Endure... and progress

This week has been so good... but I've had some pretty crappy moments.  I feel like I see infant boys everywhere.  Amy posted some videos of David to her blog, and my heart felt so comforted seeing them. He is so happy!


I had the opportunity to speak to a Young Women's group last night with Chelsea, another birthmom who placed her beautiful little boy in November. It was such a wonderful experience. As we shared our stories, and focused more on the spiritual aspect of what we had gone through, there was such an incredible feeling of love in the room with us.  We
tried so hard to make the girls understand that, yes, something absolutely beautiful came out of our situations and we wouldn't go back and change it, but it's a long, hard road to repentance. I felt like I relived my entire experience last night as Chelsea and I shared some intimate details of our struggles. I remembered how badly I wanted to parent, and how my heart would ache whenever I thought about what I wouldn't be able to give David if I did. How I prayed so hard for so long that Ben would decide to marry me so that I wouldn't have to make the decision I was faced with. Then, how my prayers shifted to asking for strength to let go of Ben and make the decision. Then, again, when I started praying to know if the choices I was making were correct. Then, finally, praying that I would have the strength to go through with placing sweet little David, and be able to love him as much as possible during the time he was mine.

Now, I not only pray for David to feel loved and comforted (which I know he always will be), but I pray that I can keep doing the things I need to so that I will, one day, be able to be the mother that I wanted David to have. Dave and Amy have been such great examples of what parents should be. I know it's not right to idolize, but I chose Amy and Dave not necessarily because they are "better" than me - I chose them because I like to think they are like me... or, rather, how I will be.

So I always try to find gospel analogies in movies. Tonight, I finally saw "The Princess and the Frog". It is so cute! Very Disney-esque in that it stereotyped every character... but it was very cute. Towards the end, the "Shadow Man" has to repay his debts to the Voodoo gods. It's a pretty scary part, but as he is being dragged away by the dark spirits, he yells "I just need more time! I just need more time!" Honestly, all I could think was, when the world is destroyed by fire and judgment day comes, I hope I won't need 'more time'. I don't want to wonder whether or not I'll have done the things necessary to attain the highest degree of glory, and therefore be with my family and my Heavenly Father forever. I want to live my life in such a way that I won't need 'more time'. I will not only endure to the end, I will progress to the end.

On a not-so-deep note, my jeans that were tight before pregnancy are too loose now! Yay! Also, check out this AMAZING blog... I love this woman and the way she encourages open adoption. She also does custom adoption jewelry/boutique items. Very cute!

One more thing, Julie asked me to be on a birth-parent panel for a new group of adoptive-parent hopefuls in May. I'm very excited, and very nervous. I know I'm very blessed to have the relationship with Dave and Amy that I do, but I hope that by talking about my experience other girls will have the opportunity for the same type of wonderful, loving relationship with their adoptive couples.