My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

One year. Wow! I already mentioned this on my Facebook page, but this is the one-year anniversary of announcing to David and Amy that their little angel would be joining their family. I can hardly believe it's been a year.

Right now, I'm watching "White Christmas" with my momma and drinking honey-lemon tea. I'm one of those lucky people who decided to get a beast of a chest cold just in time for Christmas. Yay me!

I'm still not sure exactly how Christmas will be this year. Last year, we had five people on Christmas morning. This year, we will have two. Lynn is not here in person. My prayer is that he is here, for my mom's sake, in spirit. We'll be spending time with his side of the family tomorrow, and that will be very healing.

On Wednesday I saw David, Amy and Bo. It was so wonderful! We went to lunch, went to support group (he was the star of the show!), then went to see my Meme (grandmother). I made a huge step, though! I didn't cry when we parted, and I didn't feel the need to cry. Yes, it may have something to do with knowing that I'll see them next week, but still! It's not an unbearable ache to hold him in my arms forever. I still miss him terribly, but each time I see the three of them together I am more reassured that he is THEIRS. It makes me so happy.

And seriously... he is the most beautiful child. I'll post pictures later.

For now, Merry Christmas, everyone. My prayers are with all of you tonight. May happiness and joy be yours this Christmas season!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Heaven help me

Remember Road 1 and Road 2? This is more difficult than I thought it would be... I've always prided myself on being strong and brave, but the one thing I can't seem to be strong or brave enough about is walking away. I'm still clinging to something that doesn't love me back.. Though my heart is breaking, I know it's the only one that is.

"Close my eyes and I count to ten, everything will be wonderful again..."

How do you survive a broken heart? The movies and books make it seem so easy...

Monday, December 6, 2010

Adoption Rocks! Giveaway from DesignMyBusiness!

I love giveaways. I seriously do. And the best part about giveaways is seeing these beautiful gems go to my favorite people!

I now have an "Adoption Rocks!" tile necklace, thanks to the beautiful designers at DesignMyBusiness! They have generously donated another beautiful necklace for this giveaway. DesignMyBusiness believes all those involved in the adoption triad are truly Rock Stars!

To enter, leave a comment and tell me what you hope to accomplish by being an adoption advocate. Also leave your email so that I can contact you!

Other ways to enter (leave a SEPARATE comment for each entry, and leave your email with each comment)

1)Friend me on Facebook!

2)Follow my blog!

3)Tell me who you would wear this necklace in honor of, and why. :-)

Yay adoption! Also, to purchase one of these beauties (or other fun jewelry!) check out !

(They do custom designs, too!)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Would you do it again?

This question goes out to my fellow birthmothers.  This thought has been on my mind a lot lately as I've met birthmothers who either placed twice, or placed once and then parented.

If you became pregnant again, in the same situation as before, would you place again?

To couples who have adopted, what would your reaction be to finding out your child's birthmother was expecting again?

I'd really like input on this. I think it is a terrifying question.

Friday, December 3, 2010

quick before it's gone

Whenever I have an amazing experience, I feel this incredible urgency to blog about it before it's gone.

Even before writing it, I know it will sound lame. But tonight was... powerful.

For the past 5 years, we've gone to Michael McLean's "The Forgotten Carols". We used to do Cottonwood High, then Logan, now Ogden. The show is a little different every year, and it's always so exciting to go.

Tonight, I initially was not in the mood for it. My mind was on a million other things. Then, the very beginning hit me full force. A simple tune I've become so familiar with because I've been listening to 'The Forgotten Carols' for years now. The sound of a flute, clear and strong, rang out above the crowd. I got chills.

Although the story is about a woman who has never known how to love, and has never believed in Christmas of any form, I was able to feel the story personally. The message was of Christ's existence, his miraculous birth, and the importance of the love of God in our lives. I cried many times during the show. The music was overwhelming, and I felt like it was piercing my heart. It was not a musical masterpiece but, for me, finding deeper meaning in music and words I was already so familiar with was amazing.

At the end of his performance, Michael McLean has everyone join hands ("I believe in linking!") and sing the line, "we will be together forever someday" over and over. Never before has that meant so much. To my still-young, 21-year-old heart it was comforting and emotional. I thought of David, Amy, and Bo. I thought of Lynn. I thought of my own future. How blessed we are that we can be an ETERNAL family unit! How beautiful is the promise made to us that through repentance and righteous living, we will never be without those we love after this life!

God's plan of happiness is for each person. Individually. I was a little taken aback a few days ago when I thought of how much I love Bo, and the thought that immediately followed was that it is nothing compared to how much my Heavenly Father loves me. I can't imagine any greater love than what I have for Bo... but God's love is greater. It is the greatest.

Michael McLean told us tonight to imagine the Savior in any way we wanted to, whether it was as an infant or as the King of Kings. I know exactly how I picture my Savior.
I find a lot of peace in the idea of my Savior holding me in his arms. He does not want me to stay lost. He will seek me, if I seek him. He knows the pain I feel, and the desires of my heart. He knows, he understands, and he loves me. He is my shepherd.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

pick myself up

I know it seems that I have fallen off the face of the earth. I feel terrible. I even promised a wonderful friend that I would write a special guest blog post for her during NAWM, and alas... I let my emotions and current state of mind get the best of me. I hope I can have her forgiveness, as well as others around me who I have lost touch with in the past few weeks.

I won't go into details, but it has been a difficult time. My emotions have been running high, and I have been reliving a lot of memories I have never worked through. It has been draining, but necessary.

Over the next couple of weeks, as I feel stable enough to do so, I am going to focus my blog on grief and healing... and mostly on moving forward. Today in group, we talked about goals, success, and the path that leads to our success. As a Dr. Seuss fan, I loved the story that was shared:

The Zode in the Road
Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,
Who came to two signs at the fork in the road?
One said to Place One, and the other, Place Two.
So the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.
Well…the Zode scratched his head, and his chin and his pants.
And he said to himself, “I’ll be taking a chance
If I go to Place One. Now, that place may be hot!
And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?
On the other hand though, I’ll be sort of a fool
If I go to Place Two and find it too cool.
In that case I may catch a chill and turn blue!
So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two,
But then again, what if Place One is too high?
I may catch a terrible earache and die!
So Place Two may be best! On the other hand though…
What might happen to me if Place Two is too low?
I might get some very strange pain in my toe!
So Place One may be best,” and he started to go.
Then he stopped, and he said, “On the other hand
On the other hand…other hand…other hand though…”
And for 36 hours and a half that poor Zode
Made starts and made stops at the fork in the road.
Saying, “Don’t take a chance. No! You may not be
Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright!
“Play safe!” cried the Zode. “I’ll play safe. I’m no dunce!
I’ll simply start out for both places at once!”
And that’s how the Zode who would not take a chance
Got no place at all with a split in his pants.

This actually meant more to me than I could have imagined. I'm at a place right now where I need to make a choice. Unlike the Zode, I know where my paths lead. Road 1 will be rocky and painful at the beginning, but is the road that is necessary to take. I know I must take that road. Road 2 will be dark and empty, with more pain, and will never end. My problem is that I'm on Road 2 already. I am having a hard time letting go of promises that were made to me, even though I know they are empty. I have been hurt on Road 2, even though I keep seeing signs saying, "If you just keep going, eventually you might be happy. Even though promises keep getting broken and you keep getting hurt, you can't leave this road now. You're too comfortable here. You're addicted to this road." 

Road 1 is unknown to me, but I can jump from Road 2 to Road 1 at any time. I just need to make that choice. I know I need to make it. But it's terrifying. I know that I will be happy and successful on Road 1, and everything logical makes me know I need to be on Road 1. So why can't I just do it? Why can't I do what I know is right and true and best, and go to Road 1 and never look back? 

Because Road 2 really is an addiction. Not alcohol or drugs, but an addiction all the same. The problem with this addiction, is that I cannot wean myself off of it. I have to do it cold turkey. I have no other choice. I'm gathering all my strength, and I will do it. I deserve more than what I have received on Road 2. Road 2 has been destroying me, emotionally, mentally, and now physically. I can't be afraid of hurting Road 2, because Road 2 honestly hasn't cared about whether or not I'm there for a very long time. I feel sorry for Road 2, I feel responsible for Road 2's happiness. This is unhealthy. It is unfair. 

I am a Daughter of God. I have divine nature. I am worth so much more than I have ever allowed myself to believe. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated by Road 2. I don't deserve to be used and broken by Road 2. No matter the mistakes I've made in my past, I deserve to be treated like a princess. I don't know how I came to let myself be torn apart, but I will not let it happen anymore. I'm ashamed that I've let myself become this. But I have not lost all my pride. 

Road 1 is unknown. I don't even know if Road 1 will be nearly as exciting as Road 2. But Road 1 isn't making any empty promises. It is not promising me anything more than that I will be strong, free, and confident. Once I start on my journey on Road 1, I will still see Road 2 from time to time. I will be continuously reminded of the broken promises, the hurt, and the tears shed. I will never be completely separated from Road 2, but I will be protected by Road 1... even if I am the only person traveling Road 1 for a while. 

Road 2 claims to need me. I know it is not true. If Road 2 truly needed me and loved me, then I would not be hurting. 

Road 1... I will see you soon. I know you'll be there for me no matter what. And if I'm lucky, I will meet my eternal companion whilst traveling. 

To those reading this... and I never ask this... please send a little prayer my way. This will be one of the most difficult things I ever do. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 -Robert Frost, final stanza of "The Road Not Taken"
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