My name is Sterling, I'm 22-years-old, and I am the birthmother to the most gorgeous little boy in the world. I started this blog to share my experiences, thoughts, and help myself move forward after placing my sweet little boy. If this is your first time visiting my blog, I invite you to read my story (top of the left column). Feel free to comment with questions or requests. If you follow me, I'll follow you!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

pick myself up

I know it seems that I have fallen off the face of the earth. I feel terrible. I even promised a wonderful friend that I would write a special guest blog post for her during NAWM, and alas... I let my emotions and current state of mind get the best of me. I hope I can have her forgiveness, as well as others around me who I have lost touch with in the past few weeks.

I won't go into details, but it has been a difficult time. My emotions have been running high, and I have been reliving a lot of memories I have never worked through. It has been draining, but necessary.

Over the next couple of weeks, as I feel stable enough to do so, I am going to focus my blog on grief and healing... and mostly on moving forward. Today in group, we talked about goals, success, and the path that leads to our success. As a Dr. Seuss fan, I loved the story that was shared:

The Zode in the Road
Did I ever tell you about the young Zode,
Who came to two signs at the fork in the road?
One said to Place One, and the other, Place Two.
So the Zode had to make up his mind what to do.
Well…the Zode scratched his head, and his chin and his pants.
And he said to himself, “I’ll be taking a chance
If I go to Place One. Now, that place may be hot!
And so, how do I know if I’ll like it or not?
On the other hand though, I’ll be sort of a fool
If I go to Place Two and find it too cool.
In that case I may catch a chill and turn blue!
So, maybe Place One is the best, not Place Two,
But then again, what if Place One is too high?
I may catch a terrible earache and die!
So Place Two may be best! On the other hand though…
What might happen to me if Place Two is too low?
I might get some very strange pain in my toe!
So Place One may be best,” and he started to go.
Then he stopped, and he said, “On the other hand
On the other hand…other hand…other hand though…”
And for 36 hours and a half that poor Zode
Made starts and made stops at the fork in the road.
Saying, “Don’t take a chance. No! You may not be
Then he got an idea that was wonderfully bright!
“Play safe!” cried the Zode. “I’ll play safe. I’m no dunce!
I’ll simply start out for both places at once!”
And that’s how the Zode who would not take a chance
Got no place at all with a split in his pants.

This actually meant more to me than I could have imagined. I'm at a place right now where I need to make a choice. Unlike the Zode, I know where my paths lead. Road 1 will be rocky and painful at the beginning, but is the road that is necessary to take. I know I must take that road. Road 2 will be dark and empty, with more pain, and will never end. My problem is that I'm on Road 2 already. I am having a hard time letting go of promises that were made to me, even though I know they are empty. I have been hurt on Road 2, even though I keep seeing signs saying, "If you just keep going, eventually you might be happy. Even though promises keep getting broken and you keep getting hurt, you can't leave this road now. You're too comfortable here. You're addicted to this road." 

Road 1 is unknown to me, but I can jump from Road 2 to Road 1 at any time. I just need to make that choice. I know I need to make it. But it's terrifying. I know that I will be happy and successful on Road 1, and everything logical makes me know I need to be on Road 1. So why can't I just do it? Why can't I do what I know is right and true and best, and go to Road 1 and never look back? 

Because Road 2 really is an addiction. Not alcohol or drugs, but an addiction all the same. The problem with this addiction, is that I cannot wean myself off of it. I have to do it cold turkey. I have no other choice. I'm gathering all my strength, and I will do it. I deserve more than what I have received on Road 2. Road 2 has been destroying me, emotionally, mentally, and now physically. I can't be afraid of hurting Road 2, because Road 2 honestly hasn't cared about whether or not I'm there for a very long time. I feel sorry for Road 2, I feel responsible for Road 2's happiness. This is unhealthy. It is unfair. 

I am a Daughter of God. I have divine nature. I am worth so much more than I have ever allowed myself to believe. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated by Road 2. I don't deserve to be used and broken by Road 2. No matter the mistakes I've made in my past, I deserve to be treated like a princess. I don't know how I came to let myself be torn apart, but I will not let it happen anymore. I'm ashamed that I've let myself become this. But I have not lost all my pride. 

Road 1 is unknown. I don't even know if Road 1 will be nearly as exciting as Road 2. But Road 1 isn't making any empty promises. It is not promising me anything more than that I will be strong, free, and confident. Once I start on my journey on Road 1, I will still see Road 2 from time to time. I will be continuously reminded of the broken promises, the hurt, and the tears shed. I will never be completely separated from Road 2, but I will be protected by Road 1... even if I am the only person traveling Road 1 for a while. 

Road 2 claims to need me. I know it is not true. If Road 2 truly needed me and loved me, then I would not be hurting. 

Road 1... I will see you soon. I know you'll be there for me no matter what. And if I'm lucky, I will meet my eternal companion whilst traveling. 

To those reading this... and I never ask this... please send a little prayer my way. This will be one of the most difficult things I ever do. 

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 -Robert Frost, final stanza of "The Road Not Taken"


  1. Love you! Hugs and prayers are on their way! Life is a constant struggle. I hope you know that you have love and support no matter what path you take. I actually had a dream the other night that we met over Christmas and I was finally able to give you that hug. I saw a girl from church who is single and pregnant and I started to cry because I just wanted to hug her, tell her I love her, and that I know an awesome woman who would love to help her. I still might get up the courage to do that, but I figured first I should probably learn her name (at the very least)and get to know her so I don't scare her away. ;)
    You are amazing, Sterling! You are strong and I have no doubt that you will not only "endure to the end", but "endure it well." You are forever in my prayers! Love you!

  2. Thank you for sharing the Seuss hit home for me too! I know you must be feeling overwhelmed and scared and frustrating. I am praying for you and thinking of you and wishing you lots of strength and patience as you take that road. I know Road 1 may seem like the hardest thing in the world, but please know that good thoughts and prayers are in your backpack. You can do it!

  3. Love you sweetie. I've been thinking a lot about you since our phone call a couple weeks back. I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole Road 1 & 2 business has to deal with what we talked about. You are stronger than you know...but I'll send you some extra prayers anyway.

  4. Hi Sterling,
    First of all... I love you! I felt an instant connection to you at the FSA Conference and I can certainly see why as I read your blog. I remember being at the place you are now and I know how difficult it is to break from old habits, beliefs, and patterns. But I can also promise you that the pain and discomfort will not last forever and the change you see will be worth it! In fact, as you look back at Road 2 you will find yourself grateful for the experiences and lessons learned because it has helped you reach where you are now. Remember that these experiences do not 'define' us... they 'refine' us... and you are certainly in the refiner's fire right now! Owie but good. :) You are a beautiful, strong, faithful, daughter of God and even if you are crawling on your knees in the direction you want to go... that is certainly better than giving up. HANG IN THERE!! I will put you in my prayers AND PLEASE let me know if there is ANYTHING I can help you with - small or great.
    Much Love,
    Martina Muir

  5. I love you Maynard! Road 1 really is the best choice. Road 2 does not deserve the wonderful person that you are.

  6. You CAN do it! I understand that addiction, and letting it go can be hard and painful. Sorry I wasn't much help yesterday, I wish I could have been. Praying for you.


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