I worked a very long shift tonight at work, and unfortunately had to work with all three of the people who disagreed with my placing David. I don't typically avoid the subject, but I knew I would have to go on the defensive around them, so I kept my mouth shut whenever I wanted to say something about him. These three people are also really great at trying to get a rise out of me by making anti-Mormon/religion comments near me. I've stopped reacting, because it's not worth it. Tonight got me thinking, though, about what kinds of things people have said to me throughout this process that I wouldn't have thought twice about before.
I made a list of the things birthmoms shouldn't have to hear.
1) "I wouldn't be able to give my baby away."
I actually heard this from a girl in response to why she had had two abortions within a year, instead of placing for adoption. My heart broke.
2) "You're taking the easy way out [by placing your baby for adoption]."
I don't think this needs an explanation...
3) "I was a single parent and my children turned out just fine."
Every person and their situation is different. If this is true of you, just know that we don't sit there and say, "She should have placed her children for adoption."
4) "You're so lucky you don't have to do all the 'mom' stuff!"
I know being a mom is hard, but there is nothing I wouldn't give to lose sleep, ache, get spit-up on, change diapers, and do all the other 'mom' stuff. Infertile couples feel this way, too.
5) "Adoption is selfish."
Yes, I'm completely selfish, because I wanted my son to have the best life possible, and have all the things I can't give him. I wanted him to be raised by both of his parents, who love and adore him more than anything in this world, instead of a daycare or grandparents. I'm such a selfish, self-serving person for that. I'm selfish because I consciously made the decision to relinquish my parental rights and willingly go through more pain than I ever thought possible.
6) Complaining about pregnancy.
Again, this is one of those things birthmoms and infertile couples shouldn't have to hear. Given, pregnancy is hard. But I know people who had hellish pregnancies who would gladly go through them again because the magic of those few days between being pregnant and placement is worth every bit of pain or discomfort. And there are some people who would sell their left kidney to be able to be pregnant.
7) "Ohh, he's so cute! Too bad you gave him up for adoption..."
... really? Just, really? Well, your dog was really sweet, too bad it's dead.. (I really wanted to say this to my coworker who said the above statement.)
8) "You could have just gotten an abortion."
... not worth the fight on this one...
9) "Get over it. You made the decision, you shouldn't hurt over it."
Just because I made that decision doesn't mean it was easy, or that I'm going to be completely normal immediately afterward.
10) "If you loved him enough, you wouldn't be able to give him to someone else."
Actually, if I loved him any less, I wouldn't have signed the relinquishment papers.
I hope I don't offend anyone... I just want people to be a little more conscientious about things that can hurt.