crash and burn

The title is just to get everyone's attention, since I haven't updated in a while.

First off, my computer crashed. As in, it will most likely not recover. Unfortunately, it wasn't a virus. It was a hardware malfunction... which just so happened to occur right after my warranty expired. Funny how that ALWAYS happens... *cough* apple *cough*

So anyway, I'm taking my last opportunity I'll ever have to commandeer my sister's computer before she gets married and moves out. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after 4:00 tomorrow afternoon, it will be just my mom and I. Again. It seems like a very strange cycle...

We set everything up for Heather's wedding tonight. It was a lot of fun, but mostly I was a glorified babysitter/tree-light-wrapper. But hey, it was fun! I did shed some tears, though, which I wasn't expecting to do. It wasn't because Heather's leaving, I know we'll see each other. It wasn't because I'm jealous (which I kind of am, but I'm quickly getting over it...) or because I'm just so touched by love.

I cried because when we did the actual wedding rehearsal. I sat on the back row untangling a strand of lights, and as I watched Heather walk down the aisle with Chase (my step-brother, who will be giving her away) my chest clenched up and all I could think was, "Lynn, you are supposed to be here. Why aren't you here??"   ...thoughts like this take me off guard quite often. Whether it's about David or Lynn, my grief seems to sneak up on me now. I can't anticipate it, and I can't really prepare myself for it. I go mini-golfing, I think of Lynn. I go to Lee's Mongolian (mmmm!!!), and I think of Lynn. I bowl, I drive through Weber State's campus, I use a hammer, or I lay in front of the fireplace... and I think of Lynn. And I ask why he's not here. I still don't understand why he had to go. That's not to say I'm murmuring, because I'm not. I don't blame anyone for it, I just... I wish I could see the big picture. I wish I knew who, on the other side of the veil, needed Lynn more than we did. I know he can probably still hear me when I talk to him, but I sure wish he could talk back. I keep thinking back to the last thing he ever said to me, and it was when we were trying to get him to get in the car to go to the hospital. He was fighting me and my mom, looked each of us in the eye, then said to each of us (separately, so he said it twice), "I'm fine, it will be okay. Everything will be okay."

At the time, I didn't realize that his words could possibly mean something deeper than that he would get over the flu (which wasn't actually what he had, just so everyone is aware). I remember feeling so lost and lonely when David arrived, and praying so hard that Lynn would recover enough to at least enable Dave and Amy to bring little David to the hospital to meet him. I just need to remember, though, that "Everything will be okay."

I decided to share David's story with some of the girls at school. All of them seemed to deeply respect what I shared with them, and asked some very good questions that I was more than happy to answer. Unfortunately, and I knew I would run into this at some point, a few of the questions led to my emotional and spiritual reasons for placing David with Dave and Amy. My basic answers deeply offended a single mother in my class, and although I didn't intend to make her feel like a bad mother, I found out tonight that she sees me as a "self-righteous brat who doesn't know what being a real parent means". In retrospect, I probably should have censored what I said, but I also did not in any way direct them at her or imply that I'm a better parent. I'm hoping she will give me the chance to apologize on Monday. The reasons I told the girls were -
* I wanted David to have two parents living in the same household
* I didn't want my mom raising him
* He deserved more than a college drop-out for a mom
* He shouldn't have to suffer his whole life for a mistake that I made
* I feel that although I'm plenty old enough to be a mom, that doesn't mean I'm ready to be the mom he deserves (oh, but how I still love him more deeply than I ever imagined I could!)
The girl who was hurt by my words is an amazing mother. She has a beautiful daughter and a handsome son. She has given up her personal luxuries so that her children will never have to do without. I have incredible respect for her. I can tell she loves her children more than the world by the way her eyes light up when she talks about them.

David was meant to be with Dave and Amy. It was all part of a plan. That sweet little spirit would have found his way to them one way or another, and it just happened to be by way of me. And I am so grateful that it was. But adoption isn't right for everyone, and that is just the way it is. Just as I adore other birthmothers, I love and respect single mothers. Both roads are heartbreaking at times, and beautiful at times. Life is beautiful... but sometimes we forget what true beauty looks like.

erin on my mind...

This weekend has been interesting, to say the least. I've hit some milestones, regressed, and moved forward all at the same time. But, today, my heart is with two beautiful girls - Erin, one of the sweetest and kindest girls I've met in group, and her beautiful little girl, Madison.

Madison was born 4 weeks premature, weighed 4-pounds-something at birth, but is completely healthy. I had the opportunity to meet her and hold her for a short while yesterday. As soon as I stepped into the hospital room, and I saw Erin, I couldn't control my tears. Everything came rushing back to me, all of the emotions from four months ago. Then, as I held sweet little Madison (half the weight David was at birth!), a calm filled my mind.

As Erin and I sat and talked, I was so amazed and in awe of her strength and courage. She was calm, serene, and looked stunning. (Who can possibly look that good after giving birth?! Seriously!)  I'd always heard that a change comes over women the moment their child is born. There was a light in Erin that I couldn't explain. I could tell she was aching over what these next few days would bring, but the way she held her sweet little angel, and the tenderness in her voice when she talked about Matt and Michelle (her adoptive couple) gave me the strength and reassurance that I needed, because although I asked nobody to save me, I sometimes want so badly to spare anyone else the hell of the "empty arms" feeling. But, I also know that the decision she is making is selfless and possible because of this very raw form of love. I know that love, I still feel it every moment of every day. I would not go back on my decision, as I know Erin won't. Angels are surrounding her, and helping to strengthen her.
 
I also got the opportunity to meet Matt and Michelle very briefly, and I instantly fell in love with them, too. (Even though they definitely weren't Dave and Amy, teehee!) As I told Erin, all of the emotions and memories I was feeling when I was there with her were all good - the three days she is experiencing right now were the most wonderful of my life. The feeling in the room was so sacred and peaceful as I sat watching Erin hold beautiful little Madison. I can only imagine that feeling will be more pronounced at placement today. My thoughts, prayers, and heart are with you, Erin.

be still

Alright, so here's the deal. The post I made before, if anyone even read it before I deleted it, was written in anger. I haven't been angry in a long time. It was because my pride was hurt, and I was blaming others for my own insecurities. In retrospect, that was really stupid to write... So from now on, I'll only write when I'm even-tempered. (Kind of like that idea of NOT making decisions on emotional lows OR highs... do not blog on emotional lows... sometimes highs. :) ).

I keep being reminded lately to "be still... and listen". I am still a little unsure of how the Spirit speaks to me. I know how I feel when something is obviously wrong... but what about little things? I get so nervous sometimes, wondering if I was pretending to get an answer or really got one. I read a post on the r house  about mrs. r's thoughts on "be still" (and she's doing an awesome giveway from the r house couture !!!) and it reminded me yet again... just be still. Listen with a pure heart, and a mind single to God.

Today is my 21st birthday. Happy Birthday to me!!! I had some good friends over, and we ate, listened to music, played card games, made a lot of "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes, and had a great time. I don't think I've laughed so hard in a long time... it felt so nice. Maybe 21 WILL be the best year of my life! (Knock on wood...)

I keep thinking about the perfect man. There was an exercise that I did with my caseworker a couple of months before little David was born. We drew a stick figure man on the whiteboard (no, the perfect man is NOT a stick figure, but neither of us were artists, so...) and labeled him with all of the qualities {my} perfect man will have. We divided them into "Deal Breakers" and "That'd-Be-Nice" (I know, we're so original..). I wish I could remember exactly what we put, but it really made me think about what I want, and especially about what *I* need to do to deserve the "Deal Breakers". So here is a new list, some of which I'm SURE were on the original list. I would attempt to do a stick figure, but I'm only just able to type. Bear with me.

{Deal Breakers}
Must be an *honorable* priesthood holder
Must put God before anything else, including me
Must take me to the temple, and remind me of that goal
Must take me BACK to the temple
Must have a sense of humor
Must adore me, and make me a top priority (at least, when we get more serious)
Must want a family (duh)
Must be willing to work hard, and try to let me be a stay-at-home mom (although I will work if necessary)
Must get along with my family AND his own (especially his own)
Must love dogs (heh heh heh)
Must be willing to work through disagreements, instead of dancing around the issues.
Must be intelligent (No, I'm serious on this one, I will not marry an idiot... he wouldn't last a minute in my family)
Must hold and comfort me when I cry
Must be good-looking - at least to me. ;-)
Must be stable in life.
Must be willing to hold hands in public.
Must open doors for me.
Must like to snuggle.
Must tell me I'm beautiful. (even when pregnant)
Must ALWAYS kiss me goodnight.
Must be ambitious (but not overly so)

{That'd-be-Nice}
Broad shoulders. mmm...
Great lips (bahaha...)
Already in a career (Some guys are still in school, which is why this isn't a deal-breaker)
Dark-featured
Tall
Likes the same music
Likes to read
Surprises me
Golfs

I'm sure I could keep adding to the list, and some things will switch from the "Deal Breakers" to the "That'd-Be-Nice"s every so often. But I honestly don't think those things are too much to ask for. I know there are guys out there who have every single trait I listed, plus some.

Here is what I need to work on - patience.  I know the things I need to be doing to be worthy of such a superman, but sometimes I get too impatient which leads to frustration which can lead to murmuring... It's a vicious cycle. But, this week, I will make a very conscious effort to not murmur. I will find somebody to serve. I will make myself more Christlike, so that a man who has the "perfect woman" list will see his {perfect} traits in me. I'm capable of loving, I know that, but I also know that I cannot love just *anyone*. That will just bring more pain. So here I go, continuing to better myself... wish me luck!

Love is…walking the dog, together.   
 

Love is…bringing out the best in each other.