My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Date of last menstual period: May 12, 2009 Date of conception: May 22, 2009 Gestation age: almost 9 weeks Fetal age: 7.5 weeks Positive pregnancy test: June 14, 2009 Told Ben: June 14, 2009 Told rest of family: Over the next two weeks. First Dr. Appointment: June 30, 2009 (saw embryonic sac and possible heartbeat!) Gender Guess(es): Sterling - Girl Meme - Boy Sisters - Boy Brothers - Boy Parents - Girl Ben - Not sure yet So right now he/she still looks like a sea-monkey... but that's okay! This little life inside of me is truly a miracle. My next Dr. appointment is on July 21, and hopefully Ben will be with me. We will (hopefully) be able to hear the heartbeat, and actually see the tiny beginning (estimated at about 3/4 of an inch from crown to rump right now, about 1.5 inches crown to rump at the appointment). Emotionally this is really difficult. I'm dealing with losing Ben, who is also my best friend, knowing I'm pregnant out of wedlock, and going through the repentance process all at once. It's difficult, and I'll admit that I'm a basket case most of the time. But I'm trying to be strong. I know so many women have been through worse, with no family support, so I know that I can do this. I'm transferring to Weber State University so that I can live at home during this pregnancy, and probably beyond. Ben will return to Utah State University (where we met). It hurts so much that we're actually splitting over this... but maybe it will be for the best. I have to keep hoping that I will find happiness someday with someone who loves me, knowing about all that is about to happen, and will still want to be with me for eternity. Although I can't imagine anyone except Ben right now, I have to keep my hope alive... after all, what else do I have? I've started referring to my baby as Angela Dupre - Angie for short - a name Ben and I had talked about a few months ago. Angela in memory of his sister who passed away in infancy, and Dupre for my mother's maiden name. I know that I may not have a choice on his/her name if I place him/her for adoption, but it's better than calling him/her bean or sea-monkay. If it's a boy... well, we'll figure that out if it happens. I don't care as long as this baby is healthy. No more diet coke, no more crap food (okay, maybe a few cookies!), and no more staying up all night (unless I'm blogging...???).
Ben and I (Sterling) have been dating for six months. A month ago, we found out that I'm pregnant. Unfortunately, a future together doesn't look like it's in the cards. I never thought something could hurt so much physically and emotionally. We had been planning a life together, but with the recent arguments and emotional strain we've put each other through, it doesn't seem like it will work out between us. So we're in the process of deciding what to do. We both love this baby already, but we also understand that it's unfair to bring a child into a life where it would be fought over by the mother and father from the very beginning. Besides that, due to religious affiliation, it would be difficult to decide who would be sealed to the baby, Ben the father, or me the mother. As I write this right now, I'm the most calm I've been in a while. I've gone through severe emotional trauma, and realizing that Ben will not be a permanent part of my life has been heartbreaking. Knowing on top of it that I may only have my baby for a few hours... it really hurts. But I know that I am strong enough to survive this. Hopefully this blog will be found by other women who find themselves in unfortunate circumstances. I pray that I can offer hope, comfort, and peace. Please feel free to leave messages. I could use encouragement and words of support, as well as try to offer sympathy for anyone else in my situation. I'm not a 'stupid teenager' who just got pregnant. I'm 20 years old, Ben is 23, and we're both old enough to have known better and realize the consequences of our actions. I always hear about teenage mothers who place their children for adoption... but this is my story. I love my baby. It's hard to think that I'm actually considering placing my baby for adoption... except that I know that it's possible to give this precious, beautiful baby more than what I can offer. Messages left in anger at me for not loving my baby enough, or taking the easy road out... please don't leave them. I cry every night, knowing that a few precious hours may be all I have with my child. I'm not giving my baby up... I'm giving my baby more.