This question goes out to my fellow birthmothers. This thought has been on my mind a lot lately as I've met birthmothers who either placed twice, or placed once and then parented.
If you became pregnant again, in the same situation as before, would you place again?
To couples who have adopted, what would your reaction be to finding out your child's birthmother was expecting again?
I'd really like input on this. I think it is a terrifying question.
it is a HUGE pet peeve of mine when birthmothers who have placed get pregnant again, esp right away, with another baby and their circumstances have NOT changed, at all, and are often worse, and they decide to parent.
ReplyDeleteummm excuse me?! then why did you place the first and not the second, if you can parent the second time, why couldnt you the first? are you really doing this for your child or is it for you? to replace 'the loss' of the first baby?
i call bs and say its the birthmom acting on her feelings from the last child and selfish emotions regarding her 'loss'.
if the circumstances have changed since the last pregnancy, well then thats a different story.
I would never wish harm or anything bad on MaCee's birthmother, but if we got a call that she was expecting again and wanted to place with us AGAIN I would be so excited, touched, I don't even know what! I would love another little one and I don't know if Mike will be willing to go through the process again, but I think if somehow miraculously another baby came into our lives he would! I can't even begin to judge the birthmothers side because I have no idea what it feels like to place, all I know is how amazing it is to be an Adoptive mommy! Love ya lots, hey message me your address so I can send you a Christmas card!
ReplyDeleteThis is a GOOD topic. I thought about it just the other day. If I were to become pregnant again, with the same circumstances and resources that I have now, I hope and pray that I would have the strength to place again. I would be very disappointed in myself in getting me into that situation but no doubt I would place. Not a question in my mind. Not a single doubt. I also hear of birthmoms who get pregnant very quickly after they place and keep the secondary child....I just pray that God is watching over them. There is a very real psychological issue called "replacement baby syndrome" that occurs in cases of abortion, infant loss, adoption, etc. I'm not saying that women who have subsequent children after placing all have this syndrome, not at all, but it is something to be highly aware of, simply because a child deserves the best start he or she can have in life, and the psychological implications are very dangerous if a mom has not worked on her grief/trauma from the first loss.
ReplyDeleteI would ABSOLUTELY!!! Do it again! I don't want to have to be in that situation where I would need to but if I was I would definitely place!
ReplyDeleteThis actually did happen with our son's birth Mother. She became pregnant about a year and a half after he was born. We didn't find out about it until right before her daughter was born when she emailed to tell us that she had just gotten married. Honestly, I was shocked. At the time, I couldn't help but think that Jacob could have had a sister if she had decided to place again instead of marrying her daughter's father. But I was happy for her because she seemed happy. Her marriage only lasted a year and I grieved for yet another loss for her. She has since remarried and has been sealed in the temple and we hope that she has found eternal happiness with this husband.
ReplyDeleteIf our son's birth mom got pregnant again and was in the same situation she was in before, my heart would break for her.
ReplyDeleteI don't pretend to know what decision she would make (the second time around) and I wouldn't expect her to choose adoption or even to choose us again, but I would try to help her in any way, no matter what she chose.
I've had people ask me if I wished she would get pregnant again, so my son could "have a sibling" and that completely sickens me to hear that. Why would I want her to experience that again?! Are you kidding me?!
That being said, if it did happen a second time, and she chose adoption again and she chose us to parent again, we would love and support her as we do now. But I hope it doesn't happen again to her!
No way. I couldn't do it again. I always feel for the birthmother's that did for one reason or another feel that need again.I just couldn't live through it again.
ReplyDeleteHonestly I would be a little shocked. People have asked me if I think she would have another unplanned pregnancy and it feels like a punch in the guts! Like Brittany - it sickens me to hear it. The people asking have no clue! There are no words! Even though she was so strong at placement, I would never wish her to go thru it again. Of course we would support her in any possible way if she does get pregnant - regardless of her choice to parent or place.
ReplyDeleteThere are four girls who placed around the same time I did who got pregnant again soon after. Not one of them placed a second time. I have never asked them why, I figure it's none of my business. It makes me sad though. I am happy with the way things have turned out because of my choice to place and I hope that if I'd found myself in that situation again I would have placed a second time. It is important to me that each of my children have the best possible life, and I didn't have the means to provide that.
ReplyDeleteI think if the Lord asked me to do it again then I would. That's all it really comes down to. If I am meant to parent the child. But I know the answer would be "no" if I was in the same situation as last time. If marriage wasn't an option then we are told to place so our baby can have the blessings of the sealing covenant. I was talking to Tayler about this the other night if I could just have babies and not feel the pain/hurt of labor or the attachment/grief of placing our baby then I would just have babies for the couples who couldn't. I know it would be hard but if I was asked, I would do it. No questions asked.
ReplyDeleteMy son was born three years after my daughter was placed for adoption. It wasn't the perfect time nor was I sitting on a gold mine. But I made it work because if some people wait to the perfect moments to raise a child then you won't end up with a child of your own to raise.
ReplyDeleteWell FREAK Sterling!!! This is a toughy! I know why you brought this up though (at least I think I do) and I 100% support her decision in not placing the second time. I think about this all the time, and I don't think I could place a second time either. However, that is not to say that I regret placing Will for adoption. I just think that I have grown and matured and have learned so much through that experience, that if I found myself with that positive prego stick in my hand again, that I could do it. I know I could make a great mom, even if I had to do it on my own. I also know that I don't have to be filthy rich to make a safe and wonderful life for my child. I know that I would always put him/her first, and I would do everything in my power to make sure he/she is the happiest little baby out there. I just know now that I could do it.... I also know that I couldn't have done it without going through my experience the first time.
ReplyDeleteI don't know... it's tough to put into words.
What would you do?
Val, I actually wasn't posting because of that. :-) I fully support her decision as well. It's just been interesting to come across so many different girls in that boat a second time. I can't even imagine.
ReplyDeleteI would never want my son's birth mom to have to make that decision again. As the other poster's said, I get that all the time from people saying it would be cool for her to have another baby and place with us. "Cool"???? really people? How would that be cool for her to give away her heart again so we can complete our family? Don't get and never will how people can think that. My heart would be broken for her and her family to have to face that again. I know it happens and I have seen both decisions, I am not in a postion to judge, I can only offer prayers and support. If our son's birth mom became pregnant I would love and support her with whatever decision she made, we are family and that's what family does.
ReplyDeleteagreed with val.. and stefanie. if i was asked to by the lord...yes. i trust him. however, through my first experience i feel i would emotionally and mentally be able to handle the situation and parenting would be a more realistic and achievable option. i don't feel it was before at all.
ReplyDelete