That's Who I Am

If I make it to 100 and never see the seven wonders, that'll be alright.
If I don't make it to the big league, if I never win a Grammy, I know I'll be just fine
'cause I know exactly who I am.

When I make a big mistake, when I fall flat on my face, I know I'll be alright.
Should my tender heart be broken, I will cry those teardrops knowin' that I will be just fine
'cause nothing changes who I am.

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner.
I'm a loser, I'm a winner.
I am steady and unstable.
I am young but I am able.

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I love this song by Jessica Andrews (I took the chorus out)

I tried a little experiment tonight. One year ago next month, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and analyzed myself, making a mental note of everything I would change about myself if I could. I can't believe I did this, but I actually wrote it down in my journal. Here are a few things -

~ My nose, it's too big
~ My hair is too thin and boring
~ My shoulders are too broad
~ My butt is too flat
~ My eyes are mismatched
~ I'm too short

There are others, but just these listed above made me realize how far I've come since that time. When I did that, I wasn't pregnant yet (well, technically I'd been pregnant for two whole days, but I at least didn't know). Now, a year later, I decided to sit down in front of the full length mirror in my room and analyze myself.

You know what? Even with my little post-partum gut, I couldn't find one single thing I'd change! 
I laughed at myself. How amazing it is that the one thing that could have made me hate and lose all respect for myself turned out to be what saved me and made me love myself! I'm so grateful to be where I am right now. I have hard days, sure, but I know who I am and where I'm going. I have dreams that I'm working toward, and I know how to get there.

Chelsea and I are going to be speaking at a Relief Society Meeting (formerly known as Enrichment) on the 13th of May. Just as we adjusted our focus to be more relevant to the YW we were speaking to, we'll adjust our focus again to be relevant to the "older" generations - those who may be in our positions, or have daughters/sisters/friends/neighbors/etc. who may be in our positions. It will be a neat experience, and I pray that the spirit will guide me on the right things to say. I'm so grateful that I have such a wonderful friend as Chelsea to share these experiences with! She's incredible.

To end this, I'd like to share a thought I heard - "We always hear that 'if the Lord brings you to it, He will bring you through it'. Well, what about if you bring yourself to it? The Lord doesn't direct you to sin and bondage. What then? Place your trust in the Lord, and He'll bring you through those things as well. We will still hurt, and make some very tough choices as a consequence, but He is our Father. We won't ever be alone in our struggles if we simply place our faith in the Lord and ask for his help."

My sweet little David - I love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You healed my lost and broken heart. I'm grateful every day that you came into my life and, though I won't raise you, I'm proud to call you my son. You are my angel, and I hope someday you'll know just how many lives you've blessed. You're always in my thoughts, my prayers, my heart. Forever. Love, your birthmom.