Never let anybody tell you what you can and cannot have in your future.
Never let anybody try to define you by what they DO NOT KNOW!
I had a conversation the other night that went something like this...
Me: My priorities have changed... my life has changed. I want to get married, have a family. And I'll wait.
Stupid Jerk: What does marriage have to do with it? You need to get that silly idea out of your head.
Me: There are still people in this world who believe in marriage, just because you're not one of them doesn't mean someone won't someday love me for everything I am...and everything I am not... and want to make a lifetime and eternal commitment.
Stupid Jerk: Marriage doesn't mean crap. If you think that's what will keep a guy from walking out on you, you're wrong. He'll walk if he wants to. And he probably will want to. A piece of paper won't change that.
Me: No wonder you're so unhappy all the time. I still believe I'll have my fairytale ending, thanks.
Stupid Jerk: Fairytales don't exist. It's a fantasy people create to go along with some bogus religious beliefs. Live in the real world. Remember Jaclyn? (name has been changed)
Me: Yeah?
Stupid Jerk: She gives me that crap all the time - telling me she will meet a guy, they'll fall in love, get married, have a family. But here she is, 27, and has yet for that to happen. Her problem is that she's too hot to get married. Beautiful girls will never get married because the matching counterparts (I'll assume he meant good-looking guys) are only into one-night stands.
Me: Or maybe things just haven't been right yet. Way to trash her faith in men.
Stupid Jerk: That's your problem, too. You're too good-looking to ever get married. Guys who are actually into that fidelity crap won't ever go for you because it's assumed you'll cheat on them. So you should just be the girl who has no emotional attachment, go to bars, pick up a guy, get him home then be like 'buh-bye'.
Me: Yeah, because I'm like that.
Stupid Jerk: You should be, you'd be good at it.
Me: I can't do that. It's so wrong. I'll wait my entire life if I have to. But I'll have the life I dream about.
Stupid Jerk: Be prepared to end up a cat lady.
So I drove home crying. How could he think he has the right to tell me that I can't expect a fairytale? No, I don't expect a guy to come sweep me away on a white horse, and live happily ever after. But even though I have every right to NOT believe in love... I still do. I know it's there. I have seen it. And I know that it's okay to believe that I'll get married... have children... be with my family forever. That's the plan of happiness! Being told that nobody will ever love me... that hurts. So much. It takes a lot for me to keep my head up and keep moving forward after hearing stuff like that. I hear it all the time. But one thing I know - I know that I have the ability to love. And because I know that I can love, I know I can BE loved as well. I've been promised that someone will love me with all of his heart, and I will never have reason to doubt that love as long as I give myself to him fully. (I love my patriarchal blessing). I trust that my Heavenly Father will help me... in His time. I don't expect to meet a guy tomorrow and be married by December. But I know he's out there, waiting to meet me, too.
To my Eternal Companion - I'm becoming who you're looking for. It's been a long, hard road, but I'm almost there. I'm working hard, and I know that we will find each other. I love you already, and I know you already love me. I pray every day that when we do meet, I'll be able to feel the prompting of the Spirit to pursue a relationship. Until that day, stay strong. Don't lose hope. I'm here, I promise! We will be together forever. Love, Me
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
at - ONE - ment
This week I've realized that, although I have a testimony of the atonement, I don't truly understand it. Happily, the Sunday school lesson today was on the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I wrote down some of the things that really affected me and helped me understand how incredible this sacrifice was, and how necessary for our salvation.
The Savior atoned for our sins by suffering in Gethsemane and by giving His life on the cross. It is impossible for us to fully understand how He suffered for all of our sins. In the Garden of Gethsemane, the weight of our sins caused Him to feel such agony that He bled from every pore (D&C 19:18-19). Later, as He hung upon the cross, Jesus suffered painful death by one of the most cruel methods known to man.
How Jesus loves us, to suffer such spiritual and physical agony for our sake! How great the love of Heavenly Father that He would send His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for the rest of His children. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) (Taken from the Gospel Principles manual)
Justice and Mercy are upheld by the atonement - justice because the sins we committed have been paid for, and mercy because we are forgiven if we accept Christ as our mediator. (see President Packer's talk in the May 1977 Ensign, pp. 54 - 55)
Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father. (Packer, April 1977 General Conference)
Something that I loved today was learning the definition of the word "succor". We've all heard it, that Christ will succor those who mourn. But do we realize what "succor" actually means? It means to quickly come to aide, relief. The Savior will quickly come to our aide when we are aching! The pain that the Savior suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane wasn't just the pain from our sins... he suffered and felt all the pain we would ever feel. Every ounce of pain I feel from circumstances outside my control (such as Lynn's current medical condition) has been felt before... by Jesus Christ. He knows our pain, he knows what we feel, and he is there to hold us if we only go Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!
The Atonement means to come together. In Dan Brown's novel, The Lost Symbol, he breaks it down so simply ~ at - ONE - ment ~. Becoming one through the Lord. How beautiful it is that He loves us so completely, that he provided a way for us to overcome spiritual death. We are not alone. Ever.
It was for me.
The Savior atoned for our sins by suffering in Gethsemane and by giving His life on the cross. It is impossible for us to fully understand how He suffered for all of our sins. In the Garden of Gethsemane, the weight of our sins caused Him to feel such agony that He bled from every pore (D&C 19:18-19). Later, as He hung upon the cross, Jesus suffered painful death by one of the most cruel methods known to man.
How Jesus loves us, to suffer such spiritual and physical agony for our sake! How great the love of Heavenly Father that He would send His Only Begotten Son to suffer and die for the rest of His children. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16) (Taken from the Gospel Principles manual)
Justice and Mercy are upheld by the atonement - justice because the sins we committed have been paid for, and mercy because we are forgiven if we accept Christ as our mediator. (see President Packer's talk in the May 1977 Ensign, pp. 54 - 55)
Our sins are our spiritual debts. Without Jesus Christ, who is our Savior and Mediator, we would all pay for our sins by suffering spiritual death. But because of Him, if we will keep His terms, which are to repent and keep His commandments, we may return to live with our Heavenly Father. (Packer, April 1977 General Conference)
Something that I loved today was learning the definition of the word "succor". We've all heard it, that Christ will succor those who mourn. But do we realize what "succor" actually means? It means to quickly come to aide, relief. The Savior will quickly come to our aide when we are aching! The pain that the Savior suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane wasn't just the pain from our sins... he suffered and felt all the pain we would ever feel. Every ounce of pain I feel from circumstances outside my control (such as Lynn's current medical condition) has been felt before... by Jesus Christ. He knows our pain, he knows what we feel, and he is there to hold us if we only go Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit!
The Atonement means to come together. In Dan Brown's novel, The Lost Symbol, he breaks it down so simply ~ at - ONE - ment ~. Becoming one through the Lord. How beautiful it is that He loves us so completely, that he provided a way for us to overcome spiritual death. We are not alone. Ever.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
If only they knew...
I feel that I've been selfish. That I've focused so much on MY side of adoption, that I never took the time to fully think about things from the adoptive side. Today, I woke up to read Ashley's Guest Post on the r house blog. As per usual, I cried. I cried because I truly wish I knew - Why was I able to get pregnant so (seemingly) easily, when there are hundreds of thousands of waiting, ready, and God-loving women who desire so much to be mothers, but for whatever reason are infertile? Why must these women, who have been dreaming of having huge families their whole lives, go through the pain and heartache of infertility treatments? I have begun to realize that ANY pregnancy is a miracle. My pregnancy is a miracle. I've always talked about adoption as a miracle, and I'm beginning to realize that more and more.
I wish I could fully convey the feelings I have for the beautiful, wonderful women who may only be able to sustain a pregnancy once or twice, if ever at all. Birthmothers are often told that we are "angels". It's hard to believe such a thing when the usual reason for us becoming pregnant is because we were immoral in our actions. But the truth is, the mothers (in EVERY sense of the word!) that we place our children with are the true angels. I hope that they know how loved, adored, and special they are. Amy is my angel. I don't know if I can fully express my gratitude for her and Dave. That they were righteous, worthy, and ready to be parents when I knew in my heart that I couldn't be. They are David's parents, in this mortal life and in the eternities. It is thanks to them, and their willingness to pursue parenthood in a non-conventional way, that I was able to turn my life around and live my life so that when the day comes, I can be a mother, too. They gave me hope and encouraged me to turn to my Heavenly Father when it would have been so easy to walk the other direction. How many people have that kind of unconditional love??
How much more beautiful our world is, full of these wonderful mothers and fathers who truly understand the sanctity of life. Who know that any pregnancy is a miracle. Who know that being a mother or a father doesn't necessitate a biological child.
The r house posted this quote, and I would like to share it. I think it applies to ALL mothers (you know what I mean).
I wish I could fully convey the feelings I have for the beautiful, wonderful women who may only be able to sustain a pregnancy once or twice, if ever at all. Birthmothers are often told that we are "angels". It's hard to believe such a thing when the usual reason for us becoming pregnant is because we were immoral in our actions. But the truth is, the mothers (in EVERY sense of the word!) that we place our children with are the true angels. I hope that they know how loved, adored, and special they are. Amy is my angel. I don't know if I can fully express my gratitude for her and Dave. That they were righteous, worthy, and ready to be parents when I knew in my heart that I couldn't be. They are David's parents, in this mortal life and in the eternities. It is thanks to them, and their willingness to pursue parenthood in a non-conventional way, that I was able to turn my life around and live my life so that when the day comes, I can be a mother, too. They gave me hope and encouraged me to turn to my Heavenly Father when it would have been so easy to walk the other direction. How many people have that kind of unconditional love??
How much more beautiful our world is, full of these wonderful mothers and fathers who truly understand the sanctity of life. Who know that any pregnancy is a miracle. Who know that being a mother or a father doesn't necessitate a biological child.
The r house posted this quote, and I would like to share it. I think it applies to ALL mothers (you know what I mean).
You are the poem I dreamed of writing,
the masterpiece I longed to paint.
You arethe shining star I reached for in my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled.
You are my child.
Now with all things I am blessed.
the masterpiece I longed to paint.
You are
You are my child.
Now with all things I am blessed.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
That's Who I Am
If I make it to 100 and never see the seven wonders, that'll be alright.
If I don't make it to the big league, if I never win a Grammy, I know I'll be just fine
'cause I know exactly who I am.
When I make a big mistake, when I fall flat on my face, I know I'll be alright.
Should my tender heart be broken, I will cry those teardrops knowin' that I will be just fine
'cause nothing changes who I am.
I'm a saint and I'm a sinner.
I'm a loser, I'm a winner.
I am steady and unstable.
I am young but I am able.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love this song by Jessica Andrews (I took the chorus out)
I tried a little experiment tonight. One year ago next month, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and analyzed myself, making a mental note of everything I would change about myself if I could. I can't believe I did this, but I actually wrote it down in my journal. Here are a few things -
~ My nose, it's too big
~ My hair is too thin and boring
~ My shoulders are too broad
~ My butt is too flat
~ My eyes are mismatched
~ I'm too short
There are others, but just these listed above made me realize how far I've come since that time. When I did that, I wasn't pregnant yet (well, technically I'd been pregnant for two whole days, but I at least didn't know). Now, a year later, I decided to sit down in front of the full length mirror in my room and analyze myself.
You know what? Even with my little post-partum gut, I couldn't find one single thing I'd change!
I laughed at myself. How amazing it is that the one thing that could have made me hate and lose all respect for myself turned out to be what saved me and made me love myself! I'm so grateful to be where I am right now. I have hard days, sure, but I know who I am and where I'm going. I have dreams that I'm working toward, and I know how to get there.
Chelsea and I are going to be speaking at a Relief Society Meeting (formerly known as Enrichment) on the 13th of May. Just as we adjusted our focus to be more relevant to the YW we were speaking to, we'll adjust our focus again to be relevant to the "older" generations - those who may be in our positions, or have daughters/sisters/friends/neighbors/etc. who may be in our positions. It will be a neat experience, and I pray that the spirit will guide me on the right things to say. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful friend as Chelsea to share these experiences with! She's incredible.
To end this, I'd like to share a thought I heard - "We always hear that 'if the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it'. Well, what about if you bring yourself to it? The Lord doesn't direct you to sin and bondage. What then? Place your trust in the Lord, and He'll bring you through those things as well. We will still hurt, and make some very tough choices as a consequence, but He is our Father. We won't ever be alone in our struggles if we simply place our faith in the Lord and ask for his help."
My sweet little David - I love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You healed my lost and broken heart. I'm grateful every day that you came into my life and, though I won't raise you, I'm proud to call you my son. You are my angel, and I hope someday you'll know just how many lives you've blessed. You're always in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart. Forever. Love, your birthmom.
If I don't make it to the big league, if I never win a Grammy, I know I'll be just fine
'cause I know exactly who I am.
When I make a big mistake, when I fall flat on my face, I know I'll be alright.
Should my tender heart be broken, I will cry those teardrops knowin' that I will be just fine
'cause nothing changes who I am.
I'm a saint and I'm a sinner.
I'm a loser, I'm a winner.
I am steady and unstable.
I am young but I am able.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love this song by Jessica Andrews (I took the chorus out)
I tried a little experiment tonight. One year ago next month, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and analyzed myself, making a mental note of everything I would change about myself if I could. I can't believe I did this, but I actually wrote it down in my journal. Here are a few things -
~ My nose, it's too big
~ My hair is too thin and boring
~ My shoulders are too broad
~ My butt is too flat
~ My eyes are mismatched
~ I'm too short
There are others, but just these listed above made me realize how far I've come since that time. When I did that, I wasn't pregnant yet (well, technically I'd been pregnant for two whole days, but I at least didn't know). Now, a year later, I decided to sit down in front of the full length mirror in my room and analyze myself.
You know what? Even with my little post-partum gut, I couldn't find one single thing I'd change!
I laughed at myself. How amazing it is that the one thing that could have made me hate and lose all respect for myself turned out to be what saved me and made me love myself! I'm so grateful to be where I am right now. I have hard days, sure, but I know who I am and where I'm going. I have dreams that I'm working toward, and I know how to get there.
Chelsea and I are going to be speaking at a Relief Society Meeting (formerly known as Enrichment) on the 13th of May. Just as we adjusted our focus to be more relevant to the YW we were speaking to, we'll adjust our focus again to be relevant to the "older" generations - those who may be in our positions, or have daughters/sisters/friends/neighbors/etc. who may be in our positions. It will be a neat experience, and I pray that the spirit will guide me on the right things to say. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful friend as Chelsea to share these experiences with! She's incredible.
To end this, I'd like to share a thought I heard - "We always hear that 'if the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it'. Well, what about if you bring yourself to it? The Lord doesn't direct you to sin and bondage. What then? Place your trust in the Lord, and He'll bring you through those things as well. We will still hurt, and make some very tough choices as a consequence, but He is our Father. We won't ever be alone in our struggles if we simply place our faith in the Lord and ask for his help." My sweet little David - I love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You healed my lost and broken heart. I'm grateful every day that you came into my life and, though I won't raise you, I'm proud to call you my son. You are my angel, and I hope someday you'll know just how many lives you've blessed. You're always in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart. Forever. Love, your birthmom.
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