The first week I felt like I was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to break down or explode into a million pieces. I wandered around my house, searching for whatever was missing. I knew I wouldn't find him... but I couldn't sit still. I longed to hold something in my arms, to care for something. Engorgement was hell. I was in survival mode. I felt like I had no purpose. For nine months, my entire purpose had been caring for and nurturing the new life inside of me. Suddenly, the most purposeful thing I did was laundry. My heart ached and longed for David. I wondered if I would have been a good mom. I wondered if he would feel abandoned, if he missed me, if he would remember my smell and my voice.
Week two I smiled more, talked on the phone to my sisters more, and I started creating. I scrapbooked, I sewed, and I cooked. I did anything to keep my hands and mind busy. Of course, I'm always thinking about David. But it's easier to think about him and not cry when I feel like I'm doing something useful or productive.
Then, one morning during my third week, I woke up and didn't cry. I was able to look at pictures of my beautiful boy and be grateful for the life he is living. I finished registering for school, and I went back to work.
The fourth week I relapsed a little. I began to break down a little more often as David's one-month birthday got closer. I started to wish I didn't live so far from Florida. I wondered how I had ever thought I'd be okay with a 2,500 mile distance. I went to visit Ben's sister and her new baby girl. It was so hard to hold her sweet little girl, my son's cousin, and not long for David again. They have the same fingers and toes, and holding her made me feel complete again for just a few minutes. After we left, I cried from the deepest part of my heart. Then, I got my weekly e-mail with pictures from Dave and Amy... and again, I was reassured. Even in pictures, I could see the love connecting the three of them. They were meant to be together. I helped create a perfect, eternal family for someone else. He is so loved. Dave and Amy feel the same way about him that I do, or maybe even more.
This week, week 5, I've gotten teary a few times, and I found myself mentally spacing out in the baby section at WalMart. I also put together stuff for an Easter basket for Dave, Amy and David including matching father/son neckties - yes, they make infant-size neckties. They're adorable! - and my sister made Amy a bracelet/necklace/earring set that matches the ties. I figured since they bought matching leather jackets for Dave and David, matching ties and jewelry would be appropriate. I can't wait to see pictures!
Their e-mail and pictures tonight were beautiful. He is getting so big! Heavenly Father has been taking care of me, I know this. My next goal is to get myself ready to go through the Temple. Not that I plan on going through anytime soon, but I want to feel like I'm prepared for when the time comes. I want to live a good life.
The best thing I can do for David is be a birthmom he can be proud of. The best thing I can do for myself is to remember how strong I can be, and remember my divine nature. I'm not a bad person, and I deserve to be happy. I am a daughter of God. Jesus Christ's