Every now and then, I get blindsided by something that gets me so emotional that I just HAVE to write about it. But then I realize that if I write about it, then I run the risk of the person/people I am hurting over reading it. So I chicken out. I suppose that is what a journal is for.
But, I am opening up now. Almost three years ago, my step-dad died. I miss him terribly. If you have read more than a few posts, you will know he made a huge impact on my life and I have been changed for the better because he was in my life. I long for the day I see him again. For a while after his death, I handled it pretty well because I still had his family ("my" family) to lean on and when I was with them I felt connected to him again. Since then, life has happened, misunderstandings, families have fallen apart, and somehow in the midst of it I lost most of them. I miss my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins... and especially my sister (step-sister, I guess). I check up on them now and again through Facebook, just to make sure they are doing well and happy. For some reason today I am feeling especially sentimental and just wish I could make everyone make peace with everyone else.
Unfortunately, I know that won't happen. My picture has been taken down (literally), my side of the family all but forgotten or written off. Loyalties have been tried and, sadly, blood won out. It is devastating but it is what it is. I have done all I can do, and lately I feel that gap getting wider.
Argh! It is so frustrating! Wanting to just love and care about people, but they won't let me! It is so out of my control, and I can't stand it. I have prayed, visited (or at least tried to visit), given space, expressed how much I care, but I feel like I am hitting a brick wall.
If I have learned anything in the last 4+ years, it is that family is the MOST important thing. I just don't know what to do when the family you long to be near, the family you want to feel connected to won't let you. What do I do? Someone help me... What do I do?
Do I let go? Do I keep trying?