My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

hold your breath, and make a wish

First, let me start off by saying that I hate humidity. The thing I got the most angry over while I was in Florida? My hair. (Pathetic, I know...)

My mom and I got lost on our way to the hotel, so by the time we made it there it was two hours later than we had intended to arrive. Sweet Dave met my mom and me in the hotel lobby, and walked us to our room (just down the hall from theirs, cha-ching!) then apologized for little David and Amy being asleep. :-) as it was almost 3 am, I really understood.


Wednesday morning, after three hours of sleep, my eyes flew open and stared at my phone, vibrating and flashing next to me with the wake-up message of "Meet Your Baby!". In one short hour, my mom and I were going to meet Dave, Amy, and my dear little David for breakfast. I was a nervous wreck.

Dave met me in the hall and ushered me in to their hotel room, and suddenly there he was!
My Angel.
The moment was everything I had hoped for and more. I felt like I was spinning, I watched Amy pick up little David (oh, how he has grown!), and immediately handed him to me. As awkward as it felt to have a small child in my arms, it also felt so incredibly good!!! Like a little piece of me was missing until that moment. He looked at me with his huge brown eyes and grinned, squealed, and stole away my heart again. My heart melted, and the months of aching vanished in an instant.
He is such a happy, loved, and beautiful little boy.

Dave and Amy invited me to the court finalization. Though it was not intended as a spiritual experience, it was a very sacred event. Tears were shed, and I felt very blessed to be there with them. Their attorney told them that not only had she never seen family there to support an adoption finalization, they had never had a birthmother present for finalization.
{I felt quite special}

We (and by we I mean Amy) put together a luncheon for the families. We gathered at the LDS church house located across the street from the Orlando temple. After Dave, Amy, and sweet David left early for the temple, I sang with Dave's younger brother, Keith, and a family friend named James. Soon, Julie (Amy's mom) joined in and held her arm around me as hymns about families and the atonement made me tear up.

Oh... and how can I forget how their families treated us! I wasn't "just the birthmom".
I was special, and cried together with their mothers. I feel very close to these wonderful, amazing women who are (legally and spiritually) the grandmothers of my son. And they welcomed me and my mom into their families with open arms. Even though I haven't always lived a good life, Dave and Amy (and their families) see me for who I am right now. I'm so grateful.

I was the only adult who did not go inside the temple... which felt odd, but okay at the same time. I got to hang out with Dave's youngest two brothers, Cameron and Jared. They are very cute boys, and it was fun to watch them get frustrated with having to whisper in the temple (which is why we ended up outside on the grass).

After a very short time, Dave and Amy's families found me in the waiting room again. I knew it was over, I knew it had been done. A twinge of jealousy bit at me, but then...

Dave, Amy, and David walked out of the temple. They were all wearing their temple whites, and I could see the joy on their faces. They are now eternal. They hugged me, and in my mind I kept thinking, "this is why. This is why!" The beauty of those first moments as an eternal family will be burned into my heart forever.

Over the next couple of days, we went to SeaWorld (so fun!!!), spent hours playing card games with Dave's family, and I even got a few hours alone with Dave and Amy. We talked about everything, and I couldn't believe how much love I felt for them. I thought I loved them when I placed with them... but oh, had I only known I could care about people so much!

And the crazy thing is... they love me, too. They want to have a close relationship with me. They want their son (I've known he is theirs for almost a year now...) to know who I am, and be able to ask me questions.

Our last day together, Sunday, was David's blessing. His father blessed him, and I'm almost certain there was not a dry eye in the congregation. He blessed him with health... with happiness... with joy... with siblings (Amy was thrilled with the plural)... with the desire to serve missions... and (what I thought was so amazing) a desire to do genealogy.What a sweet and wonderful blessing!

During our last few hours together, we took hundreds of pictures. We laughed, cried, and talked about seeing each other again. I kissed on sweet little David, held him, and cherished every moment with him. My heart felt like it would burst every time he smiled up at me, or grabbed onto my hair and tried to eat it. Although I knew the void in my heart would be present again very soon, it was so good to feel it healed over for a time. I felt so light, and so free. Anyone who says a birthmother doesn't love her child enough has no idea what it's like. The only reason he is where he is supposed to be, and why he is so happy, is because I loved him enough to seek the Lord's will. And now, he has double the love.

I couldn't believe how perfect the week was. Did my heart ache? Yes. So very much. As I got to know little David's sweet personality, I thought to myself, "I could have had this." Did I close my eyes a few times and wish I could go back and make another decision? Yes. Would I take him away from Dave and Amy? Never. I will always ache for him... I will always miss his sweet little presence. But then, I see this -->

and I think "I will have this." 

My life is blessed. I still cry almost every night. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. My whole situation has not been perfect... but it is now perfect in its imperfection. 

Thank you, Paige W., Chelsea K., and Meghan R. for helping me prepare emotionally for this trip. You are my angels!

Dave and Amy - you are the most amazing parents I've ever met. Thank you doesn't seem adequate for the blessing you've been in my life.


  1. I think I am going to cry. I know you miss your little boy. Although, coming from an adoption that was closed... I think you are so lucky. After, 18 years, I finally have been able to see and put pictures of my daughter up. I found her on Facebook and it's been wonderful getting to know her through it. Thanks for sharing your week with me.

  2. Oh wow! that's amazing! I'm so happy you found your daughter! That makes my heart happy. :-)
    I do agree I'm very lucky... I'm trying my best to not take this for granted. :-)

  3. I love it. Thank you for sharing. I'm sure Dave and Amy feel the same way I do about our son's birthmom, such love. We are so blessed to not only have our son but to have his beautiful mom in our lives as well. We love being able to share the joy and love with her and I can tell they do too! May God bless you in your life that you have "your picture".

  4. You are amazing! Thank you SO much for sharing your story! I love reading this!

  5. I love you Sterling. You are such an awesome woman! Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience.

  6. A beautiful post. You WILL have an eternal family someday, and then, even more than now, you'll realize how right you were to place your sweet boy into a family where he could have that as well.


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