My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

the other side of sorrow

Sometimes I wonder if people not involved in the adoption triad will ever understand/believe that it's not all ache and pain and grieving. There is another side of sorrow.

Joyful, loving, grateful... a few simple words to describe the heart of a birthmother. Amidst the sorrow that is felt in placing a tiny, perfect little baby into the arms of another family, there is also so much joy. Joy that that baby will have a perfect family. Joy that he or she will be in a two-parent home, will not live financially strained, and will not ever wonder if he or she was loved. The intense love one feels for their child can only be felt by another parent. How blessed my little David is, because he has his birthmother's love (which really feels like it will burst out of my chest), his birthfather's love, and the love of his wonderful mom and dad. Most also agree that besides the love a birthmother has for a child, there is also an incredible amount of love felt toward the family of her child. The parents are not chosen as a "last resort" or out of desperation. They are carefully considered, prayed about, and so deeply trusted. Birthmothers are so incredibly grateful to the families they choose, because without them there would not be the peace that comes with placing.

I went to see "Jane" today. Again, because of privacy issues, I will not divulge too much information. Seeing her and spending time with her and her little one helped heal my heart today. I don't know that I've ever felt more love in a room than when I visit my beautiful girls. I didn't intend to drop in on Jane, but she invited me so I jumped at the chance. I wrapped her sweet little boy in the softest blanket ever, I burped him, and held him in my arms. I watched as Jane mothered him, loved on him, and whispered to him. The decision to place is not an easy one, but spending time with a child before placement helps realize that it is the right thing to do. Jane and I have something very special in common - she is breastfeeding her little boy while she is in the hospital. She will experience that incredible bond that is unlike any other. Although many say it is "unnecessary" or "pointless", I believe that it helped me know that placing was the right thing to do. I could provide for him in only the most basic of ways, and only while I was in the hospital. How would I breastfeed after I was out of the hospital? When I went back to work? I loved him so much at the end of those two days, that I couldn't bear to NOT give him the world. My heart completely belonged to him. Jane and I have talked, and she feels the same. She knows he will be loved and given an incredible home... but she wants to give him everything she possibly can right now.

I leave for Florida on Tuesday. Fear is mixed with excitement. Apprehension is mixed with joy. I've been anticipating mixed emotions for weeks now, and I think I will be alright. Feel free to send me messages of encouragement!

me with "Jane's" little boy 
{will he ever know what a blessing he is? for "Jane"? for his parents?}

While I am gone, I have a scheduled post to go up about the adoption conference.


  1. When you called us to let us know that little David had arrived, we were sitting in the airport in Chicago. Even though we weren't there with him, to hold him and love him during his first few hours, we knew he was in the best of hands. We knew that you would do anything for him, and in fact you did everything for him. It is amazing to see how much joy and love this little baby has brought with him into the world. Miracles happen everyday, and we feel so blessed to have a front row seat.

  2. Sterling, my words of encouragement are between your front door and screen door! Remember you are a Daughter of God and with Him all things are possible! I know he hears and answers the whisperings and prayers of "all" mothers' hearts! This has been shown to me over and over this last year and a half! You are amazing...enjoy loving and squeezing that sweet little one you brought into this world and seeing all that you have dreamed for him come to pass!

  3. You don't know me, but I recently stumbled across your blog! The word adoption caught my eye, because I myself am adopted! I have always considered adoption such a precious gift in my life! I have always known and felt loved! My parents have given me all the love and support I could ever dream of and more. I have a closed adoption, but I have always believed that my birthparents lived me enough to give me more! To give me a more stable life. I will be forever indebted to them for the life they gave me. Not sure if this is what you were wanting, but hope it helps! I admire your strength!


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