Pregnant After Placement

While I know I'm not up to the challenge this year of writing every day, I still want to make an effort to post MUCH more than I have recently. This month is National Adoption Awareness Month. I get so excited for this month every year because I go to my blogroll and almost ALWAYS have new blog posts to read!!! I'll have guest posts from Starlee, a dear friend of mine who had a huge impact on my decision to place, some close friends from group, and (YAY!) my mom... sharing her "birth-grandmother" story. I'm very excited about all of them, but this will be the first time my mom shares HER story. Hers is quite different from most birth-grandmother stories, so it will be great.

I decided to start off, I wanted to contribute a bit of my current personal situation.

Almost two years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and placed him into the arms of his eternal family. My life has changed so much since that time that I can hardly believe any of it was real anymore. I can still feel every emotion from that day, but sometimes it feels more like a dream than anything else.

As of today, I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I've been married for 17 weeks. Not quite a honeymoon baby, but pretty close! Bradley and I decided that even though we were both scared to death to have children so soon, we were both getting a strong "yes" each time we prayed about it. Little did we know that our little one was coming a LOT sooner than we anticipated!

The past three months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I sort of had the idea that being married and pregnant would be a fairy-tale and all the other hurt would go away. Of course, I was wrong. First, I felt a LOT of guilt. Not because I was pregnant, but because I know SO many people who would give anything to be pregnant. My heart was breaking for them, and what they would think of me. When you're pregnant and placing for adoption, you're seen as a God-send. When you're just pregnant because, well, you're pregnant... Feelings get hurt. I was afraid to tell people, especially my close circle of adoption-world friends.

I also started having very vivid dreams, mostly of little David. I would wake up feeling like I had to let go of that part of my life to truly enjoy this part. I was torn, and I didn't know how to be loyal to both sides.

I want to be a mother so badly... it's something I crave every day. I'm in awe of the life inside of me, and when Bradley and I first heard our baby's heartbeat, it was one of the most glorious sounds I have ever heard. But it's awfully reminiscent of another baby... another life. I'm still trying to figure out how to separate everything so that I can find joy in this new little life. I'm nervous about the hospital, and about going home. I pray every day that everything will be different, and that I'll be able to turn my emotions around.

I'm proud of where I am now. I was able to be married and sealed in the temple to the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm blessed to bring a child into this world, and to have my husband by my side every day. The number one difference I've found with this pregnancy is having a worthy, righteous man by my side CONSTANTLY. There's none of the back-and-forth, horrible mind games. I don't feel used, abandoned, or broken. I am whole. My husband loves me with all of his heart, and I love him right back with all of mine. I'm so grateful that I know the difference, and I pray that every girl who has ever been through a pregnancy alone will be able to know the difference. The Lord is amazing, and I know that the challenges I'm facing right now will only help to make me a stronger person.

I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring a child into this world. I'm grateful that I will finally have the title of "Mom" (it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!). I'm grateful that my husband is doing everything in his power so that I can be a stay-at-home mom and raise our children in a Christ-centered home. I am so blessed, and I still pray every day for others' pain to be lessened.

For those who read this and may feel pain or anger, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I want to find joy in my blessings, so please share that joy with me.