My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Friday, October 29, 2010

Closing in...

This weeks has been awesome! Wednesday we went on a family picnic at a park near Dave's school. Amy made delicious fish tacos. We did a lot of talking and laughing... what could be better?

Thursday, Amy and I got all crafty-crafty. We bought different colors of felt, pretty (fake) pearls, and safety pins. With the safety pins and pearls, we made bracelets that look super cute, and you cannot tell are made with safety pins. Bo almost got into the bowl of pearl-beads, and has become so mobile that we had to relocate everything to the kitchen table. I can't believe how much he's crawling! With the felt and pearls, we made hair flowers. Super-cute hair flowers. The later it got, the more Amy and I giggled like schoolgirls. Poor Savannah got to be the model and went almost all night/day with a hair flower clipped on her collar. But she sure looked pretty!

Friday (today), we went to downtown Naples. We saw some huge homes, then walked along the beach for a while. We found some fun shells, and little Bo LOVED getting his feet wet and kicking in the water with his dad! We walked to the end of the pier and watched the dolphins. I know, right??? DOLPHINS!!! So while we were walking back along the pier, an older gentleman walked up to Dave and Bo and held up a little fish to him. A shiny, live fish. He grabbed it. Giggled. Loved it. Then while Amy and I were grossed out (maybe Dave was? I dunno), the old man smiled and said "He'll be a fisherman yet!" and walked away. Very cute. Amy sanitized Bo's hands as soon as we got back to the car. After that, we walked around downtown for a little while, ate Abbott's custard, then headed home. We hollowed out a pumpkin, cut leg holes in the pumpkin, and plopped adorable Bo inside. He was he most adorable kid-in-a-pumpkin I've ever seen!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Day 2

First of all, Dave and Amy are amazing. Second, I have had the best adoption conversations with them. Here are some pictures from today.
 Bo wanted to help us write our book. 
(He loved the clickety-clack of the keys!)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Best quote (oh, and part 1 of my trip to Florida)

"Okay, and I know that Joseph and Hyrum are not little boys who run around and poop their pants... but still."
   I will not say who said this, but I'm fairly certain it was a lot funnier because we are all so tired from lack of sleep.

I've been here for just over 24 hours, and it has been amazing. Amy and I spent a good part of the day just visiting. This evening we went to the beach to try to get silhouette pictures... which sort of worked, and sort of not. I'm working on editing a few right now. If they get worked out, I'll post more.

I cannot believe how big David is. I've actually gotten used to calling him Bo, so I'll just say Bo. Anyway, Bo is not a baby any more... he's a little boy! I can't believe it! He is beautiful and perfect. See for yourself!

(PS - Amy and I worked on our book today... we're very excited about this.)

Saturday, October 9, 2010


The only word that feels adequate right now is one I've seen floating around the blogworld recently...


Okay, now that THAT's off my chest...

Here is a link to a beautiful story. I blogstalked Alli for a few months prior to placement, after placement, and have since met her (at the 2010 National FSA Conference!!) and she joined me at my LDS Family Services support group meeting. This woman is amazing, and you will love her. (And I totally just finished bawling my eyes out at her story.) Read her here . Also, feel free to float around on Birthmothers4Adoption . It will be well worth your time (and tears!!).

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

taking a page... music

I get my best ideas from other bloggers. So, as per usual, I took a page out of mrs. r's book. Read her most recent post, it will make you cry (in the best way).

I drive... a lot. I'm a delivery driver. Not ashamed to admit it, because I do very well on tips and it works GREAT with my school schedule. Besides, how many people can rock a "Pie" t-shirt and baseball cap like I can? Ha.

I spent a lot of time in the car when I was pregnant, singing and talking to the tiny life inside me. I made up songs, I sang lullabies my mother sang to me, and I made promises... and thus far, I've kept every promise I made to that beautiful little boy.  (Even the goofy ones... like promising a life of sunshine. Funny how things work out... Florida is the "sunshine" state!)

Music is my world. I don't remember a time when music wasn't part of my life. My amazing mother would have music playing in the house when I was younger, and encouraged me to join music programs at school. Little did I know, music would become not only my passion, but also my physician, psychiatrist, diary, best friend, sweet escape, and, sometimes, a painful reminder.

When I first met Dave and Amy (the day after Thanksgiving, 2009), they gave me a little gift. The assured their families and caseworkers (haha!) that it wasn't bribing. Luckily, I was still oblivious to adoption scammers and bribery. (I love you, Amy!) I clutched that "Celtic Woman - A New Journey" CD to my chest as we drove away from Chili's that night. I could only think, 'How did she know? How could they possibly know?'... I have a secret passion for Celtic Woman, and I had somehow gone years without actually owning a Celtic Woman CD. That night, and almost every night until just before delivery (I believe it was when Lynn went into the hospital), I fell asleep listening to that CD. It soothed my troubled heart. It brought back memories of happy times. Somehow, that little act (along with my strong confirmation, to be talked about later. Maybe.) helped me know that Dave and Amy were the ones. How seemingly insignificant that act may have seemed to anyone on the outside... but it was perfect.

After placement, I couldn't listen to "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours" without crossing my arms across my body to hold myself together and try to control the grief that would rock through me. But I forced myself to listen to it. I forced myself to listen to "Blessed" by Elton John (the song I've personally dedicated to my sweet David), "Goodnight, My Angel" by Billy Joel (though I like the 'Celtic Woman' arrangement better), and "Hardest For Me" by Michael McLean. These songs, along with many others, helped me before placement... surely I could still find peace in them, if only I wasn't so afraid of reliving all of my emotion. Slowly, but surely, I began to love the simple music I had so greatly relied on before. I found more songs that I tied to adoption, to motherhood, to grief and loss, and I made them my own. I have a soundtrack to my life constantly playing in my mind. In the past few months, my own lyrics and music have interwoven themselves into this constant playlist. I'll start singing "my" song, the song that describes my own heart, while I drive at work. While I drive to school. I even caught myself singing while I was working on one of my mannequins at school... oops. Slowly, music is helping my heart mend. It is giving sound and life, rhythm and feeling, depth and passion to the musings of my soul.

I wrote a journal entry not too long after placement about how nervous I am for the future and wondering if I'll ever find a man who will understand that David is very much a part of my life, and will hold a piece of my heart forever... and will be willing to share that piece. So, with the *hope* that those who read my blog aren't the stealing types, I want to share a small (and very, very simple) sample of lyrics (since I can't find a way to record the music I hear in my mind) I've written to embody my feeling.

(these are not complete lyrics, just bits and pieces... I feel the need to share them right now)

I've felt true love before
I know deep sorrow, too
when I looked into his dark brown eyes
I saw perfection, pure and true
So as I share my story
Please know I'll sometimes cry
When I think about the joy he brought
And the pain that was 'goodbye'

He's two years old
He has my eyes
He's his momma's gift from heaven
He's his daddy's "little guy"
I let him go so he could live
the type of life I couldn't give
back then
and I pray that you will love the part of me
that still belongs to him

I invite you to view the two videos I made. (Links are posted on the left column, or HERE and HERE) One, I made while waiting for Dave and Amy to open their very special Christmas Present last year. The other, I made a few weeks after placement. I think another is long overdue... but I haven't felt in the right spirit to make it yet. I feel that I'm waiting for something. Whether it be a big event or some form of closure, I'm not sure.
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