this is what I do with my Wednesday afternoons...

Every Wednesday, since June 24, 2009, I have attended an expectant mother support group meeting at LDS Family Services in Layton. It's like an AA meeting for girls who're knocked up. ;-) (And you think I'm kidding...)

I have only missed five weeks since then - two weeks because I was completely convinced that I didn't need support, one week because I had my baby, one week because I thought I was too far past placement to be going anymore, and one week because I opted to go see my Paigey in the hospital instead. Yup, I can count them on one hand. That means that I have been to 61 support meetings. I would make a heck of a recovering alcoholic!

Honestly, there is something to be said for the support I found there. Each and every one of the girls who has come to more than one meeting (and even a few who have only come to one) has left an imprint on my heart. Valerie, who never looked like anything less than a model during her entire pregnancy, and has the amazing story of placing with her brother. Meghan, who is a fellow blogger, my inspiration for looking at families on the It's About Love! website and was my first impression of a strong birthmom in an open adoption. Paige, who has been a huge source of strength and support to me, and kept me laughing through my entire pregnancy. Audrey, one of my best friends, who is parenting and an amazingly strong woman who let me cry on her shoulder and let me hold her son when I was missing mine terribly. Chelsea, who epitomized "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong... but will still be perfect", and has been a huge support in helping me stay strong in the gospel. Darcie, who had her little girl ten days before me and dealt with more heartache during her pregnancy than most will ever have to know, and still came out on top. Katie, my sister from another mister, whose story makes me laugh, cry, and believe that the Lord's hand is at work in adoption. Erin, who has overcome incredible adversity to make a life for her daughter, and has taught me that it's possible to love myself. Jaynie, who found strength that runs deeper than any I've ever known and made a choice with a matter of days left, when the rest of us had months. Kelsey, whose sisters have been on the parenting and placing sides of adoption, who got herself out of an unhealthy relationship and living situation for the sake of her son. Jen, who lives her life in such a way that her son will be proud of her, and talks about the happy side of placement, a year and a half later, but doesn't sugar-coat that it will still hurt sometimes.

Each of these girls has made an impact on my life. There are so many more, and I plan on adding them to the list. Because of the strength these girls have given me, I've decided to pass that strength along, or at least as much as I can.

From group today,

"Mold what your life is like now"

I carry my heart on my sleeve, my life is a ladder and I'm progressing upward, but I know I haven't made it very far. I can see with an eternal perspective, but it still seems so far away most of the time.

"Mold what you want for your future, and what will contribute to that."

I want to keep progressing (ladder). Keep an eternal perspective (infinity symbol). Change the world (blue ball to world). Have a family (couple with baby). Remember that I'm important, too ("me"). Remember that this whole plan, this whole life, is much bigger than I am (moon and star).

The first thing we were asked to mold was how we felt when we initially found out we were pregnant. I shaped a moon and two stars. I remember being up in Evanston one night, not long after finding out I was pregnant, and looking up into the night sky. The stars are beautiful up there, and I remember feeling so incredibly small and insignificant. The thought ran through my mind of, "I don't matter in all of this. I have no place. I'm alone." 

Oh, but if I had only known then! I was not alone. Not once. The Lord had a hand in it the entire time. Sometimes I pushed Him away, only to fall to my knees begging for help, begging for an answer. My mom was there to give me the love that only a mother feels (and I didn't understand until I became one for a very brief time). Lynn was there to hold me when I cried, agree with me or make me see reason when I ranted, and give me those special father's blessings at 2... 3... 4 in the morning. My ward rallied around me. My bishop has been the most compassionate, understanding, and supportive man I've ever known. My family loved me through the thick and thin of it all. Dave and Amy started out as email buddies, giving me an idea of what adoptive couples were like... then became two of my favorite people in the world, and the most important people (besides David!) in all of this.

And my girls... oh my girls. All of you have brought me to where I am. I'm not sure how many of you read this, but I want you to know how much I love you. You have saved me. The strength I found, I found in you.