taking a page... music

I get my best ideas from other bloggers. So, as per usual, I took a page out of mrs. r's book. Read her most recent post, it will make you cry (in the best way).

I drive... a lot. I'm a delivery driver. Not ashamed to admit it, because I do very well on tips and it works GREAT with my school schedule. Besides, how many people can rock a "Pie" t-shirt and baseball cap like I can? Ha.

I spent a lot of time in the car when I was pregnant, singing and talking to the tiny life inside me. I made up songs, I sang lullabies my mother sang to me, and I made promises... and thus far, I've kept every promise I made to that beautiful little boy.  (Even the goofy ones... like promising a life of sunshine. Funny how things work out... Florida is the "sunshine" state!)

Music is my world. I don't remember a time when music wasn't part of my life. My amazing mother would have music playing in the house when I was younger, and encouraged me to join music programs at school. Little did I know, music would become not only my passion, but also my physician, psychiatrist, diary, best friend, sweet escape, and, sometimes, a painful reminder.

When I first met Dave and Amy (the day after Thanksgiving, 2009), they gave me a little gift. The assured their families and caseworkers (haha!) that it wasn't bribing. Luckily, I was still oblivious to adoption scammers and bribery. (I love you, Amy!) I clutched that "Celtic Woman - A New Journey" CD to my chest as we drove away from Chili's that night. I could only think, 'How did she know? How could they possibly know?'... I have a secret passion for Celtic Woman, and I had somehow gone years without actually owning a Celtic Woman CD. That night, and almost every night until just before delivery (I believe it was when Lynn went into the hospital), I fell asleep listening to that CD. It soothed my troubled heart. It brought back memories of happy times. Somehow, that little act (along with my strong confirmation, to be talked about later. Maybe.) helped me know that Dave and Amy were the ones. How seemingly insignificant that act may have seemed to anyone on the outside... but it was perfect.

After placement, I couldn't listen to "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours" without crossing my arms across my body to hold myself together and try to control the grief that would rock through me. But I forced myself to listen to it. I forced myself to listen to "Blessed" by Elton John (the song I've personally dedicated to my sweet David), "Goodnight, My Angel" by Billy Joel (though I like the 'Celtic Woman' arrangement better), and "Hardest For Me" by Michael McLean. These songs, along with many others, helped me before placement... surely I could still find peace in them, if only I wasn't so afraid of reliving all of my emotion. Slowly, but surely, I began to love the simple music I had so greatly relied on before. I found more songs that I tied to adoption, to motherhood, to grief and loss, and I made them my own. I have a soundtrack to my life constantly playing in my mind. In the past few months, my own lyrics and music have interwoven themselves into this constant playlist. I'll start singing "my" song, the song that describes my own heart, while I drive at work. While I drive to school. I even caught myself singing while I was working on one of my mannequins at school... oops. Slowly, music is helping my heart mend. It is giving sound and life, rhythm and feeling, depth and passion to the musings of my soul.

I wrote a journal entry not too long after placement about how nervous I am for the future and wondering if I'll ever find a man who will understand that David is very much a part of my life, and will hold a piece of my heart forever... and will be willing to share that piece. So, with the *hope* that those who read my blog aren't the stealing types, I want to share a small (and very, very simple) sample of lyrics (since I can't find a way to record the music I hear in my mind) I've written to embody my feeling.

(these are not complete lyrics, just bits and pieces... I feel the need to share them right now)

I've felt true love before
I know deep sorrow, too
when I looked into his dark brown eyes
I saw perfection, pure and true
So as I share my story
Please know I'll sometimes cry
When I think about the joy he brought
And the pain that was 'goodbye'

He's two years old
He has my eyes
He's his momma's gift from heaven
He's his daddy's "little guy"
I let him go so he could live
the type of life I couldn't give
back then
and I pray that you will love the part of me
that still belongs to him


I invite you to view the two videos I made. (Links are posted on the left column, or HERE and HERE) One, I made while waiting for Dave and Amy to open their very special Christmas Present last year. The other, I made a few weeks after placement. I think another is long overdue... but I haven't felt in the right spirit to make it yet. I feel that I'm waiting for something. Whether it be a big event or some form of closure, I'm not sure.