My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

i was hoping i would (never) see you again...

Last night was one of those nights.
Heart-wrenching, painful. Like a huge, angry wave crashing down around me.
I closed my eyes and started counting, and praying.  Begging for release.
I was holding little David's blanket tightly to my chest. I felt so incredibly fragile.
The sobbing I had held in for so long finally made its way out. I hate the sound I make when I cry that hard.
For the first time in quite a while... my arms felt so incredibly empty. With nothing to cradle and protect... except my own breaking heart.
And, just as it's been for the past 7 months... Lynn wasn't here to hold me and give me a blessing. 

I had fallen asleep hours earlier, no problem. When I dreamed, that's where it began. I was back in the hospital, holding my sweet little David in my arms, nursing him. I was singing to him, and he looked at me with those beautiful dark eyes. I bent to kiss his cheek, and I started falling. I reached out to hold him, to keep him from falling, too, but he wasn't going down with me. Hands were holding him. Hands I didn't recognize. I cried out, I screamed, I didn't know where he was going. I couldn't make a sound, though. And I woke up, panicked. I had my arms wrapped around my body pillow, one hand clutching little David's blanket. The outfit of his that I kept wasn't in the blanket, and in my panic I started crying and reaching under all of my blankets to find it. When I did, I took great care to wrap them up together, and I clutched them to my chest, burrowing myself into my pillows and crying.
Why now? Why so long without feeling this? Why do I feel so forsaken suddenly? He's happy, he's loved, he's warm, he's with his parents, why am I hurting so much?

... because even though he's happy, I'm still going to grieve. It's not fair, it will never be fair. This isn't balanced. The joy does not equal the sorrow. They're not even on the same scales. They coexist, but they do not "fix" each other.
I do not wish him back in my arms. The choice I made was the right one for David. When it feels good, I'm on top of the world. But when it hurts... oh. Words cannot describe.

All day, I've been having hospital flashbacks. Mostly warm memories, like him being placed in my arms for the first time. At moments, I've felt like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. I keep going with the knowledge that I will sleep tonight, hopefully with happy dreams or sleep uninterrupted, and wake tomorrow to a new day. A new beginning. I have survived thus far. I will survive, but oh. To never feel empty like this again, to never feel like a part of me is missing. I'm not his mommy any longer... he may not have that bond with me anymore, but that doesn't mean that I won't continue to ache for him for the rest of my life. I don't want him to ache for me, though. I don't want him to miss me, or feel like part of him is missing. I never want him to hurt.

Oh emptiness. I was hoping I would (never) see you again.

just moments after birth. My heart was so full, and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.
just moments after he was sealed to Dave and Amy. My heart was so full, and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.


  1. Sterling... You are so amazing and I wish I could help more than I know I possibly can!.. I know how you feel in many ways... It'll never truely go away but you know he's happy and with his eternal family. You have done an amazing thing!! I know, you know that. I cut this ladies hair, lets call her Christina... When I told her I had decided to place and with who, she got all quiet like she had seen a ghost... She told me she had placed her baby for adoption and it was the best thing she had ever done. I'm sure her adoption was very closed tho(because of her hurt, blank, lost, scared expression)... The only thing she acted like she knew about her son was he's 20 years old now... This made me feel SO blessed that my, our adoptions are so open. I know we will never have that wondering of who they are or if they're being treated right. I know I got off subject, I'm sorry.. I just wanted to share that and I have no idea why... I love you girl! If your ever feeling down text me k?! Love, Jaynie

  2. I can understand your pain. You are right that the happiness and the grief do not cancel one another out. Your pain is there and it's very real. I can relate to the closed adoptions. Mine wasn't closed in that I didn't know her name but I was kept away like I was diseased. I only say that because I too think that birth parents of today in open adoptions are so better off. That doesn't mean that their won't be pain though.

  3. I'm so sorry you are hurting. It makes me sad, because I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it go away. But, I am happy you are expressing it and letting it out. It is good for your spirit and soul to feel these things and let them out and then like you said "you will wake tomorrow to a new day" and maybe with a little lightness to your heart. Hugs from one mom to another who thinks you are courageous.

  4. Oh Sterling!! I'm just crying for you!! I don't know your pain. I have only imagined it and tried to understand and have empathy for the feelings of amazing birthmothers. I love you. I am glad that you are sharing your feelings. It is right and good. "Hold on...the light will come".

  5. I love you. You are such an inspiration to me. I am a better person for knowing you.

  6. exactly...they're not balanced...that's what i have the hardest time with. how can something make you and break you at the same time? i struggle daily with the fact that i'm happy with the decision i made. i love you.

    and of course you can link it! i was hoping it wasn't so confusing with the whole A B C D E thing! lol. it is extremly CRAZY how much kayden looks like them though huh? kayden's birthfather and josh have some similar looks but really...he's pretty much all of us smashed into one. :)


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