My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Remember, it's okay to miss him (My Story, part 2)

"Remember, it's okay to miss him and long for him. More importantly, it's okay when you start moving forward with your life. Your love for him will never fade... but the pain will. One day, you'll wake up and do something normal."

The first week I felt like I was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to break down or explode into a million pieces. I wandered around my house, searching for whatever was missing. I knew I wouldn't find him... but I couldn't sit still. I longed to hold something in my arms, to care for something. Engorgement was hell. I was in survival mode. I felt like I had no purpose. For nine months, my entire purpose had been caring for and nurturing the new life inside of me. Suddenly, the most purposeful thing I did was laundry. My heart ached and longed for David. I wondered if I would have been a good mom. I wondered if he would feel abandoned, if he missed me, if he would remember my smell and my voice.

Week two I smiled more, talked on the phone to my sisters more, and I started creating. I scrapbooked, I sewed, and I cooked. I did anything to keep my hands and mind busy. Of course, I'm always thinking about David. But it's easier to think about him and not cry when I feel like I'm doing something useful or productive.

Then, one morning during my third week, I woke up and didn't cry. I was able to look at pictures of my beautiful boy and be grateful for the life he is living. I finished registering for school, and I went back to work.

The fourth week I relapsed a little. I began to break down a little more often as David's one-month birthday got closer. I started to wish I didn't live so far from Florida. I wondered how I had ever thought I'd be okay with a 2,500 mile distance. I went to visit Ben's sister and her new baby girl. It was so hard to hold her sweet little girl, my son's cousin, and not long for David again. They have the same fingers and toes, and holding her made me feel complete again for just a few minutes. After we left, I cried from the deepest part of my heart. Then, I got my weekly e-mail with pictures from Dave and Amy... and again, I was reassured. Even in pictures, I could see the love connecting the three of them. They were meant to be together. I helped create a perfect, eternal family for someone else. He is so loved. Dave and Amy feel the same way about him that I do, or maybe even more.

This week, week 5, I've gotten teary a few times, and I found myself mentally spacing out in the baby section at WalMart. I also put together stuff for an Easter basket for Dave, Amy and David including matching father/son neckties - yes, they make infant-size neckties. They're adorable! - and my sister made Amy a bracelet/necklace/earring set that matches the ties. I figured since they bought matching leather jackets for Dave and David, matching ties and jewelry would be appropriate. I can't wait to see pictures!

Their e-mail and pictures tonight were beautiful. He is getting so big! Heavenly Father has been taking care of me, I know this. My next goal is to get myself ready to go through the Temple. Not that I plan on going through anytime soon, but I want to feel like I'm prepared for when the time comes. I want to live a good life.

The best thing I can do for David is be a birthmom he can be proud of. The best thing I can do for myself is to remember how strong I can be, and remember my divine nature. I'm not a bad person, and I deserve to be happy. I am a daughter of God. Jesus Christ's atonement was for me.


  1. Sterling, Wouldn't it be nice if all birthmoms had the perspective you share in your last paragraph!

  2. Sterling
    you don't know me and probably never will but my husband and I have been considering adoption for 4 years. I have known birth mothers and they are my dear friends. But i never fully understood their feelings until now. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts about one of the greatest experiences of your life. My hope is that when we do finally adopt, I will have as much charity for others in my heart as I see you do. Thank you.

  3. Sterling,

    I had the pleasure of meeting Dave, Amy and David a few months ago at an adoption conference. He is a sweet little boy. It is so wonderful to see your courage and have a glimpse into the feelings that our birth mother felt and continues to feel. You are amazing! You are right. You deserve every good thing that the Savior has to offer you. Your love for Bo and Dave and Amy is so touching.

  4. I found your blog through one of my friends... You have touched me more than you will ever realize. I have 6 children, and I am so grateful for each and every one of them:) You are one of the most selfless, beautiful people I have ever known:) I try to think how I would feel and I know that it would be so hard. You are so close to the Spirit and I know that Heavenly Father knows you and loves you so much. Thank you so much for your testimony. It is so precious to hear:) The Atonement is real and I know that you are definitely on the right path. Thank you again for helping me to realize how blessed I am:)You are such a special daughter of God and her loves you!

  5. Thanks for sharing your thoughts Sterling and a BIG thank-you to birthmoms, who unselfishly allow couples like us to have the opportunity of a life-time and for fulfilling our dream to become parents! May God bless each & everyone of you!

    Soon to be parents, Brian & Jennifer

  6. Thank you for sharing your story. Definetly helps me as a waiting adoptive parent see things from your side. Very inspring and again, thank you for sharing


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