My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Update and Baby's first pictures!

Today, I am 19 weeks pregnant. One week away from being half-way through my pregnancy. Ben officially broke things off and decided we shouldn't be together, afterall. That was July 7th. He brought his parents, sat in my living room and told my parents that he didn't love me enough to stay together and be a father. August 15, I saw Ben for the first time in over a month. We talked for all of fifteen minutes. August 19, I went up to visit Ben. We spent all night talking, and he told me he missed me, loved me and wanted to be with me. Instead of asking him if that meant that we would be together, be a family, raise our child together... I just said yes. Let's be together. Let's hold each other, right now, and work through this. During the next 2 weeks, Ben and I exchanged cute texts, fun messages, and sweet love notes. Then one day, I asked him if we'd be together as a family. He said no... essentially, he felt that we should still place the baby for adoption, then get married in a year or two. I freaked out, and I realized that I would never be able to do that. Or I thought I wouldn't. So I gave Ben an ultimatum - We would be a family and be together, or we would break things off completely. He got upset about being given an ultimatum, and things ended. Again. Last week, I visited Ben again. A few days later, I went up and stayed the night. We kissed, we held each other. I suddenly realized that I hadn't let go, and I couldn't let go. I'm not ready to get married, or have a family, and I know that placing our baby for adoption is the right thing to do. But I still need Ben in my life, and I can't give up on us. When I begged for forgiveness, asking him to give me another chance... he said no. So here I am. I forgave Ben instantly when he said he wanted to be together, but he won't give me another chance. I'm alone, I'm scared, and I miss him. I love Ben, I do. I can't deny that. I've been upset, I've been sad, but I've never hated him. I've always felt that we would be together, but I feel now that I've messed up way too much. He'll never take me back. He'll never accept me. I'm trying so hard to fix things, to be worth it, but I think that now I'll have to do this whole thing alone. The good news is, I've found a family for my little angel. Their names are David and Amy Harmon. In two days, I find out the gender of my baby. In a few weeks, I plan to tell David and Amy that I want them to be my baby's parents. The pictures I have right now are my pictures from my nine-week ultrasound. If you tilt your head to the right, the baby actually looks like a gummi-bear. Kinda cute.

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