Anchors of Truth

I read these on Meghan's blog, and I wanted to share them on mine as well.
(Thanks Meghan!)

Anchor of Truth Number #1. Focus on where you are today and where you are going.
· The first question asked by Father in Heaven after Adam and Eve partook of the forbidden fruit was:
•Adam, where art thou? (Gen 3:9) and
•Adam, where goest thou? (Mose 4:15)

Our Father in Heaven is more concerned about where you are now and where you are going. Don’t dwell on the past. Focus on where you are today and what direction you are headed.


I was told this at the beginning of my pregnancy. The action was a bad choice, but my baby was not a mistake. All that mattered was where I decided to go from there. I couldn't undo it, so I needed to focus on what life I was going to give my little boy.


Anchor of Truth #2. Our Father in Heaven sees us as our Best Self:
How do we view ourselves? How do we view others? How does our Father in Heaven view us, and how does he view those around us?


I remember going to LDS Family Services early in my pregnancy, with a very low self-image and feeling like I was completely worthless. I also looked at other people sitting in the waiting room and judged them immediately. As I progressed through my pregnancy, I began to view myself as a strong daughter of God, and became much more compassionate about those around me. After all, the Savior supped with and taught the sinners. Who am I to ever judge another?

Anchor of Truth #3.· Our Savior Weeps with Us, There is a Resurrection and the “If Onlys” do not matter

In Gethsemane, Christ took the sins of every person who had lived, was living, and would live upon himself. He sweat drops of blood. There were times when I thought I wouldn't survive the pain and heartache I was feeling. How humbling, and empowering, to know my older brother, my Savior Jesus Christ, wept for the very same reason I weep, and truly knows the pain I feel. I am not alone, and will continue to live my life so that I will be counted among those who come forward in the first resurrection. 

"What if"s plague me. They kept me awake at night during my pregnancy, and they still find their way into my thoughts when I'm feeling low or vulnerable. Those are the times I'm so incredibly grateful that I have an open adoption, and I was able to develop a relationship with Dave and Amy long before I had decided to place my son for adoption. I always felt (and still feel) that they care about me because of who I am, not just because I am the biological mother of their son. I feel as if Amy is my other sister, and Dave is my other brother. I have heard them bear their testimonies of the gospel, and of eternal families. Meeting them, going through this entire experience has helped me better understand the plan of happiness. I will be connected to my family for eternity - I will never have to fear separation after this life. 

I will marry in the temple. My children will be born in the covenant. I will be an example to my family, and to those around me, of the power of the atonement. I will be grateful every day for my future husband, and my children. David will never wonder if his biological mother loved him - he will always know. He is my motivation to keep moving forward, and to take the second chance I've been handed.  

I love you, little one.  

It's okay to miss him

"Remember, it's okay to miss him and long for him. More importantly, it's okay when you start moving forward with your life. Your love for him will never fade... but the pain will. One day, you'll wake up and do something normal." The first week I felt like I was a ticking time bomb, just waiting to break down or explode into a million pieces. I wandered around my house, searching for whatever was missing. I knew I wouldn't find him... but I couldn't sit still. I longed to hold something in my arms, to care for something. Engorgement was hell. I was in survival mode. I felt like I had no purpose. For nine months, my entire purpose had been caring for and nurturing the new life inside of me. Suddenly, the most purposeful thing I did was laundry. My heart ached and longed for David. I wondered if I would have been a good mom. I wondered if he would feel abandoned, if he missed me, if he would remember my smell and my voice. Week two I smiled more, talked on the phone to my sisters more, and I started creating. I scrapbooked, I sewed, and I cooked. I did anything to keep my hands and mind busy. Of course, I'm always thinking about David. But it's easier to think about him and not cry when I feel like I'm doing something useful or productive. Then, one morning during my third week, I woke up and didn't cry. I was able to look at pictures of my beautiful boy and be grateful for the life he is living. I finished registering for school, and I went back to work. The fourth week I relapsed a little. I began to break down a little more often as David's one-month birthday got closer. I started to wish I didn't live so far from Florida. I wondered how I had ever thought I'd be okay with a 2,500 mile distance. I went to visit Ben's sister and her new baby girl. It was so hard to hold her sweet little girl, my son's cousin, and not long for David again. They have the same fingers and toes, and holding her made me feel complete again. After we left, I cried from the deepest part of my heart. Then, I got my weekly e-mail with pictures from Dave and Amy... and again, I was reassured. Even in pictures, I could see the love connecting the three of them. They were meant to be together. I helped create a perfect, eternal family for someone else. He is so loved. Dave and Amy feel the same way about him that I do, or maybe even more. This week I've gotten teary a few times, and I found myself mentally spacing out in the baby section at WalMart. I also put together stuff for an Easter basket for Dave, Amy and David including matching father/son neckties - yes, they make infant-size neckties. They're adorable! My sister also made Amy a bracelet/necklace/earring set for Amy that matches the ties. I figured since they bought matching leather jackets for Dave and David, matching ties and jewelry would be appropriate. I can't wait to see pictures! Their e-mail and pictures tonight were beautiful. He is getting so big! Heavenly Father has been taking care of me, I know this. My next goal is to get myself ready to go through the Temple. Not that I plan on going through anytime soon, but I want to feel like I'm prepared for when the time comes. I want to live a good life. The best thing I can do for David is be a birthmom he can be proud of. The best thing I can do for myself is to remember how strong I can be, and remember my divine nature. I'm not a bad person, and I deserve to be happy. I am a daughter of God. Jesus Christ's atonement was for me.

A Mother's Prayer

I think I'm finally ready to post how the last five weeks have been. I may have to post just a little bit at a time, but I'm not sure if people really enjoy super-long posts anyway. :-)

 David Allen Winn-Hutchinson was born at 5:31 pm on February 20, 2010. He weighed 8 lbs, 2 oz and looked like an alien. But, he was the most beautiful and perfect alien I've ever seen. The cord was around his neck, so we had to use the vacuum to get him out faster. Because of that, he had a cute little cone-cap on top of his head. The original plan was to do something called kangaroo-care, a bonding process where the newborn is placed directly on the mother's bare chest directly from the womb. Skin-to-skin contact helps the newborn feel more secure with their new surroundings, and they will instinctively begin rooting, or searching for food. The idea is that the child learns to bond quickly and will latch to the breast more easily. Unfortunately, David was taken directly to the warming table to make sure he was okay after having the cord around his neck. I couldn't see him for the first five minutes of his life which, coupled with being in shock after giving birth, had me in a semi-panic. Ben and his mom had both been in the room and were over with him while my mom tried to calm me down and get me to focus enough to deliver the placenta. Finally, Ben brought our little David over to me and I got to hold him for a few minutes before he was whisked away to the nursery. I cried. Partly from being in shock, but mostly because I knew my countdown had started. I only had 48 hours (at the most) with him, and I suddenly felt that it would not be enough. Just staring at and touching his face for those few moments after delivery filled me with an emotion I'll never be able to explain. Only another parent could possibly know the intensity of the love I felt. The first night with David was like a fairy-tale. I felt like my world could not have been more perfect. I nursed him, held him, kissed him, and sang to him. A change came over both Ben and myself, and we both realized that all the fighting we had done during the past nine months had been so useless. It was so beautiful to watch Ben snuggle David, kiss him, and stare at him. He talked to him, told him stories, and gave him advice. That first night, while I tried to take a nap, I heard Ben cry for the first time. Somehow, that gave me comfort, knowing that I wasn't the only one of us that would struggle through this. Sunday was busy. Too busy. It felt like we had a constant stream of people coming to see us. All we wanted was to be a family for a little while. The best visitors we had were Dave and Amy. I knew I wanted to see them, but Ben didn't want to see them at all. It turned out to be a wonderful thing for Dave and Amy to come, because it reaffirmed our decision to place David. We didn't offer to let them hold him, although now we wish we would have. They told us then that his name was definitely David. It was obvious, even then, that they already loved and adored my little boy. He was meant to be their son. We spent another night together as a family, and I sang to David just as I had while he was in my womb. It was hard to hold back the tears because I knew my time was getting shorter and shorter. I began to second guess myself, wondering if I would be strong enough to carry through with my plan. I reread my journal, I read my letters to Dave, Amy, and little David, and I prayed. I prayed harder than I had my entire pregnancy. I prayed for strength to do what was best for David. I know the Lord heard my prayers. Monday was difficult, knowing I was placing that afternoon coupled with a nurse who definitely didn't give any warm fuzzies, and waking up to a doctor calling to tell me they wouldn't perform David's circumcision because it was an adoption, and they were worried about getting paid... well, my morning wasn't what I had expected it to be. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle up with David and spend my last hours with him whispering to him and praying he would be able to feel how much I loved him. We drove straight from the hospital to the local LDS Family Services agency. Ben's parents, his sister, and my mom spent some time saying goodbye, then Ben and I got a little more alone time with David. We told him how wonderful the few days we spent with him had been, how much we loved him, and gave him life advice. I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. My caseworker and the notary, along with my mom, came in to have me sign the relinquishment papers. I think the most painful thing I've ever gone through thus far in my life was signing the relinquishment papers. Ben held David while my mom held her arm around me. I couldn't breathe. As soon as I signed the papers, there was no going back. I closed my eyes, and with tears streaming down my face, I signed my name, silently begging for forgiveness from Heavenly Father, from little David, and from myself. I wanted to curl up and disappear. I had been a mother for two whole days, breastfed my sweet little boy to give him the best start, and then signed away all parental rights. I began to feel hollow as Ben placed David in my arms again, feeling as if my whole world was going to crack. Dave and Amy walked in the room, and as Amy hugged me I felt a sudden peace come over me. I felt warm, and I felt that there were others in the room that none of us could see. The strength I found inside myself could only have come from my Heavenly Father. At that moment, I knew he was holding me, and would continue to carry me through. David began to wake up in my arms, and I asked if it would be okay for me to feed him one more time. I went into another room, and for 20 minutes nursed David one more time, and stared at his sweet face. He stared at the corners of the ceiling, tracking something... I was sure there were angels attending. Ben and I said goodbye to David one more time in private, and we went back into the room with everyone else. My caseworker told me I would know and feel when the time was right for placement. I knew when that moment was. I looked at Ben, and he nodded. I kissed my little boy's forehead, held him close to my chest and whispered that I loved him. I held him to Ben, and he did the same. Dave and Amy stood, and as I placed David in Amy's arms, she hugged me. We held our son between us, and I wanted the moment to last forever. Dave embraced me and whispered, "thank you, we love you". I cried and kissed David as Amy held him. Then, as I sobbed onto my mom's shoulder, I looked at them. I had helped create an eternal family. David was already so loved by so many people. He had been a blessing in my life already, and I knew he would continue to be. I didn't see Dave and Amy with my son... I saw Dave, Amy, and their son... David Allen Harmon III. The most beautiful little boy I had ever seen, a little piece of heaven that God had trusted me to bring into this world. "He is mine in a way he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine. And, so, together, we are Motherhood." ~ Desha Wood "And, maybe, you can tell your baby when you love him so that he's been loved before... by someone, who delivered your son, from God's arms... to my arms... to yours." ~ Michael McLean