This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I've hit some milestones, regressed, and moved forward all at the same time. But, today, my heart is with two beautiful girls - Erin, one of the sweetest and kindest girls I've met in group, and her beautiful little girl, Madison.
Madison was born 4 weeks premature, weighed 4-pounds-something at birth, but is completely healthy. I had the opportunity to meet her and hold her for a short while yesterday. As soon as I stepped into the hospital room, and I saw Erin, I couldn't control my tears. Everything came rushing back to me, all of the emotions from four months ago. Then, as I held sweet little Madison (half the weight David was at birth!), a calm filled my mind.
As Erin and I sat and talked, I was so amazed and in awe of her strength and courage. She was calm, serene, and looked stunning. (Who can possibly look that good after giving birth?! Seriously!) I'd always heard that a change comes over women the moment their child is born. There was a light in Erin that I couldn't explain. I could tell she was aching over what these next few days would bring, but the way she held her sweet little angel, and the tenderness in her voice when she talked about Matt and Michelle (her adoptive couple) gave me the strength and reassurance that I needed, because although I asked nobody to save me, I sometimes want so badly to spare anyone else the hell of the "empty arms" feeling. But, I also know that the decision she is making is selfless and possible because of this very raw form of love. I know that love, I still feel it every moment of every day. I would not go back on my decision, as I know Erin won't. Angels are surrounding her, and helping to strengthen her.
I also got the opportunity to meet Matt and Michelle very briefly, and I instantly fell in love with them, too. (Even though they definitely weren't Dave and Amy, teehee!) As I told Erin, all of the emotions and memories I was feeling when I was there with her were all good - the three days she is experiencing right now were the most wonderful of my life. The feeling in the room was so sacred and peaceful as I sat watching Erin hold beautiful little Madison. I can only imagine that feeling will be more pronounced at placement today. My thoughts, prayers, and heart are with you, Erin.