Today has been interesting, to say the least. First, I got a nasty comment on one of my posts concerning placement. I won't post the whole comment here, but one part that stuck with me was, "you are insulting all women who lost children to adoption. how can you use the word birthmother so kindly? it is a gruesome, cruel term. you should be ashamed of what you did to your child."....
hm. O... K... (What do I say to that??)
So anyway, in case Dave and Amy saw it, I texted Amy and let her know that I LOVE the term birthmother (please call me a birthmother, it makes me feel stronger than I really am), and I do not feel that she is less than me at all. So then, as this was going on, I received a not on Facebook from a wonderful bloggess asking all involved in the adoption triad to comment on *THIS POST* . Well, if that wasn't just another thing to set all of this off! So of course, I commented. (I tried to be as nice as possible... because I really do understand that people have different experiences and preferences).
I guess, in light of these two things, I need to address the reason that I chose to place my little angel. There are the obvious reasons, like financial stability, he needs a mom AND a dad, I'm too young (which, really, I'm not... let's be honest). But those were not the KEY reasons to place.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am a Mormon. In the LDS faith, there is a very strong emphasis on family. We believe in the family unit being eternal. It does not end at death. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World", it states that "The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally." Then, further on, it states that, "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." (Read the whole thing if you're curious)
One of those sacred covenants I could not offer my little David was being sealed to me. Of course, if I had parented, I could have been married later and David could have been sealed to me and my husband then. But what of Ben? (David's birthfather). How could I ask him to give up his right/desire to be sealed to his son? Would I ever give that up? ... how could I deny my son an eternal family, because of my foolish mistakes?
Meeting with my bishop, I was counseled to consider marriage. That fell through, so I was counseled to make a decision based on my baby, and to seek inspiration from the Lord. It is extremely difficult to swallow my pride, and ask for someone else's help... especially from God. But, I believe in a forgiving and loving God. He wouldn't ignore my request for help in knowing what to do for my baby. He loves David as much as any of His other children. He wanted what was best for David, too.
When I met Dave and Amy, I received my answer. They are David's eternal family. His spirit was supposed to be with them, one way or another. I was blessed to give birth to him, and to be an instrument in God's hands. I was given, "beauty for ashes... the oil of joy for mourning" (Isaiah 61: 1-3). Although I did not always follow God's commandments previously, I knew that if I was going to do the right thing for my baby, I had to trust in Him.
I did not place my baby because I couldn't afford to raise a child. I did not place my baby because his birthfather was dangerous. I did not place my baby because I didn't want to be a mother. I placed my baby because I could not give him the things that *I personally* knew he had to have. I couldn't bear the thought of dual-custody, or of him being raised by his Grandma until "mom finished college and got a good job". He needed a mom and a dad who will give him a good example of marriage. I want him to be raised to treat women well, and to believe in the sanctity of marriage. He has that now. He has everything. He has an eternal family. That is not cruel, not to him, and not to his family. I did not lose him to adoption... That is not how I see things. I know everyone is different, but this is MY life. MY blog. MY experiences.
And, so, I am a birthmother. Amy is his mother, his mommy. She is not his "second" mom, his unnatural mom, his a-mom, or his nonbirthmom. Never will I let ANYONE convince me otherwise. Birthmother is empowering to me. It helps me find the strength I need to continue each day. I am not ashamed of what I did FOR David. Birthmother is not a shameful word in my world.
Birth is the science. Mother is the emotion. Birthmother is... love.