The ~Real~ Happy

So over the past two years, I have met many expectant single mothers. Some have placed, some have parented. Each have made a decision that has been tough. Each has had to really evaluate themselves... and I'm proud of almost every single one of them. They are great girls who became women.

Today I learned about the daughter of a dear friend who is expecting. My heart broke a little, thinking back on who I was when I was in that position. (Of being unwed and pregnant).

I was pretty selfish. Emotional. I didn't care much about my family, or expectations. I didn't have much of a belief in God, let alone a testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Why did I think back to who I was? Because I have made some very, very wrong calls on what I *thought* an expectant mother would decide for her child.

I am guilty of assuming that because a girl does not live the law of chastity, and doesn't initially seem to understand the importance of a family, they will not make the decision to place. I have been proven wrong on many occasions. Then, when I know a girl is absolutely not going to parent, she does.

It's not fair that I make these assumptions... because I'm almost positive that until I was well into my pregnancy, nobody expected me to place.  But then... my heart changed. I don't know when, or how, or exactly why. But I know that it did. I know that between June 2010 and December 2010, my world changed completely from "me" to "baby". My heart began to burn with the knowledge of an eternal truth - families are forever. My baby deserved an eternal family... not a "maybe" family.

As a new mom, with my own sweet baby, I still can hardly believe that I was able to place. It was so hard. But because of what I have NOW, it was all worth it - the unexpected pregnancy, the horrible and dramatic breakup (which ultimately ended up in happiness for both parties, separately), and the decision to live at home at age 20. It was because of all of that that I ended up meeting Bradley, falling into a love I never dreamed possible, and starting my little family. If not for my adoption experience, I would not have had so many opportunities open to me. I would not know so many wonderful people across the world.

Before I got pregnant, I was living a "happy" life. I thought I was happy. I thought I was in love. I thought life couldn't get any better.

But this... this is REAL happy. I have a firm faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know that I have been forgiven for the things of my past that hurt others. I know that I am a precious daughter of a Heavenly King. I am destined for incredible things.

My real happy is this - knowing that I helped create an eternal family, and through that experience, I desired my own. And now, every morning, I wake up to my wonderful husband next to me. I gaze at my daughter's beautiful face... and I am home. I am whole.

Sweet Baby Valerie

Ladies, (maybe a few gentlemen?) she is here! Our little Valerie Bo arrived on April 13, 2012 at 3:05 am. Hop on over to our ~Family Blog~ to read about her birth story (unmedicated!) and see hospital pictures. I'll blog soon about how different it has been from my last experience.

Motherhood so far has been amazing. It has been very difficult and scary, but I love this.

Giveaway over at The Blessings of Adoption!

A sweet friend, Angie, was asked to review an LDS-themed children's book about adoption!  She is sponsoring a giveaway on *her blog*, so check it out! (Also, I encourage you to check out her other posts!)

I am always searching for positive and/or LDS adoption books. If you know of any, please comment!

In case anyone is wondering...

Yes, I am terrified to become a mother.  Do I regret that we decided to start our family so soon? Not one bit.

Brad and I were snuggled up watching TV last night, discussing if I should pick up a shift on Saturday or not. He said not to, because it is the day before baby will *hopefully* be here, and he wanted to spend the day together. It suddenly hit me... we are down to the last few days of *us*. If baby girl comes on Sunday, we will never have another Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday of our little twosome. While the thought brings tears to my eyes and makes me wish for just a little more time, I'm also so grateful. We prayed for this, and we both know it is an absolute blessing.

I know I will miss my alone time. I know that I will miss just having BradSter time. Somehow, though, I feel that it is going to be worth it.

So in the next few days, we have decided we are going to try to do some last-minute things together we wanted to do, but won't be able to (at least, for a while) once baby is here.

I'm not so nervous about the hospital as I am about bringing little girl home afterward... I know I can make it through labor and delivery. I don't know squat about being a mom!

Maybe the hospital will be more difficult than I'm anticipating. Will I relive memories?  Will I suddenly be preparing myself to grieve, because it's all I know how to prepare for?  We chose a different hospital, a different doctor, and a different birth plan than what I experienced with little David.  I do not have a parent who is struggling to stay alive.  I feel free and I know I have so many people who love us and care about us.  I have a husband who will be the only person in the room, holding my hand, and who will be the first to hold our little girl when she arrives.  The experience will be completely different... but I can't help but wonder, still, if my emotions and the bittersweet memories I have will come back full force. I pray that they won't, but I am preparing myself anyway.  This little girl will be mine, all mine. 

I am so grateful for Brad. I'm grateful that we will have our weekends and evenings together as a family. I'm grateful for this little girl who is about to come into our lives. Regardless of how long or short a time it takes for a child to come into the world, and by whatever means that child makes it into a family, it is always a miracle.

Little David was a miracle on many sides.  I'm soon going to experience my own miracle... without the heartache.  Oh little girl, mom and dad cannot wait to hold you in our arms!

(PS... My wedding ring is on the wrong hand in this picture, we took pictures of it on my tummy and when I put it back on, I put it on the wrong hand. Oops!!!)

Perspective

This will be a short post, but I've really been thinking the past week about February 2010, the month I placed little David into Dave and Amy's arms.  February 2010 also marks the 2 year anniversary since my beloved step-dad, Lynn Kraaima, became sick and slipped into a coma. It was only 11 days before I was due with little David, and I can still remember being in the ICU at McKay-Dee Hospital with him. I asked my mom if I could have a few minutes alone with him.

Lynn was unconscious by this point, and we wouldn't ever see him awake again. I started crying when my mom left the room and begged Lynn to wake up. I kept telling him that I couldn't do it [placement] alone, that I needed him, and I didn't know how I'd survive if he wasn't there to help carry me through. I held his hand and waited for a sign... any sign... that he would be there for me.

Lynn never woke up. Little David was born, and placement went flawlessly.

Knowing now that Lynn was never meant to wake up, and looking back and how perfect placement was, I truly believe he WAS with me.  Just before placing little David into Amy's arms, I took him into another room to feed him one last time. While in there, he got wide eyes and just stared past me into the corner of the room. That sweet little boy was so at peace in that moment, and I couldn't help but wonder who he was looking at. There was nobody else there.

Whether or not little David saw Lynn, I know that I did have his help at placement. More than anything, I had my Heavenly Father's help.

When Lynn passed away three months later, I gained a whole new perspective on placement and adoption.  I quickly went from "woe is me", in regards to placing and missing little David, to "I'm so grateful he is alive!".  Immediately after placement, I thought nothing could be worse than not holding "my baby". The empty arms feeling was devastating.  After Lynn passed away, I realized it could be much, much worse. Little David could be gone forever.  He could have died at birth, or been stillborn, or any number of things. But here I was, getting pictures and emails about a perfect, beautiful little boy who was happy and so full of life!  I may not be there to hold him, but I know that I will see him again in this earth life.  I know Lynn is in a happier place as well, but it will be some time (I hope?!) before I will see him again.

I still tell people I wouldn't wish the pain of placing a child for adoption on my worst enemy.  I also can say that losing a parent, for me, has been more painful.  I still have time to tell little David I love him (I do quite often in letters), but I so wish I had had more time to thank Lynn for everything he did for me, and tell him how much I love him.

I miss you, Lynn. I love you.