*Disclaimer* I am, in no way, comparing myself to Mary. I do not believe my out-of-wedlock pregnancy was in any way sanctioned of God. I only know that He helped me through once I *finally* swallowed my pride and begged for forgiveness and help.
I post this video because not only do I bawl every time I hear it, I believe it is the closest to the silent prayers uttered in those dark, lonesome, moments every birthmother feels.
For me, it was the second night in the hospital.
"Breath of Heaven, hold me together. Be forever near me, breath of Heaven. Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness. Pour over me your holiness, for you are holy."
"Do you wonder, as you watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place? But I offer all I am... for the mercy of your plan. Help me be strong. Help me be... help me..." (i remember this plea all too well...)
Oh, how the Lord held me together. The night before placement, I truly thought the emotional grief would kill me.
Today marks an important date. One year ago, I wrote the following in my journal.
September 13, 2009 - "I'm afraid to say it out loud, because that makes it real. I can write whatever I want to, because I can either rip up this paper later or burn it or whatever. So here it is. I know that this baby is not mine. Whether or not Ben wants me anymore. I give up on that. I can't keep hoping for something that I already know isn't going to happen. I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl, but I know one thing. It's the only thing I've known for myself since this whole thing began. Call it too much adoption propaganda, but I can't stop thinking this. I need to find this baby's family. This time I'm not good enough by myself."
One year ago today, I accepted (though I only admitted it in my journal until a month later) that I was not going to raise the sweet angel I had been sent. I think that may have been the first night I actually prayed for comfort and help and forgiveness, instead of begging the Lord to make Ben marry me. Or somewhere around there. I wish I had journaled about that.
"I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear. In a world as cold as stone, must I walk this path alone? Be with me now. Be with me now..."