

3) "I was a single parent and my children turned out just fine."
    Every person and their situation is different. If this is true of you, just know that we don't sit there and say, "She should have placed her children for adoption."

4) "You're so lucky you don't have to do all the 'mom' stuff!"
    I know being a mom is hard, but there is nothing I wouldn't give to lose sleep, ache, get spit-up on, change diapers, and do all the other 'mom' stuff. Infertile couples feel this way, too.

5) "Adoption is selfish."
    Yes, I'm completely selfish, because I wanted my son to have the best life possible, and have all the things I can't give him. I wanted him to be raised by both of his parents, who love and adore him more than anything in this world, instead of a daycare or grandparents. I'm such a selfish, self-serving person for that. I'm selfish because I consciously made the decision to relinquish my parental rights and willingly go through more pain than I ever thought possible.

6) Complaining about pregnancy.
    Again, this is one of those things birthmoms and infertile couples shouldn't have to hear. Given, pregnancy is hard. But I know people who had hellish pregnancies who would gladly go through them again because the magic of those few days between being pregnant and placement is worth every bit of pain or discomfort. And there are some people who would sell their left kidney to be able to be pregnant.

7) "Ohh, he's so cute! Too bad you gave him up for adoption..."
    ... really? Just, really? Well, your dog was really sweet, too bad it's dead.. (I really wanted to say this to my coworker who said the above statement.)

8) "You could have just gotten an abortion."
... not worth the fight on this one...

9) "Get over it. You made the decision, you shouldn't hurt over it."
Just because I made that decision doesn't mean it was easy, or that I'm going to be completely normal immediately afterward.

10) "If you loved him enough, you wouldn't be able to give him to someone else."
   Actually, if I loved him any less, I wouldn't have signed the relinquishment papers.

I hope I don't offend anyone... I just want people to be a little more conscientious about things that can hurt.