In case anyone is wondering...

Yes, I am terrified to become a mother.  Do I regret that we decided to start our family so soon? Not one bit.

Brad and I were snuggled up watching TV last night, discussing if I should pick up a shift on Saturday or not. He said not to, because it is the day before baby will *hopefully* be here, and he wanted to spend the day together. It suddenly hit me... we are down to the last few days of *us*. If baby girl comes on Sunday, we will never have another Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday of our little twosome. While the thought brings tears to my eyes and makes me wish for just a little more time, I'm also so grateful. We prayed for this, and we both know it is an absolute blessing.

I know I will miss my alone time. I know that I will miss just having BradSter time. Somehow, though, I feel that it is going to be worth it.

So in the next few days, we have decided we are going to try to do some last-minute things together we wanted to do, but won't be able to (at least, for a while) once baby is here.

I'm not so nervous about the hospital as I am about bringing little girl home afterward... I know I can make it through labor and delivery. I don't know squat about being a mom!

Maybe the hospital will be more difficult than I'm anticipating. Will I relive memories?  Will I suddenly be preparing myself to grieve, because it's all I know how to prepare for?  We chose a different hospital, a different doctor, and a different birth plan than what I experienced with little David.  I do not have a parent who is struggling to stay alive.  I feel free and I know I have so many people who love us and care about us.  I have a husband who will be the only person in the room, holding my hand, and who will be the first to hold our little girl when she arrives.  The experience will be completely different... but I can't help but wonder, still, if my emotions and the bittersweet memories I have will come back full force. I pray that they won't, but I am preparing myself anyway.  This little girl will be mine, all mine. 

I am so grateful for Brad. I'm grateful that we will have our weekends and evenings together as a family. I'm grateful for this little girl who is about to come into our lives. Regardless of how long or short a time it takes for a child to come into the world, and by whatever means that child makes it into a family, it is always a miracle.

Little David was a miracle on many sides.  I'm soon going to experience my own miracle... without the heartache.  Oh little girl, mom and dad cannot wait to hold you in our arms!

(PS... My wedding ring is on the wrong hand in this picture, we took pictures of it on my tummy and when I put it back on, I put it on the wrong hand. Oops!!!)

Perspective

This will be a short post, but I've really been thinking the past week about February 2010, the month I placed little David into Dave and Amy's arms.  February 2010 also marks the 2 year anniversary since my beloved step-dad, Lynn Kraaima, became sick and slipped into a coma. It was only 11 days before I was due with little David, and I can still remember being in the ICU at McKay-Dee Hospital with him. I asked my mom if I could have a few minutes alone with him.

Lynn was unconscious by this point, and we wouldn't ever see him awake again. I started crying when my mom left the room and begged Lynn to wake up. I kept telling him that I couldn't do it [placement] alone, that I needed him, and I didn't know how I'd survive if he wasn't there to help carry me through. I held his hand and waited for a sign... any sign... that he would be there for me.

Lynn never woke up. Little David was born, and placement went flawlessly.

Knowing now that Lynn was never meant to wake up, and looking back and how perfect placement was, I truly believe he WAS with me.  Just before placing little David into Amy's arms, I took him into another room to feed him one last time. While in there, he got wide eyes and just stared past me into the corner of the room. That sweet little boy was so at peace in that moment, and I couldn't help but wonder who he was looking at. There was nobody else there.

Whether or not little David saw Lynn, I know that I did have his help at placement. More than anything, I had my Heavenly Father's help.

When Lynn passed away three months later, I gained a whole new perspective on placement and adoption.  I quickly went from "woe is me", in regards to placing and missing little David, to "I'm so grateful he is alive!".  Immediately after placement, I thought nothing could be worse than not holding "my baby". The empty arms feeling was devastating.  After Lynn passed away, I realized it could be much, much worse. Little David could be gone forever.  He could have died at birth, or been stillborn, or any number of things. But here I was, getting pictures and emails about a perfect, beautiful little boy who was happy and so full of life!  I may not be there to hold him, but I know that I will see him again in this earth life.  I know Lynn is in a happier place as well, but it will be some time (I hope?!) before I will see him again.

I still tell people I wouldn't wish the pain of placing a child for adoption on my worst enemy.  I also can say that losing a parent, for me, has been more painful.  I still have time to tell little David I love him (I do quite often in letters), but I so wish I had had more time to thank Lynn for everything he did for me, and tell him how much I love him.

I miss you, Lynn. I love you. 

Three days.

I've been struggling internally with myself. Three days ago, I found out Ben got engaged. At first, I was angry. Upset, making stupid little remarks in my mind like "yeah, like he's not going to screw THAT one up..."... and then as my blood is boiling over everything, a little thought came to mind.

What gives me the right to make such a judgement? What gives me the right to think I'm so much better?

Didn't we ultimately make the EXACT same mistake? But here I am, still seeking forgiveness of my trespasses with those around me, although I know I took the (incredibly difficult and heartbreaking) steps to be married in the temple to an amazing man. Yet I'm unable to forgive Ben and allow him the same happiness.

Why wouldn't I wish this kind of happiness on someone else?

I can't be truly happy and let go until I forgive. I thought for a time I had, but I realize now that it was just jealousy. It was my mind saying, "Why can things work out so seemingly perfect with someone else, but they didn't with me?"... well, dumb question. One, it wasn't right. Two, we weren't living our lives to be worthy of an eternal happiness. But now we have our separate lives, and somehow (miraculously!) we have both straightened ourselves out - but we had to be separate. It wasn't his fault or my fault. It just had to happen. And now we are both being blessed for it.

The night before last, I had a really hard time sleeping. My mind was racing. I was bouncing between thoughts of, "What if they become Dave and Amy's favorites?" (A senseless thought, I know... but don't judge a sleep-deprived pregnant woman!) "I don't know how to be mother, I only know how to get to the point of delivering a baby!" "Why did I have to mess up what could have been a potential friendship so badly?" and "I am so scared to be a mother!"... Truly, my mind was out of control. After an hour and a half of tossing and turning, I rolled over and told my sweet, dear Bradley what was on my mind. How scared I was. How angry I was. How somehow the fear I felt at becoming a mother connected to me still being angry at Ben for things that happened way before and way after placement. (Placement was truly perfect... blogpost on the left explains that). How I was trying so hard to forgive, but all I could do was be upset about things that happened over a year ago. Bradley held me for a while, kissed my forehead, and offered to give me a blessing.

He blessed me that I would be able to forgive. He blessed me that I would be able to find peace in becoming a mother. He blessed me that as we became a family, I would feel peace and be able to LET GO of the pain I had felt.

I fell asleep soon after the blessing. I spent the day yesterday in a silent prayer, trying to determine where my unsettled feeling stemmed from. What I finally realized is that I'm unsettled because though I am trying very hard to forgive, and as of this moment I am truly HAPPY for Ben and his cute fiance (I'll totally admit I blogstalk her... she's a fantastic writer), I haven't sought forgiveness myself. Knowing that I caused pain and sadness in someone else's life, for whatever reason, has really left me wide open.

In another world, had I known then what I know now, I think I would have handled the friendship/relationship between myself and Ben differently after placement. I used him as a crutch, without once thinking he was feeling the same pain. I silently blamed him for the mistakes prior to little David's arrival in this world. My mind had already determined that nobody could ever hurt as much as I did. It was no wonder things didn't work out! He needed someone separate and free of everything that had happened just as I did. Someone who didn't blame him. And someone who didn't resent him for the pain associated with everything we had been through - pain that I was just as much to blame for!

When I met Bradley and fell in love, it was so different from the feeling I had ever had in my relationship with Ben that I didn't look back. I was so blessed that Bradley found me. That he swept me off my feet. That he loved me because of who I was, and who I was trying to become. He has been my rock. He has been my stronghold when I'm scared or losing control. Bradley was what I needed, and absolutely what I wanted. He his handsome and kind and knows exactly what I need. He is so easy to fall in love with over and over, and he helped me make it to the temple. He wouldn't give up that goal himself, and he did everything in his power to help me make it there, too, so we can be together forever. I was able to because with Bradley, it was right.

My acting angry and vindictive disallows (in my mind) Ben from finding that same happiness. I would be selfish to not want these same blessings for him. Though I highly doubt a friendship will ever reform between us, I do hope he and his fiance know that I am happy for them. I hope they get to experience the blessings I've been able to experience with Bradley.

How lucky am I that little David will have not only his parents, but also BOTH birth parents set a great example for him? It doesn't happen often... if ever. Most people I talk to, one birth parent has gotten their life back on track and the other has gone off the deep end. I truly believe that part of the blessings we each have received from placement has and will be the opportunity to be sealed to our spouses in the House of the Lord for eternity.

My last thought for the day (maybe for a while, as it has been quite a process figuring it all out), is that I am indeed GRATEFUL to Ben's fiance (if she ever reads this, I hope she smiles at the word fiance... it's such a fun word when it's official!) for the example that she has (unknowingly) set for me. All I've heard about her (from mutual friends) and read from her are kind things. Even when I wasn't so nice to her. We spoke once on the phone when I was going through some angry changes, and instead of being cruel and hateful, she stood her ground but she was KIND. It's that kind of woman I'll be proud for little David to know. (Of course I'll still be a little jealous... in an I-want-to-be-the-favorite-aunt kind of way!)

Maybe someday I'll work up the nerve to ask her to guest blog for me. Until then, I'm wishing them the best.  They deserve it. If I deserved it, then they do, too.

The Lord works in mysterious ways. This is part of my healing. Not being angry anymore has helped me feel more at peace about being a mother. I'm not sure why, but I'm grateful.

Congrats, you guys. Being sealed in the temple is incredible. So, so incredible.

Oh, and here's a cool article that I love that talks about adoption and the sealing ordinance. From a birthparent perspective, it makes my heart SO happy. Especially the last line.
http://birthmothers4adoption.blogspot.com/2011/11/can-temple-ordinances-bring-adoptees.html

For those wondering what the heck I'm talking about with sealing and temples and all of the LDS mumbo-jumbo, please visit http://www.lds.org to learn more. You won't regret it. :-)

Basically, my husband rocks.

So a couple of days ago I was bent on a certain blog post I wanted to publish. It was written because I was angry and annoyed. I was almost done, when my computer died. Oops, forgot to plug it in. So I plugged it in, waited for it to restart, and when my page came back up - the post was gone. My husband says to me, "Hon, maybe it's a sign you weren't supposed to post that." ... I immediately got defensive, checked my "Edit Posts" page, and the entire post was there. But then we spent a half an hour talking about fire breeding more fire, and if I really want to call someone out for a wrongdoing, I should confront them directly and not in a blog post. Even though I assured him it wasn't directed at just the person I was upset with, and it had been a long time coming, he talked me out of posting it then. Now, in retrospect, I am grateful. I'm grateful I married a man who has enough sense to see the possible ugly outcome of what I would have considered innocent. I try to not be mean-spirited, but when I get on my high-horse... oh man. Had I posted what I wanted to, it would have caused a hailstorm of anger and backlash. I'm so glad he has more sense than I do.

I'm so blessed to have my amazing Bradley in my life. Now, I'm off to blog on our family blog about our baby girl! Oh, did I tell you we're having a girl!?

Australia - Holly is amazing.

I've blogged about Holly before, but I just want to talk about how much I love her again. We met about four years ago at USU, in the Aggie Marching Band. At the time, we had no idea we would ever meet up again in the adoption world. When I was expecting little David and planning to place, Holly and I started talking. She and Nate were seeking to adopt at the time, and I got a lot of crap from people because I didn't choose to place with them.
After placement, Holly became one of my biggest supporters. She helped buoy me up and gave me encouragement as I trudged through the first year after placement. I tried as much as I could to support her and Nate as they went through multiple failed placements. It was heartbreaking to watch.
Then, last May, they had their sweet little Miles placed into their arms. Oh that boy is so handsome! I got to spend a little time with them this past adoption conference, for which I am very grateful because they are being stationed in Italy. I know, rough life, right?
Anyway, Holly posted *THIS* today and I remember reading it months ago. It still makes my heart ache. But it is so beautifully written. It is worth reading and remembering. Even if you are going to Australia by plane, don't forget the others who are going by boat. Don't take it for granted.