Endure... and progress

This week has been so good... but I've had some pretty crappy moments.  I feel like I see infant boys everywhere.  Amy posted some videos of David to her blog, and my heart felt so comforted seeing them. He is so happy!


I had the opportunity to speak to a Young Women's group last night with Chelsea, another birthmom who placed her beautiful little boy in November. It was such a wonderful experience. As we shared our stories, and focused more on the spiritual aspect of what we had gone through, there was such an incredible feeling of love in the room with us.  We
tried so hard to make the girls understand that, yes, something absolutely beautiful came out of our situations and we wouldn't go back and change it, but it's a long, hard road to repentance. I felt like I relived my entire experience last night as Chelsea and I shared some intimate details of our struggles. I remembered how badly I wanted to parent, and how my heart would ache whenever I thought about what I wouldn't be able to give David if I did. How I prayed so hard for so long that Ben would decide to marry me so that I wouldn't have to make the decision I was faced with. Then, how my prayers shifted to asking for strength to let go of Ben and make the decision. Then, again, when I started praying to know if the choices I was making were correct. Then, finally, praying that I would have the strength to go through with placing sweet little David, and be able to love him as much as possible during the time he was mine.

Now, I not only pray for David to feel loved and comforted (which I know he always will be), but I pray that I can keep doing the things I need to so that I will, one day, be able to be the mother that I wanted David to have. Dave and Amy have been such great examples of what parents should be. I know it's not right to idolize, but I chose Amy and Dave not necessarily because they are "better" than me - I chose them because I like to think they are like me... or, rather, how I will be.

So I always try to find gospel analogies in movies. Tonight, I finally saw "The Princess and the Frog". It is so cute! Very Disney-esque in that it stereotyped every character... but it was very cute. Towards the end, the "Shadow Man" has to repay his debts to the Voodoo gods. It's a pretty scary part, but as he is being dragged away by the dark spirits, he yells "I just need more time! I just need more time!" Honestly, all I could think was, when the world is destroyed by fire and judgment day comes, I hope I won't need 'more time'. I don't want to wonder whether or not I'll have done the things necessary to attain the highest degree of glory, and therefore be with my family and my Heavenly Father forever. I want to live my life in such a way that I won't need 'more time'. I will not only endure to the end, I will progress to the end.

On a not-so-deep note, my jeans that were tight before pregnancy are too loose now! Yay! Also, check out this AMAZING blog... I love this woman and the way she encourages open adoption. She also does custom adoption jewelry/boutique items. Very cute!

One more thing, Julie asked me to be on a birth-parent panel for a new group of adoptive-parent hopefuls in May. I'm very excited, and very nervous. I know I'm very blessed to have the relationship with Dave and Amy that I do, but I hope that by talking about my experience other girls will have the opportunity for the same type of wonderful, loving relationship with their adoptive couples.

things birthmoms shouldn't have to hear...

I worked a very long shift tonight at work, and unfortunately had to work with all three of the people who disagreed with my placing David. I don't typically avoid the subject, but I knew I would have to go on the defensive around them, so I kept my mouth shut whenever I wanted to say something about him. These three people are also really great at trying to get a rise out of me by making anti-Mormon/religion comments near me. I've stopped reacting, because it's not worth it. Tonight got me thinking, though, about what kinds of things people have said to me throughout this process that I wouldn't have thought twice about before.

I made a list of the things birthmoms shouldn't have to hear.

1) "I wouldn't be able to give my baby away."
    I actually heard this from a girl in response to why she had had two abortions within a year, instead of placing for adoption. My heart broke.

2) "You're taking the easy way out [by placing your baby for adoption]."
    I don't think this needs an explanation...

3) "I was a single parent and my children turned out just fine."
    Every person and their situation is different. If this is true of you, just know that we don't sit there and say, "She should have placed her children for adoption."

4) "You're so lucky you don't have to do all the 'mom' stuff!"
    I know being a mom is hard, but there is nothing I wouldn't give to lose sleep, ache, get spit-up on, change diapers, and do all the other 'mom' stuff.  Infertile couples feel this way, too.

5) "Adoption is selfish."
    Yes, I'm completely selfish, because I wanted my son to have the best life possible, and have all the things I can't give him. I wanted him to be raised by both of his parents, who love and adore him more than anything in this world, instead of a daycare or grandparents. I'm such a selfish, self-serving person for that. I'm selfish because I consciously made the decision to relinquish my parental rights and willingly go through more pain than I ever thought possible.

6) Complaining about pregnancy.
    Again, this is one of those things birthmoms and infertile couples shouldn't have to hear. Given, pregnancy is hard. But I know people who had hellish pregnancies who would gladly go through them again because the magic of those few days between being pregnant and placement is worth every bit of pain or discomfort. And there are some people who would sell their left kidney to be able to be pregnant.
   
7) "Ohh, he's so cute! Too bad you gave him up for adoption..."
    ... really? Just, really? Well, your dog was really sweet, too bad it's dead.. (I really wanted to say this to my coworker who said the above statement.)

8) "You could have just gotten an abortion."
    ... not worth the fight on this one...

9) "Get over it. You made the decision, you shouldn't hurt over it."
    Just because I made that decision doesn't mean it was easy, or that I'm going to be completely normal immediately afterward.

10) "If you loved him enough, you wouldn't be able to give him to someone else." 
     Actually, if I loved him any less, I wouldn't have signed the relinquishment papers.


I hope I don't offend anyone... I just want people to be a little more conscientious about things that can hurt.

She's my sister

Before all of this, I viewed adoption as chance - adopting couples were randomly matched up with children, and somehow it worked. Since then, I've developed a testimony of God's hand in adoption. Especially mine.
In August 2009, I was still in denial and determined that I wasn't going to place my baby for adoption. I had the mindset that I was plenty old enough to be a mother (especially living in Utah, where girls two years younger than me were already married and starting families) and that I needed to take responsibility for my actions. Funny how looking back now, I can tell I was definitely influenced by the world in that thought. Anyway, somehow I was drawn to the It's About Love website, and I started looking through adopting parent profiles.

First, I just searched ten random families at a time. My reasons for not liking the families were varied and sometimes, as ashamed as I am to admit, shallow. One family had too many kids and I thought they were being selfish. One family lived too far away, in Maine (ironic, I know...). One couple was too short, one couple was too tall. This one didn't mention anything about music, this one says they "aren't animal people". I even said one couple wasn't good-looking enough - and I feel terrible now.

Then I discovered the coolest thing in the world - search preferences. I could put in interests I wanted the couple/family to have, how many kids, pets, location, and what kind of contact they wanted with a birthmom. I changed my preferences a couple of times to perfect them. I found three couples that was interested in, and I decided to e-mail them to just ask questions. The first family I changed my mind about because they already had two biological children and, at the time, I was nervous that an adopted child might feel ostracized. Since then, I have seen that it's not true. But it at least put my list down to two couples. I e-mailed one set first, and got a reply that they were "on hold" by another birthmom, but they would love to talk to me. I felt like I was imposing on someone else's territory, so I actually never e-mailed them back. The third couple I e-mailed and received the kindest reply. Their profile had caught my attention because they were beautiful, they had a dog, were both very musical, and they had conflicting information about where they lived. So being nosy, I asked if they lived in Utah or in Florida. It turned out they had lived in Utah until a few months earlier, and had moved to Florida to attend law school. My initial reaction was, "Well, they live in Florida, that's way too far away," but after the second e-mail I decided it would be good for me to at least get to know them because, after all, it may be nice to see things from the other side.

That couple was Dave and Amy. We e-mailed often, and for months I anxiously checked my e-mail for their replies. After getting cold feet about telling them once, then deciding I wanted to meet them first, and instantly loving them when we did meet, I announced to them on Christmas Eve that I wanted them to be my baby's parents. I sent them a box with a blanket my mom had made, the "Our Miracle" willowtree statue, a little fleecy sleeper, and a CD I recorded of me singing 'From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours'. ( Click Here  to view the video I made with the song I recorded). Christmas eve and Christmas day there were many tears shed - but I knew they were meant to be my couple. Sometimes there are coincidences, but in my case there were confirmations.

~ Within the first couple of e-mails, I learned that Dave and Amy had known and worked with my sister and brother-in-law back in 2002. I immediately called my brother-in-law and asked what he thought about them, and he told me they were amazing people.

~ I had been an RA for USU housing in Logan the school year before I got pregnant. Dave worked for USU Housing I.T. and had worked with my boss and had often fixed the office computer I used daily. He even remembered talking to me once about my name, and how unusual it was for a girl to be named Sterling.

(It gets better now)

~ When Ben and I first met Dave and Amy, we went to dinner with them at Chili's. They were in Utah for Thanksgiving visiting their families. We met them at the restaurant, and they were already there when Ben and I walked in. They stood, and as we said hello and embraced, I can honestly say I felt as if I had known them for years. They were so familiar to me. And, as we sat and talked, I had the strangest feeling come over me as I looked at Amy. I saw myself placing a child in her arms. I felt a lump in my throat as I realized this was it. The confirmation I had been praying for. God had given me a glimpse of how right it would feel. I was grateful, but that was when my grieving process began. It was also when my healing process began.

~ In November, I met a birthmother who had breastfed her little girl while in the hospital. I've always believed in breastfeeding, and I wondered if that was something I was strong enough to do. Nursing bonds a mother and child, and I knew I would have a harder time letting him go if I did. I finally concluded that although nursing is healthier for the baby, it would be useless because he would go straight to a bottle afterward. Then, a few days after New Years, I got an e-mail from Amy. I could tell she was nervous writing it, but she asked how I felt about her breastfeeding my little boy. She said she had started a hormone induced pregnancy so that she could lactate, but knew that it is difficult for adoptive mothers to breastfeed if the baby has already been started on a bottle... and wondered how I felt about nursing our son in the hospital. I cried when I read that e-mail, because I had wanted so badly to nurse my baby. Now, here Amy was asking me to nurse him so that she could experience that part of being a mother, too. She wanted to be a mother in every way possible to my little boy, and I was overwhelmed with the love I felt for her. We agreed that nursing would be the best for David, and I knew that Heavenly Father was giving me the chance to experience something worthwhile. I was also grateful because I knew that if Amy nursed, he would bond more quickly with her. She is his mother, after all.

~ Two weeks before I was due, I had a support meeting with some of the members of my family, Ben and his family. I told everyone why I was placing, what my plan was for the hospital and placement, and Ben and I were able to feel the love our families had for us. It was the first time that Ben's parents had heard Dave and Amy's last name, and Ben's mom mentioned that her mother's maiden name was Harmon. When I heard that, I jumped on the New Family Search website and started tracing Ben's family back, and Dave's family back. Incredibly, Ben and Dave are third cousins. They have the same great-great-grandfather. That meant that little David would still be in that family, and would be in the same sealing line. That little bit of information was a confirmation to me, but more importantly it was a comfort to Ben's family.

I didn't just "happen" upon Dave and Amy. I was directed to them. I feel like she's my sister, and that I've known her and Dave forever. I have faith that somehow, we'll all be connected in the eternities. I know that I'll be with my immediate family but, as far as I'm concerned, they are part of my family, too. Although he won't be sealed to me directly, I know that it's possible for me to still be connected to my little boy and his parents forever. I have faith in God's love for me. He knows the desires of my heart, and tells us that families can be together forever.

I Miss...

being pregnant.  I'm told it would be different if I had him with me still, but I had an incredible pregnancy. I was rarely sick, I loved being pregnant, and I always felt beautiful. I felt like I had a special purpose, and I knew I was carrying something so precious and perfect inside me.

My caseworker and I talked about the pain of placing for adoption, and she mentioned that one of the other girls I've gotten close to said she would never wish the pain of placement on her worst enemy. It's true. If it was purely physical pain, then maybe. This pain is different. It's a hollow ache. The only thing I can think of that would be more painful is the death of a child. I pray that I will never have to go through that, and I pray for comfort for those who have.

I'm really missing Lynn tonight. ( http://lynnkraaima.blogspot.com ) I call him my step-dad, but let's be honest... he's my dad. He held me through my pregnancy and helped counsel me through my repentance process. He has comforted me, supported me, and been everything a dad should be. When he wakes up, I'll call him dad. Like I should have all along. I still have a relationship with my real dad, but Lynn is the father I've always needed. And I need him now. I wish so much that he would wake up and come home. Whoever reads this, please pray for him. I miss my dad.