My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Monday, May 31, 2010

breath in and out

I wasn't sure if I had the heart to post anything for memorial day. It seemed too cliche`. But then again, I'm the queen of cliche` so I might as well keep up my reputation.

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." - Sam Baldwin, 'Sleepless in Seattle'

I love this quote from Sleepless in Seattle. I watched a lot of sappy chick flicks right after I placed my little boy. This was one that I frequented via Netflix.

I think this is how it feels when we lose someone close to us. This is how I've been feeling every day since I knew Lynn was really passing away. When I would wake up, I'd keep my eyes closed for a moment longer, hoping it was one of those dreams where you thought you were awake, but you had to wake up again because you only dreamed you were awake. (Just think about it a minute, it'll make sense). All I could think was, "Another day. Here we go." Praying was hard, but necessary. I miss my dad so much...

Watching them close the casket at the funeral was the hardest part. I'll never see his face in person again... at least not in this lifetime. My heart was breaking, but it was really only breaking for those of us left behind. I know Lynn proved himself, he served his mission on this earth (I wonder if any of us realized part of that mission was to save me?) and was absolutely ready to move beyond the veil. I wish the veil was just a little thinner, or had some peek-holes or something... what I wouldn't give to hug him one more time. Just see him smile. I want to say something stupid, and make him laugh. It'll be a long time yet before that happens. I took everything for granted. I swear I will never do that again.

I love this song by Toby Keith. (I've always had a little celebrity crush on Toby)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

scarlet letter, or......


I think the latter.

I was talking to my mom tonight, and the conversation went something like this -
{my mom is a very wise woman, and I value what she says so much}

Me: It's not that I WANT to be in a high position in the church, I just don't think I'd ever be able to be called to one, 'cause people would say something like, "Oh, the second-counselor in the General Young Women's presidency had a baby out of wedlock, she's not a good example to young women."
My Awesome Mom: Or, they'd more likely say, "Wow, what a great example! She made a mistake, but made a selfless, righteous choice in placing her baby for adoption and strengthening her testimony in the process."  You could help a lot of girls who feel lost.
{insert warm fuzzy feelings here}
I love my mom. Walking down the street, nobody would be able to look at her and know that she was divorced, widowed, had a son go off the deep end, and a daughter have a child out of wedlock. Nowhere on her does she wear a scarlet letter. Instead, I'm pretty convinced that she secretly has a Superwoman symbol underneath her shirt.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

a strong kind of broken

Sometimes, I wonder if people can tell just by looking at me. I wonder if it's the reason why, when we briefly make eye contact, they quickly look away.
   Can they feel the pain, too?
Lately I've felt like my GaGa-inspired sunglasses are a shield. Not for me, but for others around me. I feel like the ache in my soul is just reaching, clawing its way out of me, trying to latch onto someone else. I know I've looked at people and sensed that they've suffered a great loss. There's something deeper in the way they meet your eye, the way they hold your gaze as if they're afraid to let go.
I know there's no way they can possibly know. I'm the only one who knows there's an elephant in the room (most of the time). But it still sometimes feels like my soul is going to shatter, and if I don't hold my arms around myself then my body will shatter with it.

I'm not just aching over David right now. I always ache over him. I always will. But I know he's safe, loved and warm. I felt my deepest sorrow and my greatest joy when David came into my life. I needed him.

My dad, Lynn, is passing away. After months of my praying, begging, pleading with the Lord, Lynn's body has signaled to us that he's ready to go. {not my will, but thine, o Lord}

We've brought him home so that his last days can be spent with the people he loves most - his family. We know he is seeing beyond the veil, and has been serving the Lord on the other side for some time now. It's just time for his mortal body to rest. I now know that Lynn was with me at placement. He was with my sister when she was robbed at work. He was with my mom these many months that she's sat by his bedside, so devoted. He is with me when I ache. I believe in guardian angels, and I have had experiences over and over that help me remember that the veil is so very thin. Lynn is there. He is preparing a beautiful, wonderful mansion in the eternities for my mother. He is spreading the gospel message to those who have passed on without a knowledge. I will be with Lynn again.

I cry a few times per hour. My chest feels like it will explode one minute, then I feel that familiar hollow ache the next. My dad, the man who helped carry me through my pregnancy (blessings at 3 am, letting me vent, bearing his testimony of my Heavenly Father's love), and the man who, by the way he loves and adores my mother, showed me how I deserve to be treated, will never leave my heart. I only knew him for just over 3 years, but he changed my life forever. I will cling to anything I can, I will mope, I will be tempted to hide away and never reenter the world. But I am at peace with the decision my family has made. I will be there for my mom, because she has always been there for me. I will hold my head high, because I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who will not let me be miserable for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I wonder if people can tell, just by looking at me, that I'm broken. Even if they can, I hope I'm a strong kind of broken. The cracks in my heart allow me to radiate more love to those around me. And I'm trying. I will love, I will give, I will serve. Lynn was my example, so I will live the way he taught me to.

Lynn - you are the father I didn't always have, and you never had to be. You didn't have to hold me when I cried, but you did. You didn't have to call me your daughter, but you did. You didn't have to put up with my attitude, my messy room, my piles of laundry... but you did. I love you so much. I always will. My children will always know how amazing their grandfather was. I pray that you are teasing them right now, preparing them to come down to a crazy mommy. I pray you'll watch over David, the little boy you helped me make the right, loving decision for. I pray he'll feel your guiding strength behind him his whole life. You are always in my heart. Forever, your daughter.

July 2007

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Not my post...

What I want to share this week isn't my own post. The guest blogger for the LDS Family Services Birthmother Bonds group today (Wednesday) is Amy... my Amy. Of course, I'm the one who picked the guest bloggers, so... Anyway. this link should take you there. It's a long story, but wow. It's powerful reading [what turns into] my story from the other side.

Oh, and David rolled over this past week. He's growing so fast!!!

Tee hee... sometimes, spit happens! :-)

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mother's Day (a day late)

I love Mother's Day. I won't lie, today was a little rough, but overall it went well.

I wish I could say something profound tonight... something that would bring everyone to tears (I'm okay with crying, it heals), but what's in my heart right now is pretty simple.

I love the experience I've gone through. I have two very important mothers in my life - my own mother, who has loved me unconditionally and has never ceased to leave me in awe of her strength, and Amy. Every time I think about Amy my heart feels like it will burst out of my chest. She has become like an older (far displaced) sister to me. More than anything, I'm grateful for what she is doing right now - giving her son (because he IS hers, completely) all of the love, care, and snuggles that he deserves. Little David deserves the world, and Amy is his world (and Dave, but this is a Mother's Day post, look for yours in June!) and I love her more and more every day.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! Happy Mother's Day, Amy!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


To my Eternal Companion,
I should probably tell you now... a part of my heart will always belong to another boy.
He is perfect, and everything I've ever dreamed about.
His name is David, and he is 10 weeks old.
He lives in Florida.
He has my eyes and lips.
He will be part of my life forever.
But I promise you, my heart can be shared. And I pray you can love him, too, because he is a very real part of me.


Never let anybody tell you what you can and cannot have in your future.

Never let anybody try to define you by what they DO NOT KNOW!

I had a conversation the other night that went something like this...

Me: My priorities have changed... my life has changed. I want to get married, have a family.  And I'll wait.
Stupid Jerk: What does marriage have to do with it? You need to get that silly idea out of your head.
Me: There are still people in this world who believe in marriage, just because you're not one of them doesn't mean someone won't someday love me for everything I am...and everything I am not... and want to make a lifetime and eternal commitment.
Stupid Jerk: Marriage doesn't mean crap. If you think that's what will keep a guy from walking out on you, you're wrong. He'll walk if he wants to. And he probably will want to. A piece of paper won't change that.
Me: No wonder you're so unhappy all the time. I still believe I'll have my fairytale ending, thanks.
Stupid Jerk: Fairytales don't exist. It's a fantasy people create to go along with some bogus religious beliefs. Live in the real world. Remember Jaclyn? (name has been changed)
Me: Yeah?
Stupid Jerk: She gives me that crap all the time - telling me she will meet a guy, they'll fall in love, get married, have a family. But here she is, 27, and has yet for that to happen. Her problem is that she's too hot to get married. Beautiful girls will never get married because the matching counterparts (I'll assume he meant good-looking guys) are only into one-night stands.
Me: Or maybe things just haven't been right yet. Way to trash her faith in men.
Stupid Jerk: That's your problem, too. You're too good-looking to ever get married. Guys who are actually into that fidelity crap won't ever go for you because it's assumed you'll cheat on them. So you should just be the girl who has no emotional attachment, go to bars, pick up a guy, get him home then be like 'buh-bye'.
Me: Yeah, because I'm like that.
Stupid Jerk: You should be, you'd be good at it.
Me: I can't do that. It's so wrong. I'll wait my entire life if I have to. But I'll have the life I dream about.
Stupid Jerk: Be prepared to end up a cat lady.

So I drove home crying. How could he think he has the right to tell me that I can't expect a fairytale? No, I don't expect a guy to come sweep me away on a white horse, and live happily ever after. But even though I have every right to NOT believe in love... I still do. I know it's there. I have seen it. And I know that it's okay to believe that I'll get married... have children... be with my family forever. That's the plan of happiness! Being told that nobody will ever love me... that hurts. So much. It takes a lot for me to keep my head up and keep moving forward after hearing stuff like that. I hear it all the time. But one thing I know - I know that I have the ability to love. And because I know that I can love, I know I can BE loved as well. I've been promised that someone will love me with all of his heart, and I will never have reason to doubt that love as long as I give myself to him fully. (I love my patriarchal blessing). I trust that my Heavenly Father will help me... in His time. I don't expect to meet a guy tomorrow and be married by December. But I know he's out there, waiting to meet me, too.

To my Eternal Companion - I'm becoming who you're looking for. It's been a long, hard road, but I'm almost there. I'm working hard, and I know that we will find each other. I love you already, and I know you already love me. I pray every day that when we do meet, I'll be able to feel the prompting of the Spirit to pursue a relationship. Until that day, stay strong. Don't lose hope. I'm here, I promise! We will be together forever. Love, Me

Sunday, May 2, 2010

at - ONE - ment

This week I've realized that, although I have a testimony of the atonement, I don't truly understand it. Happily, the Sunday school lesson today was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I wrote down some of the things that really affected me and helped me understand how incredible this sacrifice was, and how necessary for our salvation.

The Savior atoned for our sins by suffering in Gethsemane and by giving His life on the cross. It is impossible for us to fully understand how He suffered for all of our sins. In the Garden of Gethsemane, the weight of our sins caused Him to feel such agony that He bled from every pore (D&C 19:18-19). Later, as He hung upon the cross, Jesus suffered painful death by one of the most cruel methods known to man. 

How Jesus loves us, to suffer such spiritual and physical agony for our sake! How great the love of Heavenly Father that He would send His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for the rest of His children. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) (Taken from the Gospel Principles manual)

Justice and Mercy are upheld by the atonement - justice because the sins we committed have been paid for, and mercy because we are forgiven if we accept Christ as our mediator. (see President Packer's talk in the May 1977 Ensign, pp. 54 - 55)

Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for  our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father. (Packer, April 1977 General Conference)

Something that I loved today was learning the definition of the word "succor". We've all heard it, that Christ will succor those who mourn. But do we realize what "succor" actually means? It means to quickly come to aide, relief. The Savior will quickly come to our aide when we are aching! The pain that the Savior suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane wasn't just the pain from our sins... he suffered and felt all the pain we would ever feel. Every ounce of pain I feel from circumstances outside my control (such as Lynn's current medical condition) has been felt before... by Jesus Christ. He knows our pain, he knows what we feel, and he is there to hold us if we only go Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!

The Atonement means to come together. In Dan Brown's novel, The Lost Symbol, he breaks it down so simply ~ at - ONE - ment ~. Becoming one through the Lord. How beautiful it is that He loves us so completely, that he provided a way for us to overcome spiritual death. We are not alone. Ever.

It was for me.

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