My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ben and I met David and Amy last Friday, and we love them! We're placing with them for sure. We're wanting to tell them for Christmas. I'm adding a picture that shows one reason why Ben likes them. :) Yes, they did a face-in-hole of themselves as Star Wars characters. They're amazing.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Okay, Change of plans... David and Amy are going to be here (Utah) during Thanksgiving, so Ben and I are going to meet them before we tell them. The plan is to meet them at the agency, then if we still feel right about it I'll ask if they want to meet again the next day, then I'll leave, and my caseworker will give them their basket/invitation/announcement. If we don't feel right about them, then I won't ask if they want to get together again. I got cold feet a couple weeks ago, put it off for a bit, Ben got really really upset with me about it, but things are okay now. My little man has been moving more and more each day, and I've zoned out numerous times watching and feeling my tummy. It's incredible to feel the little life inside of me. I love him so much. I know now why people say they would give their lives for their children. I would do anything for this baby. I guess that's why I'm placing... I know I can't be a good enough mother. Not now, anyway. My time will come.
Monday, October 12, 2009
It's a boy!!! I'm 21 weeks pregnant, and I'm having a beautiful and perfect little boy. This week, I'm telling David and Amy that I've chosen them to be my little boy's parents, and eternal family. I'm so happy for them, but it's bittersweet, too. I'm finding it harder and harder to imagine my life after all of this. I love my little one so much... but I also know that it's not my time to be a mother. I'll write more later this week.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant. One week away from being half-way through my pregnancy. Ben officially broke things off and decided we shouldn't be together, afterall. That was July 7th. He brought his parents, sat in my living room and told my parents that he didn't love me enough to stay together and be a father. August 15, I saw Ben for the first time in over a month. We talked for all of fifteen minutes. August 19, I went up to visit Ben. We spent all night talking, and he told me he missed me, loved me and wanted to be with me. Instead of asking him if that meant that we would be together, be a family, raise our child together... I just said yes. Let's be together. Let's hold each other, right now, and work through this. During the next 2 weeks, Ben and I exchanged cute texts, fun messages, and sweet love notes. Then one day, I asked him if we'd be together as a family. He said no... essentially, he felt that we should still place the baby for adoption, then get married in a year or two. I freaked out, and I realized that I would never be able to do that. Or I thought I wouldn't. So I gave Ben an ultimatum - We would be a family and be together, or we would break things off completely. He got upset about being given an ultimatum, and things ended. Again. Last week, I visited Ben again. A few days later, I went up and stayed the night. We kissed, we held each other. I suddenly realized that I hadn't let go, and I couldn't let go. I'm not ready to get married, or have a family, and I know that placing our baby for adoption is the right thing to do. But I still need Ben in my life, and I can't give up on us. When I begged for forgiveness, asking him to give me another chance... he said no. So here I am. I forgave Ben instantly when he said he wanted to be together, but he won't give me another chance. I'm alone, I'm scared, and I miss him. I love Ben, I do. I can't deny that. I've been upset, I've been sad, but I've never hated him. I've always felt that we would be together, but I feel now that I've messed up way too much. He'll never take me back. He'll never accept me. I'm trying so hard to fix things, to be worth it, but I think that now I'll have to do this whole thing alone. The good news is, I've found a family for my little angel. Their names are David and Amy Harmon. In two days, I find out the gender of my baby. In a few weeks, I plan to tell David and Amy that I want them to be my baby's parents. The pictures I have right now are my pictures from my nine-week ultrasound. If you tilt your head to the right, the baby actually looks like a gummi-bear. Kinda cute.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Date of last menstual period: May 12, 2009 Date of conception: May 22, 2009 Gestation age: almost 9 weeks Fetal age: 7.5 weeks Positive pregnancy test: June 14, 2009 Told Ben: June 14, 2009 Told rest of family: Over the next two weeks. First Dr. Appointment: June 30, 2009 (saw embryonic sac and possible heartbeat!) Gender Guess(es): Sterling - Girl Meme - Boy Sisters - Boy Brothers - Boy Parents - Girl Ben - Not sure yet So right now he/she still looks like a sea-monkey... but that's okay! This little life inside of me is truly a miracle. My next Dr. appointment is on July 21, and hopefully Ben will be with me. We will (hopefully) be able to hear the heartbeat, and actually see the tiny beginning (estimated at about 3/4 of an inch from crown to rump right now, about 1.5 inches crown to rump at the appointment). Emotionally this is really difficult. I'm dealing with losing Ben, who is also my best friend, knowing I'm pregnant out of wedlock, and going through the repentance process all at once. It's difficult, and I'll admit that I'm a basket case most of the time. But I'm trying to be strong. I know so many women have been through worse, with no family support, so I know that I can do this. I'm transferring to Weber State University so that I can live at home during this pregnancy, and probably beyond. Ben will return to Utah State University (where we met). It hurts so much that we're actually splitting over this... but maybe it will be for the best. I have to keep hoping that I will find happiness someday with someone who loves me, knowing about all that is about to happen, and will still want to be with me for eternity. Although I can't imagine anyone except Ben right now, I have to keep my hope alive... after all, what else do I have? I've started referring to my baby as Angela Dupre - Angie for short - a name Ben and I had talked about a few months ago. Angela in memory of his sister who passed away in infancy, and Dupre for my mother's maiden name. I know that I may not have a choice on his/her name if I place him/her for adoption, but it's better than calling him/her bean or sea-monkay. If it's a boy... well, we'll figure that out if it happens. I don't care as long as this baby is healthy. No more diet coke, no more crap food (okay, maybe a few cookies!), and no more staying up all night (unless I'm blogging...???).
Ben and I (Sterling) have been dating for six months. A month ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. Unfortunately, a future together doesn't look like it's in the cards. I never thought something could hurt so much physically and emotionally. We had been planning a life together, but with the recent arguments and emotional strain we've put each other through, it doesn't seem like it will work out between us. So we're in the process of deciding what to do. We both love this baby already, but we also understand that it's unfair to bring a child into a life where it would be fought over by the mother and father from the very beginning. Besides that, due to religious affiliation, it would be difficult to decide who would be sealed to the baby, Ben the father, or me the mother. As I write this right now, I'm the most calm I've been in a while. I've gone through severe emotional trauma, and realizing that Ben will not be a permanent part of my life has been heartbreaking. Knowing on top of it that I may only have my baby for a few hours... it really hurts. But I know that I am strong enough to survive this. Hopefully this blog will be found by other women who find themselves in unfortunate circumstances. I pray that I can offer hope, comfort, and peace. Please feel free to leave messages. I could use encouragement and words of support, as well as try to offer sympathy for anyone else in my situation. I'm not a 'stupid teenager' who just got pregnant. I'm 20 years old, Ben is 23, and we're both old enough to have known better and realize the consequences of our actions. I always hear about teenage mothers who place their children for adoption... but this is my story. I love my baby. It's hard to think that I'm actually considering placing my baby for adoption... except that I know that it's possible to give this precious, beautiful baby more than what I can offer. Messages left in anger at me for not loving my baby enough, or taking the easy road out... please don't leave them. I cry every night, knowing that a few precious hours may be all I have with my child. I'm not giving my baby up... I'm giving my baby more.