Yes, I am terrified to become a mother. Do I regret that we decided to start our family so soon? Not one bit.
Brad and I were snuggled up watching TV last night, discussing if I should pick up a shift on Saturday or not. He said not to, because it is the day before baby will *hopefully* be here, and he wanted to spend the day together. It suddenly hit me... we are down to the last few days of *us*. If baby girl comes on Sunday, we will never have another Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday of our little twosome. While the thought brings tears to my eyes and makes me wish for just a little more time, I'm also so grateful. We prayed for this, and we both know it is an absolute blessing.
I know I will miss my alone time. I know that I will miss just having BradSter time. Somehow, though, I feel that it is going to be worth it.
So in the next few days, we have decided we are going to try to do some last-minute things together we wanted to do, but won't be able to (at least, for a while) once baby is here.
I'm not so nervous about the hospital as I am about bringing little girl home afterward... I know I can make it through labor and delivery. I don't know squat about being a mom!
Maybe the hospital will be more difficult than I'm anticipating. Will I relive memories? Will I suddenly be preparing myself to grieve, because it's all I know how to prepare for? We chose a different hospital, a different doctor, and a different birth plan than what I experienced with little David. I do not have a parent who is struggling to stay alive. I feel free and I know I have so many people who love us and care about us. I have a husband who will be the only person in the room, holding my hand, and who will be the first to hold our little girl when she arrives. The experience will be completely different... but I can't help but wonder, still, if my emotions and the bittersweet memories I have will come back full force. I pray that they won't, but I am preparing myself anyway. This little girl will be mine, all mine.
I am so grateful for Brad. I'm grateful that we will have our weekends and evenings together as a family. I'm grateful for this little girl who is about to come into our lives. Regardless of how long or short a time it takes for a child to come into the world, and by whatever means that child makes it into a family, it is always a miracle.
Little David was a miracle on many sides. I'm soon going to experience my own miracle... without the heartache. Oh little girl, mom and dad cannot wait to hold you in our arms!