Australia - Holly is amazing.

I've blogged about Holly before, but I just want to talk about how much I love her again. We met about four years ago at USU, in the Aggie Marching Band. At the time, we had no idea we would ever meet up again in the adoption world. When I was expecting little David and planning to place, Holly and I started talking. She and Nate were seeking to adopt at the time, and I got a lot of crap from people because I didn't choose to place with them.
After placement, Holly became one of my biggest supporters. She helped buoy me up and gave me encouragement as I trudged through the first year after placement. I tried as much as I could to support her and Nate as they went through multiple failed placements. It was heartbreaking to watch.
Then, last May, they had their sweet little Miles placed into their arms. Oh that boy is so handsome! I got to spend a little time with them this past adoption conference, for which I am very grateful because they are being stationed in Italy. I know, rough life, right?
Anyway, Holly posted *THIS* today and I remember reading it months ago. It still makes my heart ache. But it is so beautifully written. It is worth reading and remembering. Even if you are going to Australia by plane, don't forget the others who are going by boat. Don't take it for granted.

Pregnant After Placement

While I know I'm not up to the challenge this year of writing every day, I still want to make an effort to post MUCH more than I have recently. This month is National Adoption Awareness Month. I get so excited for this month every year because I go to my blogroll and almost ALWAYS have new blog posts to read!!! I'll have guest posts from Starlee, a dear friend of mine who had a huge impact on my decision to place, some close friends from group, and (YAY!) my mom... sharing her "birth-grandmother" story. I'm very excited about all of them, but this will be the first time my mom shares HER story. Hers is quite different from most birth-grandmother stories, so it will be great.

I decided to start off, I wanted to contribute a bit of my current personal situation.

Almost two years ago, I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and placed him into the arms of his eternal family. My life has changed so much since that time that I can hardly believe any of it was real anymore. I can still feel every emotion from that day, but sometimes it feels more like a dream than anything else.

As of today, I am 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I've been married for 17 weeks. Not quite a honeymoon baby, but pretty close! Bradley and I decided that even though we were both scared to death to have children so soon, we were both getting a strong "yes" each time we prayed about it. Little did we know that our little one was coming a LOT sooner than we anticipated!

The past three months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I sort of had the idea that being married and pregnant would be a fairy-tale and all the other hurt would go away. Of course, I was wrong. First, I felt a LOT of guilt. Not because I was pregnant, but because I know SO many people who would give anything to be pregnant. My heart was breaking for them, and what they would think of me. When you're pregnant and placing for adoption, you're seen as a God-send. When you're just pregnant because, well, you're pregnant... Feelings get hurt. I was afraid to tell people, especially my close circle of adoption-world friends.

I also started having very vivid dreams, mostly of little David. I would wake up feeling like I had to let go of that part of my life to truly enjoy this part. I was torn, and I didn't know how to be loyal to both sides.

I want to be a mother so badly... it's something I crave every day. I'm in awe of the life inside of me, and when Bradley and I first heard our baby's heartbeat, it was one of the most glorious sounds I have ever heard. But it's awfully reminiscent of another baby... another life. I'm still trying to figure out how to separate everything so that I can find joy in this new little life. I'm nervous about the hospital, and about going home. I pray every day that everything will be different, and that I'll be able to turn my emotions around.

I'm proud of where I am now. I was able to be married and sealed in the temple to the most amazing man I've ever met. I'm blessed to bring a child into this world, and to have my husband by my side every day. The number one difference I've found with this pregnancy is having a worthy, righteous man by my side CONSTANTLY. There's none of the back-and-forth, horrible mind games. I don't feel used, abandoned, or broken. I am whole. My husband loves me with all of his heart, and I love him right back with all of mine. I'm so grateful that I know the difference, and I pray that every girl who has ever been through a pregnancy alone will be able to know the difference. The Lord is amazing, and I know that the challenges I'm facing right now will only help to make me a stronger person.

I'm so grateful to my Heavenly Father for allowing me to bring a child into this world. I'm grateful that I will finally have the title of "Mom" (it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it!). I'm grateful that my husband is doing everything in his power so that I can be a stay-at-home mom and raise our children in a Christ-centered home. I am so blessed, and I still pray every day for others' pain to be lessened.

For those who read this and may feel pain or anger, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt anyone. I want to find joy in my blessings, so please share that joy with me.

Dear Birthmother (Tender Mercies)

When I was pregnant and had finalized my decision to place for adoption, I was shocked at how many letters I received sharing their stories and their support. Most of these were from people I knew, but I had never known that adoption had touched their lives. I remember very well two letters I received, one from a friend of Dave and Amy's who lives in Florida. She gave the letter to them before I announced I would be placing with them, and told them to give it to their birthmother when they were chosen. I received the letter from Dave and Amy about a month before I delivered. I kept it by my bedside for the entire month, then in my journal for months after placement. That letter was from a dear, wonderful woman who placed her daughter 15 years ago. She expressed her love for me (someone she had never even met!) and told me of the love she felt from our Heavenly Father every day. She assured me that I would be blessed and grateful, and that Dave and Amy were incredible people (I already knew that) who would be amazing parents (already knew that, too!). That letter made me want to help other girls. I figured that if I could give comfort to just one other birthmother, then I would succeed in my mission. I wanted to change the world, even if it was just one person's world.
   The other letter I keep close to me still is from little David's maternal grandmother (Amy's mom). I hadn't met her when I received the letter, but Dave and Amy gave it to me the night of placement. I never knew a grandmother could be so grateful and so humbled by a child joining her family. She had other grandchildren, but in her letter she expressed her unconditional love for little David and my part in bringing him to their family. It made me realize the magnitude of my decision. I wasn't just placing a child into Dave and Amy's family, I was placing him into a long line, reaching back hundreds of generations, and it will continue hundreds of generations... all because he was placed into that family. Adoption is an eternal principle, and I am often humbled by that thought.

   So, as I've been thinking about others a lot lately, here is my letter to birthmothers or birthmothers-to-be,
      Dear Birthmother,
         You don't know me, and maybe you never will. I can tell you that I don't know exactly what you're going through because all our stories are different. But I can tell you a few things about what you are about to experience.
          Please, love your baby. Connect with your baby before he or she is born. Bond with them after they are born. Your baby needs to feel that love from you, because a part of them will always remember that love. You don't ever want to regret not connecting with that baby. It is so worth it. The love you will share, for however short a time until placement, will stay with you forever. It will buoy you up when you start to ache. It is real, and it is unending. You will never stop loving your baby.
          Placement will hurt. So much. You may be numb right after, and that's okay. But let yourself hurt. Open yourself up and just ache. You need to feel that pain, don't try to hide from it. There will be mornings you wake up and you will honestly think you can't live another moment. Sometimes the grief will make you want to just curl up and disappear. But I promise you, it will ease. Slowly, day by day, it will ease some. Pray often, and pray hard. No matter how you lived your life prior to placement, our Heavenly Father is there for you. He will hold you, and though you won't be able to see Him or feel Him, He will be there. Then, one day, you'll wake up and you won't immediately cry. One day, you'll be able to look at a picture of your baby with his or her new parents and you will smile. You will be able to recognize the love that is there, and you will be able to relate to that love. One day, you will do something normal. And you will remember how much it hurt before, and be grateful that you made it through the pain.
          You will run into people who don't understand, and who will not want to understand why you decided to place. That's okay. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. It was your decision, and yours alone. Nobody else can possibly know what was best for your baby or for you.
         And then... someone will come into your life. He will fall in love with you, and he will think you hung the moon. He will learn your story, and will love you BECAUSE you made the decision you did. He will recognize that you are a strong, amazing daughter of God. You made a selfless, incredible sacrifice on behalf of someone else, and because of that your spirit will radiate out to those around you. He will recognize that, and he will cherish you. He will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.
         Not all of this will happen fast, and not all of this will happen in that order. But I promise you this, birthmomma... You are loved. By me, and by thousands of other women who made this decision. You are in a sisterhood, and there will always be someone there to hold you. There are thousands of couples waiting to be chosen who love you because you give them hope by what you have endured, and by what you about to endure. Most important, there is a family out there that already feels, or will soon feel, unable to express their love and gratitude. The love they feel for you is overwhelming. You may never know how important you are to so many people. I pray for you every day, and I hope you can look back on this experience in the future and say "I did something so hard, and I survived. I am happy."

             All my love,
              Sterling Bo

Cause or Crusade?

That's what I'm determining right now. I'm about to start on a brand new journey in 2 weeks, and I will soon be sharing my life completely with the man I love. He is so supportive of all the adoption advocating I do, and has encouraged my open adoption fully.

But now I have to decide - Am I part of a cause, or a crusade? I will always be part of the adoption world, I will always advocate, and I will always LOVE and be GRATEFUL for what adoption has given me. It has given me the peace that my little boy is with his eternal family, loved, and adored. It has given me a new chance at life, and has put me in the right place at the right time to meet my eternal companion (to be!).

I will be taking a formal break from blogging for a little while. I will be weaning myself from my support group over the next couple months, and I will begin to move forward. I don't know how long I will be on this blogging hiatus. Maybe a month, maybe longer. We'll see. But in the meantime, I want to thank everyone so much for their support and love. These past couple of years have been the most incredibly heartbreaking and wonderful years.

I'm getting married in two weeks. I'm excited, I'm at peace. It brings me to tears to know that this wonderful, wonderful man I will be marrying loves me for everything I am and everything I've overcome, and will continue to overcome. I am so blessed. Thank to those who have supported me in the past, and who will continue to support me.

(PS- My sister designed this save-the-date! Find her on Etsy - danandwinnie !!)

Neat

So for those who don't know yet, I'm now a server at the Riverdale Chili's. "The" Chili's that I met Dave and Amy at! (Not the reason I'm working there, but still cool! I love waiting on the table we sat at.)
   I had a neat experience a few nights ago that I've been DYING to blog about, but blogger was down, so...

   I was waiting on a table with a lady in her late twenties (I'd guess), her mother ("Grammy!!" was the excited squeal from her grandbabies), and two toddlers. The kids were quite close in age, and I briefly thought, 'Hm, wonder if they're adopted?' then didn't think about it again. After they paid, "Grammy" (what the kids were calling her) came up to me and handed the signed credit card slip directly to me. (Yes, it was a nice tip. :) ) Then out of nowhere, she started telling me that it's sometimes hard for them to go out with two kids so close in age, but that her daughter had never been able to get pregnant so when she was chosen to have both children placed with her within months of each other, she simple couldn't say no. OF course, I started getting teary-eyed and said to her, "Tell your daughter I appreciate her - I'm a birthmom. I placed my little boy just over a year ago." Well, then Grammy starts getting teary-eyed and we started talking and crying and she told me about how wonderful her grandbabies' birthmothers are, and how one just got married in the temple and how wonderful it was... I told her that I was getting married in the temple soon, and it was a big pile of happy tears. So Grammy told me she wasn't sure why but she just felt like sharing that with me and now she knows why. She then walked out, and within minutes her daughter came rushing back in, took my hand, and said "Thank you!" and left.. leaving me with a $10 bill in my hand.  :) Warm fuzzies!!!

Adoption rocks. Just sayin'.